Greetings!

We designed this site in order to keep in touch with friends and family who are far away and in order to communicate with other adoptive families from around the world.

When we first started researching this wonderful way to become a family we read everything we could get our hands on. Even though there are a lot of great books out there, nothing was as informative or touching as the blogs we found by adoptees, biological parents, and adoptive families. So we are writing this blog now in hopes of returning the favor. We hope that if you are dear to us you will enjoy keeping up with our adventures. If you are someone out there involved in a part of the adoption triad we hope you will find information and comfort here and provide us with some of your own!

If you would like to get in touch with us we can be reached at: becomingafamily@gmail.com
Feel free to stop by anytime. We're happy to share our family story.

Take care,
Brian and Rosemary

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

What Cheeses My Grits - Part 1

As this title suggests, today I'm going to talk about something that really irks me. People who talk about the children they are adopting, are going to adopt in the future, or have adopted as if they are performing a charitable work. And when I say it irritates me, trust me, I'm being polite because it royally jellies my doughnut! Whenever Brian and I run into these people, and it inevitably happens all too often, he knows that as soon as we escape their presence I'm going to rant and rave for ages. In case I haven't mentioned it lately - Brian is a saint for putting up with my good Irish temper.

What in the world causes people to think that adoption is an acceptable form of "ministry"? The only reason to adopt a child is because the adult has a burning desire to parent a child, or that specific child, if the case is known to them. Every child deserves to have parents who are overjoyed with the opportunity to have them as a member of the family. That statement should go doubly for adopted kids who have already lost so much. The idea of any of them being received out of some sense of "christian duty" like a Victorian novel or a bad scene from Orphan Train is just heartbreaking. Not to mention tacky. It's so incredibly tacky when I hear these people talking about their child - a human being - as if he or she were an after school project. Have they no shame??

I recently got into an email "discussion" with a gentleman, and adoptive parent, who is running a website where he is urging people to "consider doing more than just child sponsorship - instead see if you can't find room in your life for the adoption of a needy orphan." This is all the sort of rhetoric that truly bothers me. If people aren't thrilled by the idea of parenting (again or for the first time) then it is heinous to manipulate them into feeling some level of guilt over not adopting a child. That is not the way a family should be formed!! Those are not the parents these kids should be receiving. There are lots of fantastic programs that we can all get involved in to help alleviate child and family suffering around the globe and that is a much better way to contribute unless you truly want to parent adoptively.

So yea, it makes me mad when I see people who have been blessed to have a child in their home and do the hard work of parenting and yet they seem incapable of realizing that this opportunity is stripped away from people everyday for no other reason than poverty, governmental upheaval or poor health. We are all so lucky to be adoptive parents with some sort of resources and some level of good health (or else we wouldn't have been approved) in this beautifully stable country. Adopting a child doesn't make us good people it makes us all lucky as hell.

--Rosemary

15 comments:

Wyndee said...

Amen sista! :-)

Jen and Jeff said...

I love ya, Rosemary. You are direct and smart and hit the nail on the head of every subject. I couldn't agree more. I hate to hear someone say how great we are for adopting - like it is saintly or something. We are not saints. We are dying to be parents and share our love and life with a little one. It is a shame that adoption even has to exist. That we live in a world where children end up in orphanages. Yet at the same time I am grateful - and yes, feel lucky as hell - that we can be finally be parents, and especially be the parents of our little Ruby. You are going to make a great Mom, Roses, and, LOL, those trying to mess with you or your "Button" better watch out!:-)

Robin and Kyle said...

AMEN!

Jessica said...

I love the title of this post, and, in particular, that it says "part 1." I can't wait to read the others. It's an odd, odd world that we live in. And, you're exactly right, sometimes its people are terribly off the mark.

a Tonggu Momma said...

Now I can't wait to hear parts 2, 3, 4... :)

Yoli said...

It is one of the hardest things for me to digest in the world of adoption. It is like they are buying the stairway to heaven. IT is actually one of the things that made me drop out of Christianity, just so you have an inkling of the disgust I have on the subject. The ton of blogs out there toting psamls and salvation for the child that was "meant" for them is insane. Like yes, God decided to have this poor woman be your womb, so you can come along save him/her from a life of being a heathen and in the mean time buy yourself salvation. Gross.

Chris and Terri said...

You hit the nail on the head again! People made comments when we announced we were adopting (or we got the smug WHY?) but the saintly comments have flowed since we received a picture. If they only knew how blessed we feel to be able to adopt, to be able to parent another chld, how much we wanted to be a parent "one more time" and how lucky and blessed we feel we are right now, but they don't.

Although Jessica worded it much more eloquently, I continue to quote my fabulous husband whose out of character comment still has me in stitches -

"People are stupid. You can't fix stupid people."

Jen and Jeff said...

LOL. I have to add that I like Terri's husbands line as well. Too funny. Too true.

Geez, wish we could all have a big lunch together somewhere and talk about life and adoptions finer and more difficult issues. Where and when?

Kiy said...

We rant about the same thing. :) I feel like I am surrounded by these kinds of people. I didn't think there were that many of us out there that thought this way. Nice, and quite refreshing to find out that I (and the hubs) are not alone in this thinking. Don't even get me started on the whole fund raising thing.

Cheers, happy to have found you (through TM),

Kiy

blackbelt said...

I have heard comments like this about our son, too, from people of all religions. "Oh, he's so lucky," or "That was so good of you." Ugh. Makes me sick.

If a Christian says that, if ANYONE says that, s/he is just TACKY. Who would say something like that? and in front of the child??

If a Christian thinks doing a "good work" will save them, they have not been reading the Bible, which clearly says over and over and over - did I say over? that it is not by works but by (God's) grace that we are saved! Can't earn brownie points!

If a Christian IS encouraging people to adopt as a ministry, sure, they may be getting it all wrong, but I know folks who really "get it" and are encouraging others to look at adoption as a REAL option for building a family. Christians, of all people, being "adopted" by God, should look at adoption as a first line choice.

I see God's hand in our adoption. NOT because I think God made all this suffering so I could have a child (May it never be!!) but because out of all the worldly problems and illnesses, that He could create a beauty. Out of all the sadness, that this child could be gifted to me and so much love and beauty arise. I believe only God can make Love and Goodness out of sadness and pain.

Lastly, I JUST WANTED A CHILD. As a Christian, I never even thought the word "charity." But, I still had it ALL WRONG. My attitude and approach to adoption was SO misguided. I hope my son, the people I've affected and most of all God, will forgive me.

Suzanne said...

How about this one: An incident is reported where a child has been badly abused, or is suddenly orphaned due to some type of tragedy, and calls to adopt the child suddenly begin flooding in. Where were these people before this happened? And how many of them will actually follow through and find out more about adopting a child who is waiting for a home? Any time a story like that shows up in the news, my husband knows he's in for another one of my long, ranting monologues.

Jen said...

I see what you are saying....that we shouldn't adopt to 'save' these poor little children. That is the wrong attitude but so is the attitude that the sole reason to adopt is that you want to parent. It is natural for most people, I think, to want to parent but it is not natural to want to parent other people's children. That is a special calling I believe and yes, a responsibility. All of my children, bio or not, I was called to care for by God. God intended for me to be my biological children's parent. He intended however for the two children I am in the process of adopting to be raised by their birth mom and she cannot. She cannot because of poor choices and life experience and because of a failed world. I do not believe God would have broken up their family because they were meant to be mine. I believe that they needed me to step in and be their mother, to love them, to encourage them, to guide them....and that God will bless that 'ministry.' I wish no one had to parent another's child. I wish there wasn't death or drugs or abuse or poverty or life circumstances that made it necessary, but there is and to say that we want that to happen so we can parent is strange. I want to grow my family. I want to parent, yes, but I already do that. I chose to grow my family through adoption because I have a loving home to offer a child, I have always had a heart for children in need, and yes, there is a biblical command to do so if called. Are we lucky to be able to adopt these children that will add so much to our lives, undoubtedly, but there is a NEED that cannot be discounted. It is not WHO they are but it is a part of their story. I would never say to my child that they became a part of our family because I wanted to be a mommy. I will say to them that their Mommy wasn't able to parent them and I am so blessed that I get to. That becoming their mommy is one of my greatest joys. I feel like I'm blabbering.......hope this makes sense.

rosemary said...

Jen,
I absolutely never said that I wanted drugs, or poverty or abuse or any other way in which an original family might reach dissolution to occur so that I might parent. That is a gross misrepresentation of this blog posting. I am a vehement supporter of original family preservation, single mothers, adoptee rights and open adoption and I would never wish that any child be removed from their original family unless necessary. However, since children are removed from their first families and are in need of care, I maintain my opinion that there is no excuse for anyone to become adoptive parents and then serve their adopted child with less than wholehearted love, enthusiasm and devotion for the act of parenting. I just feel that all children, but especially adoptees, deserve to be parented by someone who is absolutely THRILLED to have the job.

Robin and Kyle said...

I take offense to Jen's statement that "it is not natural to want to parent other people's children."

I chose to adopt solely because I wanted to be a parent. Selfish? Absolutely. I did not adopt because a child needed a parent. Of course, we were careful to chose an agency and program that was as ethical as we could find, so that we could bring our son home with as much confidence possible knowing he was not able to stay in his birth family. Yes, our son "needed" a family. That's not why we adopted him. It's important for us that our son grow up to learn this, and not to feel that he was a charity case or a way to make merit. He's our son because we desperately wanted to parent him.

There are countless ways to make the world a better place and help people in need. People can donate time and resources at the local, national, or international level to the causes they are passionate about. A child is not a cause.

rosemary said...

That is really beautiful, Robin. T is a great kid with a great mom.