I think I always felt peace for Button as long as I could think of him as being with his mom. As growing inside her and being cared for by her in that inimitable fashion. But now I had to realize he had entered a very different time. I suddenly thought "My baby, my Button, has already been born and most likely already been relinquished for some as-yet-unknown-to-me reason. He is somewhere in the limbo of the system without the care of permanent parents. He is, right now as I breathe, trapped between the provision of his original mother and me." Then I panicked. I just couldn't seem to quit thinking about it - worrying about it - obsessing about it. Even though I know all the facts. I know that Holt runs an amazing program; the other families who have brought their children home say nothing but positive things. I know that the Holt foster families are reported to be fantastic! My brain knows all of that. But what does that information matter to me when I have a child somewhere on the other side of the world and I cannot care for him???
I know I haven't spoken much about my faith on this blog but I'm going to now. I have spent a lot of time praying in the last few days. I have been in real need of comfort as I faced these fears for our child. I read my Bible and asked the Lord for mercy but I couldn't seem to find anything that would bring me solace. Then, as I was clearing out my desk to pack for this move, I found an old 3x5 card that I had stuck in a drawer. I had copied this on it: "Every blade of grass has its angel that bends over it and whispers, 'Grow, grow.' - The Talmud." As I stared at that card an image came in my mind of an enormous angel bending low over a sleeping baby and whispering "Thrive, Thrive".
I know it's just a silly imagination but it has brought me a great deal of peace. I do believe that God is watching over our child and us and his other parents during this very difficult process. Even though it takes a lot of faith to make such bold statements, I also believe that He has placed all the right caregivers in Button's life so that he may thrive. Even if it has to be the unseen and unknown the Lord will provide for him. After all, Bangkok is called The City of Angels.
- Rosemary
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6 comments:
Oh, Roses, you think (and worry) as much as I do! :-) But, heck, how can we not? I love this post and how loving and thoughtful a person you are. You really stop to think things through. I love that quote you found. Sometimes the right words or thoughts or even song is put right in front of us right when we need it most. And friends, too! It was wonderful to talk to you today!
I believe God is watching over Button. And I believe there is a troup of angels over there keeping our kids safe until the time they are handed over to our care. Talk to you soon, my friend. Keep up the faith and peace...and I will too! Thanks for the perspective today, too.
I don't want to be preachy. I'd worry too. If I'd known to worry, I would have. I was just too out of it to. ;-) But here's another one for you:
"Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by your name;
You are Mine.
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
And through the rivers, they shall not overflow you.
When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned,
Nor shall the flame scorch you.
For I am the LORD your God,
The Holy One of Israel, your Savior"
- Isaiah 43: 1-3
The Lord knows Button by name. Intimately. He loves that child more than you can begin to.
I believe adoption is an expression of our faith. How can it not be?? So much we can not control, so much we can not know, our prayers reside upon the wings of hope. Praying for you and your Button today.
Button is looked after, fear not. I believe those loving thoughts and good karma are traveling to Button, that he/she feels it. Faith is about trust on something you cannot see or touch but only feel. Button feels you.
Wow! That is a moment of realization! It's a big deal, to know that your child is in this world, but not yet with you. All we can do is rely on God during this time of wait. He knit our babies in the womb, he placed every hair on their heads, and he will protect them.
I'm glad you shared your Jewish faith! :)
Sending Hugs,
ellie
Ellie,
Thanks so much for your encouragement!! I just wanted to make sure I cleared something up though. We're not Jewish. We actually happen to be attending an Episcopalian church right now, although neither of us were raised there. I have enjoyed reading The Talmud though. I've found a lot of wisdom therein!
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