How We Are Formed

As you all know, I think it is extremely important to learn from the experiences on all sides of the adoption triad. I read as many blogs and forums as I can to be aware of how original families, other adoptive parents, and adoptees are feeling about this huge adventure we are all on. All of these people are my guides and the only way we can learn and change for the better is by teaching each other. There is no one else to do it for us.

I've been interested to come across comments like this a lot lately: "In order to adopt a child you must first destroy the biological family." As a pre-adoptive parent, in my particular circumstances, I would like to say why it makes me uncomfortable to have this idea broadcast as a blind corollary and universal truism.

Of course, I know that there are a lot of adoptive parents who are more than willing to work with unethical agencies and play their part in coercing young/uneducated/poor women into giving up their children when it is not in the best interest of the original family. The "Juno-esq" adoption scenario of meeting a woman who has had no counseling or legal representation, showing a giant house and empty nursery, making her feel bad for not being among the working wealthy and saying, "How sure do you think you are that you're going to give us your baby?" is a completely unethical way to conduct an adoption and should be illegal. In fact, I would say that behavior would definitely fall in the category of an adoptive family building itself on the destruction of a biological family. That doesn't mean that the first mom would have turned out to be a saint or that the adoptive parents are evil I am merely referencing the starting point. However, there are many, many adoptions the world over that are conducted ethically and with the best interests of the child in mind.

Since I started working in my field, none of the kids I liasoned for in US foster care were sent there on the request of an adoptive family, who purposely destroyed the first family so they could sweep in and scoop up the kids. In the past decade that I have been involved in a girl's rescue home in Thailand, I have seen countless children placed by their biological families. None of these children were brought to our gates because an adoptive family convinced/paid/manipulated the desperate mothers. In fact, at our home, none of the girls are even eligible for adoption. And yet deflated mothers still arrive and leave tearful children behind. These women all have good reasons that are mostly beyond the comprehension of our safe, secure, American lives. I know a lot of these families and I admire and love them. Their life choices have been heartbreaking and it sickens me when I hear self-absorbed Westerners saying things like, "It's not that bad to grow up in some poor village in remote Asia. Why don't those women just keep their kids?" They are doing everything to keep their kids safe and trust me when I say that the struggles of their lives defy the limits of my vocabulary or the scope of most imaginations.

I do not think there is a blind corollary between adoption and first family loss because I see children loose their biological families constantly but rarely do they acquire the benefits, and admitted difficulties, of an adopted family. So I guess how I would change the prior statement, ""In order to adopt a child you must first destroy the biological family," in discussing the topic with our son (at an appropriate age) would be to say:

"Many kinds of adoptions exist but they all have two things in common: 1) An original family was disrupted, for any number of reasons, but we all grieve that loss forever. 2) An adoptive family is formed and we love each other unconditionally just as we are."

-- Rosemary

(Please note that I am NOT an adoption worker and the home I am associated with DOES NOT facilitate adoptions!! It is simply a rescue facility for girl's endangered by starvation, abuse, and child prostitution. Children can find safety and possibility at our home and we encourage and help maintain relationships with safe members of original families. I do NOT work in the adoption community in anyway.)