Greetings!

We designed this site in order to keep in touch with friends and family who are far away and in order to communicate with other adoptive families from around the world.

When we first started researching this wonderful way to become a family we read everything we could get our hands on. Even though there are a lot of great books out there, nothing was as informative or touching as the blogs we found by adoptees, biological parents, and adoptive families. So we are writing this blog now in hopes of returning the favor. We hope that if you are dear to us you will enjoy keeping up with our adventures. If you are someone out there involved in a part of the adoption triad we hope you will find information and comfort here and provide us with some of your own!

If you would like to get in touch with us we can be reached at: becomingafamily@gmail.com
Feel free to stop by anytime. We're happy to share our family story.

Take care,
Brian and Rosemary

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Away We Go

I am always fascinated when the media chooses to portray adoptive families. They almost never get it right. On the one hand there is the deification of adoption and that's creepy to me because we're just regular families with slightly different problems. On the other hand, there are the books and movies that want to act as if all adoptions result in emotionally barren moms and serial killer kids. It irritates me to say the least. Are you with me? I know you are.

So a while back Brian and I went to see "Away We Go" starring John Krasinski and Maya Rudolph. We like indy flicks and we both love Dave Eggers, who wrote the screenplay, so we figured it would be a winner. And it really did have some great stuff. Until adoption came into it.

--------------------------------------SPOILER ALERT----------------------------------------

So if you've continued reading you obviously have willingly ignored my spoiler alert warning and will not leave me a nasty comment about giving away part of the movie. So the basic plot of "Away We Go" is that Burt and Verona are expecting a baby, experiencing a quarter life crisis and feeling disenfranchised from their families, so they travel all over the country visiting friends in search of a community for their imminent offspring.

They arrive to visit some old college friends and it immediately becomes obvious that they are adoptive parents. They had 4 kids between the ages of roughly 15 and 4 of all different races. When we meet these children they are watching "The Sound of Music" and Adoptive Mom is making them turn it off about 1/2 way through the movie. She then explains to Burt and Verona "We don't let our kids watch the scary parts. There is just too much sadness in the world for that. They'll have time to learn how awful life is later." [wistful look to stage right] Ummm, weird, it's a musical for crying out loud.

The next time we see Adoptive Parents the four adults are out at a bar. There is some kind of amateur singing contest in the background. Verona is about 7 months pregnant and telling them all how healthy she is: no problems, no fatigue, feels great. Adoptive Mom is knocking back drinks. Suddenly she leaps on stage and takes the microphone. She begins to sing a sad song and do a sultry dance while removing her clothes. Umm, super weird. Her husband says, "She had another miscarriage Tuesday. I mean she loves those kids like they're her own but she just wanted to have our baby so badly."

I was so mad I nearly threw up. Sure, a lot of us have had incredible sadness before making the choice to form adoptive families, but this was such an unfair representation of unresolved psychosis and "second place" adopted kids. Later in the movie Burt and Verona are discussing their incredible blessings (of which there are many) and Burt says, "How does it work? Why do we get this (touches her full womb) and Adoptive Mom has to suffer so much?" That line really made me angry. The Adoptive Parents portrayed in that movie were wealthy, attractive people living in a huge, beautiful home raising 4 gorgeous kids. They had every blessing and the entire film just discounted all of that because, of course, as everyone knows adopted kids just aren't as good as biological kids. They aren't a blessing at all - only biological kids count as blessings.

I'm tired of watching my child, and his status in our immediate and extended family, be portrayed as "less than" or even worse as "nothing" by the media.

--Rosemary

7 comments:

blackbelt said...

OK, I'm coming over so you and I can go to the top of a hill, pull our hair out and SCREAMM!!!!

Great line: ". . . she loves them like they're her own..." LIKE they are?? They ARE, stupid! This is when I want to cuss like a trans streetwalker.

Here's another one: all adoptive moms were desparate to birth their own baybeez and suffer from depression and/or self-hatred. Ummm. I never really wanted to birth my own. I'd rather fill out forms, thankyouverymuch than get an epiosotomy. I know a bunch of people who adopted BY CHOICE.

Yoli said...

Unfortunately that is a reality we all face and which we have to prepare our children to encounter. You just started, your heart and head are in the right place. There is a lot of joy ahead of you but also a lot of pain. People think nothing of asking the cruelest questions at the most innaportune time. Again, we cannot protect our kids but we can empower them.

Jen and Jeff said...

Oh, gosh! What a disappointment! I saw the preview and actually thought about seeing it. Glad you told me cause I'd be really disturbed by it, too!

Mireille said...

Oh Rosemary, I can feel your anger and frustration in this posting. And I was very upset in the beginning when we just had our twins. Felt I always had to defend our position as a family. But you know what? I got a lot more lenient towards oblivious people these days, I don't feel the urge to defend my family towards anybody anymore. We are just an ordinairy family, no less no more than any other family and if people keep wanting to see it in a different light, that is OK to me. They are the ones that are losing out and are ignorant.
But I love you for your fierceness and great writing!

Jessica said...

I love the fired-up Rosemary! Thanks for representing the "other side" of this.

Chris and Terri said...

I just love you and your passion!

I did have someone ask me why I didn't just have another one if I wanted one. aaaah - like Chris said, People are stupid and you can't fix stupid people. By this he meant ignorant but to hear him speak this way cracked me up and I keep repeating his little comment.

Ellie said...

That is awful! Think of how that kind of thing makes an adoptee feel! So sad!! I, too, thought that movie looked really cute. Bummer that they sent that message!!!!!