I am not Paper Pregnant

"Paper Pregnant" is an interesting phrase to me. More interesting I suppose is it's popularity in the adoption world. I don't say it or use it as a description of my mood or wear t-shirts with it blazed across the front. But I know girls who do. Lovely, sweet, caring women who don't feel uncomfortable with it. Let me say right up front: I AM NOT JUDGING!

But give me a chance to explain why I don't go there. I understand the impulse. Really I do. There is a "secret society of pregnancy" that adoptive moms get left out of. There is an implied and sometimes obvious lack of respect for anyone who isn't giving birth. I have had condescending remarks made to me and outright attacks on my womanhood. I once had a family member announce that a woman's I.Q. goes up ten points after she becomes a mother. She then gave a long pause, looked around the room, allowed her gaze to stop on me and said, "Well, only if you're pregnant first." BTW - that information is completely untrue!

So after we, the incredibly un-pregnant adoptive moms, experience a couple of moments like that I think we begin to build up an almost feral need to protect our "nesting" experience. We are becoming mothers. Some of us for the first time! We too are expecting a child. We are going through a huge amount of stress not to mention physical, emotional, and financial drain. Instead, at family dinners everyone is busy talking about Susy-Q's latest sonogram. Isn't that kind of what it boils down to? Everyone just wants their due? We all just want a little credit and sympathy for our own life experience? All of our pregnant friends and family members are getting theirs and many people cannot understand what the adoption experience means so we cleverly label it "Paper Pregnant" so they can grasp that we're facing parenthood.

However, the reason we don't use "Paper Pregnant" in our household is because we do all want a little credit - that's the human condition. And I'm not pregnant. She is. Button's other mother is pregnant and I think she deserves the credit for it. I have no idea what her life has been like but I bet nobody threw her a baby shower. I bet she has not had it easy and I bet she has had more than her fair share of unpleasant comments from friends and family and maybe even strangers. So I don't want to take even a shred of her credit. She gets it all.

Adopting isn't easy but I don't want a t-shirt that says "Paper Pregnant" because in my opinion those words don't go together. Someone very real is very pregnant and she will suffer the loss of a child because of her circumstances. I think whatever hits I'm taking during this time are minor in comparison. I know it isn't much but I guess it's a gesture of solidarity with her. It's one way that we're showing our respect for both her pregnancy and our adoption. They are two completely different things and we shouldn't have to masquerade our process as something it's not just to get a little support. We feel very grateful for all she's doing and the irreplaceable bond she's creating with Button during this time and I would never try to assume any of that relationship by valuing my own experience more highly than hers.

- Rosemary