The difference in me

I mentioned in a previous blog that this was my first trip back to Thailand since we started our adoption process and I was curious to see how our impending parenthood would affect my experiences. Well, everything was different. Thailand was the same - the difference was in me. Much of it is just too overwhelming (and boring) to re-create in a blog but some of it I am going to try to share because I think it's important. Trust me when I say, "It's really the tip of the iceberg."

The first thing I noticed (and I noticed it right away) was that all my defenses were completely down. I was the Starship Enterprise with a broken forcefield. When we first arrived in Bangkok I went out on the street to walk around in the sunlight for a while and try to let my body clock understand it was now daytime. I saw a beautiful little girl, maybe age 4, sitting alone on the sidewalk, begging. Now I knew that someone (a parent, or a more nefarious character) was watching from a nearby spot. Like many kids, the child's job was to beg because children and disabled people bring in more money than healthy adults. I dropped a few coins in her cup and walked on. I turned and looked back. She seemed so hot and tired. I couldn't stop wondering if she ever got to play. What was her life like? How could I help her? Was there a quota and if she made enough would they let her quit for the day? Or if I put a lot of money in her cup would they think she was a valuable asset and make her stay longer? I couldn't figure out what to do for her. Finally, I went and bought some noodles from a street vendor and took them to her. She just stared at me and then started eating like a starving wolf. I was so afraid someone would come along and take it from her that I stood there watching over her until she finished. I understand that buying food for little kids on the street is half crazy. I know that this one act doesn't solve any social problems or change anything for that girl's life. I get it. But I don't know where my child or his other mother is and every suffering person seemed like family.

- Rosemary