We designed this site in order to keep in touch with friends and family who are far away and in order to communicate with other adoptive families from around the world.

When we first started researching this wonderful way to become a family we read everything we could get our hands on. Even though there are a lot of great books out there, nothing was as informative or touching as the blogs we found by adoptees, biological parents, and adoptive families. So we are writing this blog now in hopes of returning the favor. We hope that if you are dear to us you will enjoy keeping up with our adventures. If you are someone out there involved in a part of the adoption triad we hope you will find information and comfort here and provide us with some of your own!

If you would like to get in touch with us we can be reached at:
Feel free to stop by anytime. We're happy to share our family story.

Take care,
Brian and Rosemary

Monday, August 24, 2009

This is going to hurt you more than it hurts me

Sometimes when I think of everything a person looses and gains in adoption I am overloaded by the immensity of it all. It is such a huge amount of information to process. Any person who has to walk down the adoptive path to self is carrying a much heavier load than those of us from the typical biological family. How do they answer one question in light of the next? Because as some of us, who have tried to think our way through the tangle of broken family, know there is always a next question. Wouldn't it be great to get to the FINAL ANSWER? To find an ultimate exposition on original family dissolution and the creation of adoption!

I don't know why this has happened to Button. I don't know why some children are born with the great luck of having biological parents who are fully capable of parenting them and blessed with all the resources for the difficult journey ahead. I know that it is not because those children are more deserving or because those mothers are instinctively more maternal. I do know that my son was not able to stay with his first family and after 7 months in foster care he was assigned to our case.

I also know that at some point in his life this will cause him deep pain. It is not debatable. I refuse to even listen to the people who say things like, "Some kids aren't really bothered by the adoption thing." or "He'll know you're his REAL parents and that's all he needs to know." Hogwash! Perhaps Button will be the kind of kid who doesn't want to talk about his feelings a lot. Maybe he will even work through to a deep and abiding peace regarding his adoption at an early age but I refuse to deny the truth that I know. At some point in his life "being adopted" is going to hurt and confuse him terribly.

I wish I could save him from it but I can't. I can't even find his peace for him. He has to work through all of this on his own. But I will be there with whatever support he needs whether it's tissues, or screaming matches, or reunion research, or bail money (please God no) or engagement ring shopping. I honestly can't begin to imagine all the experiences or people that might help him as he surfs through this emotional reality that is his to own. But I'm not going to tell him that one thing or another can't be of value to him. He gets to decide what he needs in order to become whole and accept this complex legacy: two sets of parents, one genetic heritage one adoptive heritage.



Jessica said...

How eloquently you've asked this big WHY question. But being there, and being fully committed no matter what (still laughing about bail), isn't that the greatest gift any parent can give?

Your son is blessed with parents who acknowledge his past and are prepared, teeth bared if that's what it takes, for his future. That is the pinnacle for any family.

Wyndee said...

Bail money---- ha ha ha!

Chris and Terri said...

I've often struggled with the Whys of the World. I hope someday M will understand this Why...

Yoli said...

His real advantage in dealing with his loss is the fact that you recognize it. You can only be present but that will come to mean the world to him. Every human being questions where they came from no matter how much they hide it, it is in their hearts. Sometimes they do not voice it for fear of hurting the adoptive parents but it is there. Anyone going into adoption thinking otherwise should not be adopting.