I'm always amazed at the people who I hear saying things like "We thought about domestic adoption but we didn't want the birth parents involved so we decided to go the international route." Maybe it's because I've spent so much time abroad but don't people realize that the rest of the world has internet too? Phone lines, cable tv, and airplanes have arrived in every country that has signed the Hague treaty which means that as adoptive parents we all need to understand the phrase "global village" in a new and personal way.
Internet Cafe and bookstore in Bangkok Shopping Mall
One of my favorite essays from Adoptive Families was an adoptive mom's story of how 15 years after bringing their son home from Korea her phone rang and a lovely young woman's voice explained that she was their son's biological mom. She had immigrated to America and now lived in California. Would a reunion be possible? Another blog I read tells of a Chinese-Canadian girl's struggle to reunion with her entire first family in Taiwan via a computer voice translator which takes her words and turns them into Mandarin. Cool, huh? And complicated.
I think both of those stories are amazing in that they are examples of two children from international adoption who are having the opportunity to meet their parents! I truly believe that these stories are going to become more and more frequent for families formed through international adoption and I rejoice in it. Every child has a right to an understanding of their genetic (and cultural) identity.
Brian and I hope that we can make contact with Button's other parents. We hope that we can develop a relationship with them early on while Button is still young. In our ideal world there would be no earth shattering moment in Button's twenties when he would have to go out and find his biological parents. We would love to exchange emails, pictures, letters and visit whenever we are in Thailand. However, we know that adoption is about as far from an ideal world as you can get. We understand that they may not want relationship with our family. They may not have left any contact info. They may not be able to face the loss.
Sometimes I try to imagine what it would feel like to loose a child to relinquishment. I imagine what it would feel like to be in contact with his adoptive family. I do think I would want contact: pictures, phone calls, a chance to explain things when he was older. I also think that I would be really jealous of his mom. I might even hate her a little. I think there would be a lot of days when I was simply incapable of talking to any of them. It might get better with time but it might just get worse. Contemplating these ideas is awful but I make myself do it so that whatever the future holds for my relationship with Button's other mother I can hold my arms out with fullness. Button deserves that and she deserves it too.
- Rosemary
Posts
14 comments:
One of the things that I loved about internatinal adoption was exactly that--no intrusive birth parents. Then my first adoption came and the realization that my needs and wants will always take a back seat to the needs and wants of my child. I mourned not knowing her parents. I look at my child's face (now children)and I think of the sacrifice their parents made. My joy came at another's loss. I will make every effort to locate them. In my case (China) is like looking for a needle in a haystack but it is the least I can do for my children. I can at least try. When they are grown if and when they want that information, whatever I have, it will be given to them.
Yea, it's interesting how much our opinions have changed on this subject too. When we first started researching adoption we were really only open to limited contact with the biological family and now, of course, we feel very different about that!! That's one of the reasons why I think it's so important to really read a lot of books and adoptee blogs. They've changed my minds about sooooooo many things!
Great post, baby! You do such a wonderful job of telling the story of our adoption process. I think it's the best adoption blog out there ( biased maybe). Love you!
In response to your comment, I will definitely let you know as plans for the non-profit shape up! I'm hoping to aim it towards families without resources as well as middle-class families who are having problems with their kids or having trouble finding time to get the family together for dinner. It's rough for everyone!
One thousand thank yous!
My feelings on this change fairly frequently but I always enjoy exploring the subject. I remember that article from Adoptive Families though and it sure made me think!
We had once the opportunity to meet the Bmother after the adoption. And it was a wonderful experience! Although the girls met her and hugged her, they didn't understand that she was their Bmother. They were only 3,5 years old and didn't even feel that the Thai people looked like them. So we just explained them that she is a good friend of mommy. One day I hope to meet her again and now the girls are old enough (7 yesterday!) to meet and greet her in a proper way ;-)
Mireille, thanks for sharing about that experience! That must have been an incredible thing for all of you. I hope you get to meet here again too. She must be so proud of your beautiful girls!!
I wanted to tell you I started a new series:
http://blackbeltoma.blogspot.com/2009/04/why-it-matters-i.html
Just thought I'd note: the translator isn't voice-activated or anything. You type in the pinyin and it converts to a menu of characters which you select from.
Oh crap, I also meant to add that it doesn't translate. It converts words but you have to know the pinyin (and most instances the tone) of the word, plus the context.
Sisterheping, that sounds very complicated! Best wishes as you continue to work so hard towards this reunion. I hope it blesses you and your parents.
It is. Beyond words.
I think I'll echo what another commenter once said at my blog: "I'm beginning to understand now that just because you know some words and can say them doesn't mean you can express yourself at that language."
That would be dead accurate.
Rosemary I have a link to a blog that might interest you: http://www.hyphenmagazine.com/blog/
Rosemary, I think you and Brian are going to be such good parents! Like Yoli (and as we talked about), we also thought it was okay if the birthparents weren't so much in the picture. Now, of course, we have learned so much and it's all about our daughter and her happiness. We are so hoping to get pics and info on the birthmother and hope to have some kind of communication and relationship with her. I think you sort of go into adoption with eyes half closed (due to lack of knowledge or perhaps naivity) but somewhere along the line they are wide open! Good post!
Post a Comment