When I wrote my blog last week about Adoption Dissolution I was certain it would receive some negative feedback. And it did. Oddly enough though the people who supported Ms. Tedaldi's decision to place her son for adoption a second time didn't leave comments on my post they sent me emails instead. Some of them were interesting to read and some of them were just plain ugly.
One woman said that in the years since their adoption took place they have had a lot of difficulties and she could really relate to Ms. Tedaldi's story and she felt grateful that someone was talking about it so honestly. She said that post adoption depression is very real. It was interesting to read that email because I agree with that sentiment completely!! I totally believe that post-partum and post adoptive depression is a natural and obvious condition that afflicts many families. I am reading a book now about post adoption depression so that in case it is something Brian and I face later we can know where to start dealing with it. I also wish more people would talk about their experiences honestly - I guess everyone is afraid of being called a "bad mom". However, all that being said, I don't think that has anything to do with adoption dissolution. Lots of great, fully committed families face post-adoption depression, special needs children and many other stressors (like spouses on active deployment) and don't dissolve their child's place in the family. Commitment does not mean doing something as long as it is easy.
I also got several incredibly SNARKY emails from adoptive mothers which basically all said the same thing "You haven't even brought your child home yet. You don't know how hard adoption is. Maybe your kid will be perfect but maybe the whole thing will be awful. I think Ms. Tedaldi had every right to do what she did."
Hmmmm.... How to respond to that?
It's true our son has not joined our family geographically yet but it doesn't affect our love for him. It's also true that I don't know if he will be an easy child to raise or a difficult one but that doesn't matter either. I am his mother and I am not expecting him to be perfect (nor would I even want that) I am committed to him no matter who he is. The same idea that these women all expressed to me was "You don't know how hard adoption is." Of course, that is 100% true! However, I feel that the better reality is that I don't yet know how hard parenting is. But I am expecting it to be hard, just like marriage can be very difficult but ultimately rewarding, and full of love. I am not going to give my husband away and I am not going to give my kids away either. They are my family and they are allowed to be difficult.
--Rosemary
Monday, September 28, 2009
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6 comments:
Thank you for not approving the comment I made on your previous post (at my request.) But after having read the writers previous piece - We Can't Trade In Our Children or Husbands - I had a totally different outlook on the weight her opinion should have.
I'm glad you're reading up on PAD - it should really be required reading for all preadoption courses!
Rosemary, I totally agree with your post here. I cannot imagine any situation that would make me give my son away after waiting so long for him to be a part of our family. Perhaps people in the adoption dissolution were not fully prepared by their agencies or did not have enough faith in God to pull them through...who knows. I will pray for them, for those of us waiting, and most importantly for the children. Everyone needs help from above, some more than others.
You are right. The PAD issue and dissolution issue are two separate issues.
As for the fact that you don't have Button yet? You don't have to be a drug addict to know it's wrong; nor a prostitute nor a murderer to know all that is wrong. Even if life IS hard.
The only time I can see a dissolution is if it is an older child who is causing physical harm to the family - setting fires, violent, etc. Some of those highly disturbed children figure out how to hide it all until later on. Even then, I've seen success stories.
Otherwise? No way. No sympathy.
I second Blackbelt. Also, the only voice that is heard are of the adoptive parent. The child who is ultimately the victim in all of this, had no voice.
Yes, to Blackbelt, I agree with you. I have heard of older child adoptions where the child was hurting other family members and I thought I would place that child in a group home for safety sake. So I do understand that decision. I really do.
Yes, to Yoli!! We have to remember that in moments like this the adoptees are silenced and the adoptive parents are the ones who have taken away their voices. That is not acceptable.
Amen to blackbelt's thoughts. And yes, I have lived it - attachment issues, post-adoption depression, sensory issues, other unexpected challenges. It is HARD. But a child is not returnable. And I'm so very glad we stuck through it... otherwise we wouldn't have our amazing Tongginator.
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