So the other day I was thinking about Button and finally getting to meet him and becoming a mom and I started to feel well--- odd. I couldn't quite put my finger on it but it wasn't exactly the most delightful feeling in the world. What could possibly be wrong with me? I am completely in love with this little boy. Nobody has ever been more excited about becoming a mother. And yet, the feeling persisted.
Then I recognized it. All the symptoms were the same. STAGE FRIGHT.
So after a week of crabby attitudes and high strung nerves, I decided I couldn't live with constant stage fright for 5 more months. I pushed all the noise out of my psychic space and focused on the problem. I finally found it and I was none too pleased with myself. "What if I'm not good at it? What if my kid always has jam stains around their mouth and mis-matched socks? What if I'm the mom who can't remember spirit day and is late for carpool?" Oh my goodness, was it possible that my parenting angst could be boiled down to high school, nerdy girl, not-good-enough issues? The horror!!So I reminded my incredibly subdued ego that good parenting is really only contingent on loving and valuing Button for exactly who he is. Then I walked into the bathroom took a long look at myself in the mirror and said, "Grow up, Rosemary, you are about to be a mom." and I smiled because it was the best advice I'd ever given myself.
--Rosemary
Posts
4 comments:
You are so cute! Listen we all get stage fright. What happened to my husband and I when we left for China to adopt our first child was all together different. We got there we were loving everything, in short we were tourists. In complete denial, until we had to fly to the province where we received our daughter. Once there, we walk into the room and see a crib. We both look at each other in confusion and I tell my husband to call housekeeping to take the crib away. We both gasped and we laughed, we realized at that moment just how in denial we had been. A screaming toddler was placed in our hands 30 mins later. Feels like going on stage in your underwear. Once that is over then parenting begins. I loved it. It was not easy but that is why it is so important to read and to prepare. Not every scenario will be the same, so like with Theatre, prepare, reherse and step into the light.
Yoli, that is so funny about the crib!! Sometimes I look at my gorgeous husband and think "He can't be somebody's dad! Fathers are very old men in pleated pants."
I know what you mean and remember it's ok to not be perfect. Do your best and forget the rest. That's why the world has therapists!
When we were about to leave the hospital with Matt, the nurse came in to inspect how we strapped him in the infant seat and she said, Oh no that's all wrong. I laugh now but I wanted to crawl under the bed at the time. I thought I did all my homework and would be perfect at parenting. But we just do the best we can.
Oh have I been there! Last night we were just watching some video we took in Thailand and we were struck by how little T was, and how scared and clueless we were. We remembered how we had no idea what on earth we were doing. Then I realized we still really don't, because the challenges keep changing, but it no longer petrifies me because I'm getting used to the feeling of winging in. ;)
Post a Comment