Button and Mamma pt. 1

In "Toddler Adoption: the Weaver's Craft" it tells us that 75% of toddler's adopted bond first with their father while rejecting their mother to some degree. This may be for a variety of reasons - scary female caregivers at orphanages, a tight bond with a foster mother or suffering from the primal wound of infant loss of their biological mother but whatever the reason they are slow to find room in their hearts for Mom.

And yet, pouring over adoption blogs for the past 2 years I never really found very many that reported stories like this. Hmmm... could it be that we are embarrassed? That the "super mommy" myths and the stroller derby that is modern parenting has forced us into some kind of self-imposed silence? Yea, I think that's possible but whatever people's personal reasons are for not sharing I totally respect that but I am going to talk about our bonding struggles on this blog. I want Button to have the story later and I also want any other moms struggling with this to know they're not alone.

When we first met Button he seemed to "like" us both ok. But he obviously thought Brian was wicked fun for all the dude reasons: wrestling, ball playing, truck sound effects, etc. It wasn't that I didn't do those things with him but I just didn't do them as well as Daddy. Testosterone deficient. Then, while we were still in Thailand, that preference seemed to suddenly turn into a dislike for me. I can't begin to tell you how unlucky it was that Brian was sick they day of the "child transfer." After he officially became ours Button really seemed to feel that everything he was experiencing was my fault. If Brian left the room he just freaked out. Only Brian could get him to sleep, bathe him, or make him laugh. If I could explain to you my level of discouragement at that time I would. But I'll just let your imagination go to work.

Once we got home, he did a little better in fits and starts. He would let me feed him at one meal and then, at the next meal, throw food at me and hit his tray screaming until Brian took over. He would allow Brian to hold and sway him to sleep but when I did nap/bedtime he would just scream and point at the bed until I would lie him down and then he would just roll away from me and cry himself to sleep.

He was happy to let me entertain him though. I could play blocks with him, take him on walks, push him in his car, read to him. I was a great "clown" but as soon as I tried to be a caregiver he started to show great ANGER and really tried to exert toddler rejection. He hated having his diaper changed by anyone but when Mommy did it it was an unbelievably violent exchange. Sometimes he would lie still and smile at me until I cautiously moved close to him then he would kick sideways, directly into my stomach, with all his might while screaming and laughing.

Button is much too active for the Ergo and we pretty much figured from the second we met him that it was going to be a no-go but we valiantly tried it a couple of times to see if he would adjust. He allowed Brian to ride him around the yard a few times before screaming to get down. The one time we put him in the ergo while I wore it he pulled my hair and bit my neck so hard I cried.

How does it feel to wait for years to be a mom and then find out your child wants nothing to do with you? Oh it feels terrible! I won't sugar coat it. It's the most discouraging, depressing, debilitating emotion I've ever felt. Especially when I see him giving love so freely to his dad and grandparents.

Button and I have already come a long way and I am going to talk about that in some additional posts on this subject but for now I will say that if this is happening to you or if you are a pre-adoptive parent and you experience this in the future: "Hang in there! You are a good mom (or dad) and I think you're great!"

--Rosemary.

My First Mother's Day

May 9, 2010 was my first Mother's Day and I will always remember it. Brian and Button let me sleep for ages and finally woke me with a sweet breakfast in bed and loving cards. French toast with peach preserves! Button was so adorable. He couldn't believe that Daddy was bringing food upstairs and that we were sitting in the bed eating it. Naturally, he thought it was all a giant treat for him! Who could blame him? Everything we do is a treat for him! I couldn't have loved anything more than having that happy, laughing little boy sitting in my lap being fed french toast though. Brian was on call so he had to spend most of the day at the hospital but once he got home he made sure to let me "off duty" and I got to spend the rest of the afternoon reading and chatting on the phone. It was such a delightful rest!

I did think of Button's other mother. Several times in fact. My heart sent her loving gratitude as I watched my son play in the yard on this very special day. But we didn't talk about her. We've decided that we're going to just celebrate the ways we parent Button on American Mother (and Father's) Day. We are going to do a separate celebration of all the ways Button's first family is important on Thai Mother's and Father's Day. I don't know if that is a good or bad idea but adoption always has so many elements of loss and love mixed together and we want to try to sort them out as much as possible so that all of us, especially our children, can truly find the joy and also mourn what's gone.

I had a wonderful day and I couldn't have loved anything or anyone more. Thank you, Brian, for being my perfect husband and thank you, Button, for being our just right little boy! I'm grateful to be a mom.

--Rosemary

Button Talks

Lat week I talked about the incredible healing power that language is having in our family. But I know that many of you adoptive and especially pre-adoptive families are wanting the specifics. It has been two months since we met Button and only 6 weeks in America so what exactly does Button say and understand? OK, here goes:

We feel pretty confident that he understands almost everything we say to him now. If I notice he isn't responding or he seems angry I will get down and make direct eye-contact, slow my speech and try to simplify whatever I am saying. If that doesn't correct the attitude problem then it usually isn't language related. He doesn't seem to be grasping abstract feeling words yet though. For instance, even though we say "I love you" a million times a day he doesn't seem to know that it means anything. We even say it in Thai and try to act it out by saying it to each other and giving hugs and kisses. I say it to the cat with a big funny hug that he loves! My parents say it on skype and touch their hearts. He will mimic all the motions but his eyes have that blank look I have learned to recognize and he never repeats the sounds. We did have one "abstract" breakthrough though. He learned what "hurt" means. He was pulling and pulling on his teeth and I kept talking to him about "hurt teeth" and suddenly I saw the light go on. Now he points at the orajel and his teeth and screams "hurt!"

He says lots of nouns but like most children his age he can't really say compound consonants so truck, train and trash all basically sound like slight variations of "tuck" but he applies the noise to the object in question at the time so we know he gets it. He says: car, egg, milk, cup, dog, book, ball, duck, socks, pants, shoes, toes, bread, keys, teeth, hair, hat.

His verbs are pretty limited. He screams "eat" like a guest star at Medieval Times so we're pretty sure that's his favorite word. He says, "a walk" to mean "let's go", or "I want to leave this place" or "take me outside". So it's sort of a verb/command/all purpose wish for him. He also says "play" and "bath." His baths are definitely an activity so I'm putting that on the verb list.

His proper nouns are limited to: Mama, Dada, Bopa, Gaigai and Gilbert (the cat) who he screams for frequently by shouting "Baber." The cat does not respond. Oh he also calls Elmo "Lalala" because of his stupid song. So I guess that's another proper noun... unfortunately.

He has no adjectives yet except for "wow" and "ah-oh" but he says them so cutely that I am pretty sure he can get through life with just those.

His sound effects are developing well too (an integral part of the healthy toddler brain). He cannot whistle but he makes a fake whistle sound when we whistle. Yep, it's cute! He makes about 10 different animal noises which he can match correctly to the named animal!! He makes a honk noise when he drives the little car Duchess bought for him. He makes a vroom noise for the truck and a "choo-choo" for the train. Neither of these sound right but he is working on it!

We are so proud of our Button-Boy who is working incredibly hard to communicate with us!

--Rosemary

Language

It has been 2 months since we met Button and I can say, without a doubt, that the number one change is language. Button's ability to understand what we are saying has decreased his anger and frustration level by about 75% and his ability to communicate his simple toddler needs has raised his trust in us a huge extent. He tells us what he wants i.e. cup and then we give it to him = he feels he can trust us to provide for him. You might be thinking that is a ridiculous oversimplification of relationship. Well, of course, it's not everything - not even close - but like I said before language has brought the single most powerful change we've seen so far.

For instance, 1 month ago a scenario would play out where he would start screaming suddenly and for no discernable reason. I would ask over and over what he wanted. I would volunteer objects. I would carefully check the big 3: tired, hungry, wet. If I didn't get lucky and happen upon the desired item (one time it was a tiny plastic cat sitting in a high windowsill) after kicking and hitting attempts, he would simply scream himself out. Now just a month later, he can easily just tell me what he wants but if he gets too hungry and starts to head down this road I say,"Button can you point to what you want?" He will then point at the object. If it is a word he knows like "truck" I will say, "Can you ask nicely for that truck?" and he will say, "Peas tuck." If it is a new word we will practice that word once and then he can play with the item.

His ability to express himself and to understand us has released so much fear from our beautiful little boy. Don't get too excited here, but sometimes he will even play with his car in the hallway and allow me to go into the potty-room alone...if I leave the door open and if I sing the whole time. Baby steps, folks, baby steps.

--Rosemary

Bopa and GaiGai

Attachment and bonding is a funny thing. So many books have been written on it that I don't even want to think about it and yet it's still such a mystery. We are told so many things to do "right" to help aid the attachment process: parent facing strollers, child slings, co-sleeping, parent care instead of daycare when possible, time-ins instead of time-outs, feeding them instead of allowing them to feed themselves, massage, and constant eye contact.

That's quite a list of "correct parenting" pressure and that doesn't even begin to touch all the other regular parenting stuff. That's just the attachment and bonding stuff. And that's just some of it. And oh yeah, all of that effort doesn't guarantee anything, because attachment is a mystery. Yes, we need to do all that we can to help our kids through this very difficult period but we also have to just do the best we can and cut ourselves some slack.

Skeptical? Allow me to tell you the story of Bopa and GaiGai.

Bopa and GaiGai would be my parents, Button's grandparents. They arrived for a visit about 10 days after we came home to America and stayed about 4 days. The second Button met Gai Gai they had a gentle, pleasant communication. No strife. If Gai Gai said no then he just accepted that and moved on. If Mommy says no there is hell to pay. If Gai Gai changed his diaper it rarely turned into a bloodsport whereas, in those days, if Mommy did it there was carnage. Then there is Bopa. The whole world stopped turning for Button the second Bopa walked through the door. It was as if his favorite person ever, who he had known always, suddenly showed up to rescue him. Dare I say it? Bopa was more popular even than Daddy. Yes, it's true! Now my Dad has always been sort of a pied piper with little kids. I would not hesitate to say that all children like my dad and his 6 grandkids adore him...but this was RIDICULOUS!

It has been more than a month since my parents left town and Button asks for them daily. When he picks up his toy phone he calls "Bopa, Gai-Gai, Bopa". If he gets mad at us (frequently) he runs to the door and calls "Bopa" as if Grandpa is going to come and rescue him. Last week we took him for a picnic and he had a lovely afternoon out. Running and playing all day! Naturally, he was upset to go home so you can bet as soon as we put him in his car seat he started screaming for "BOPA, BOPA, BOPA!"

Then several days ago, I took him to the Best Buy to get a Sesame Street DVD and as we walked out there was an older couple who actually looked a great deal like my parents. Button went nuts waving his arms and calling to them "Bopa, Gai-Gai". Before I could stop him he raced over and hugged the woman's legs. When he looked up and saw it wasn't the right face he started screaming in terror and we had a full scale meltdown all the way home.

We don't know what enabled him to make this amazing attachment to my parents but meanwhile, we (his loving parents who care for him every day) are still working to gain access to the locked parts of our little boy's heart. Are we sad or jealous? No, absolutely not! We are thrilled that Button has a great relationship with both my parents and the Duchess. Do I wish that when Button had met us in Thailand he had been able to react to us with this instantaneous kismet love in the same way he reacts to my parents? UM....YEAH! That would have been amazing not to mention about a million times easier. But that is very rarely the way toddler adoption works - especially when the children are grieving for loving foster parents who they think are their parents.

There are no instant fixes and there is no activity, purchased item or therapy that can cause a relationship to grow when a child needs time. All we can do is give them love and patience and accept their grief. We need to give ourselves a lot of love and patience too because this is an amazing and strenuous new relationship that has taken over our lives. Attachment whether it be fast, slow, obvious, hidden or inexplicable is a mystery of the heart.

--Rosemary

Button Eats

One of Button's favorite words is eat! He says it in Thai "mum, mum, mum" and just recently he has proudly started shouting "EAT!" while motioning to his mouth. But the fact remains that no matter what language he is saying it in and, pretty much no matter what he is actually consuming, the boy loves his food!

Once we switched him from fortified formula to milk and then once we were able to cut him back to the recommended 16 to 24 oz of milk a day for a 19-month-old child instead of the 64 oz a day he was consuming when we met him he started eating like a linebacker. Button now takes a milk bottle (8 oz) with his afternoon nap and another when he goes to bed at night, and a mini-bottle (6 oz) when he wakes up at 5 am. Outside of his milk, which he still calls "nahm", what is Button eating though? Well, I'm glad you asked.

Mushrooms and peas are his favorite thing on earth, he also likes zuccini, avocado, brussels sprouts, squash, potatoes, and onions. He will NOT eat broccoli or carrots though.

He loves fish of all kinds! Fish and rice is probably his favorite meal. He will eat small bites of pork depending on how it's been cooked. He does not like chicken except fried chicken still on the bone. We suspect he just enjoys holding the chicken leg. He is not really a meat eater in general. He prefers rice, veggies and fish, which my friend Jutiporn says is a more typical diet for a small child in Thailand.

He loves almost all fruits. Papaya remains his favorite though. He loves bananas but he won't eat the large bananas available here in the US. I can't say that I blame him considering how much sweeter the little ones in Thailand are. However, if I can find the "baby bananas" that Dole sometimes offers he will eat those. He loves grapes, oranges, mango, raisins, watermelon, and pears. He does not like kiwi, apples or pineapple.

He loves to eat sandwiches probably because he can hold them himself. His favorites are tuna, egg salad or Morning Star Chick Patties Veggie substitute (meatless). He loves pasta dishes of all kinds as long as the sauce is simple and not too gloppy. For breakfast he usually eats oatmeal or grits and some fruit. His favorite snacks are: turkey sausage links, hard boiled eggs, fruit, crackers and hummus, nuts, peanut butter crackers, and cottage cheese. He does not care very much for most dairy though: real cheese and yogurt are no shows. We are trying to keep Button off sugar because, trust us, this kid does not need stimulants but we do let him have a little bread and jam after dinner. We were surprised to discover that Button loves breads of all varieties!

We haven't been eating out much but when we have he has loved the dumpling shop in town, the Himalayan Fusion buffet and, of course, our local Thai restaurant. We haven't yet ventured into any "American style" food offerings with him.

When it comes to food we have no complaints. Button is a champion eater - he will even eat our spinach lasagna. I have to admit though...we met our waterloo at eggplant.

--Rosemary

Potty Trained?

All about the potty training:

I wanted to do a post on this because a lot of people have had questions about the subject and I know that I myself was very curious/worried about where Button would be in the process before we traveled so I wanted to make sure I gave details for families coming behind.

Button was 18-months-old when we brought him home and he was NOT in any way potty trained. His foster family's form of waist management for Button was, when at home, for him to "go" wherever he went and then they just cleaned it up. Because they had a simple plank-floor home with very few possessions this may have posed less of a problem than we would imagine. When away from home he wore a cloth or disposable diaper. Due to this, Button rarely wore pants when at home, but usually a long shirt or a t-shirt and loose shorts. This method is a common, culturally accepted, part of childrearing in Thailand (and many other countries).

Some adoptive families don't want to talk about this because they don't want their children (and foster families) to be judged by small minded people (understandable) but I feel comfortable just saying this is one thing that is done differently in a different culture and it is perfectly acceptable. Americans don't do it that way, and I am happy about that, but it's ok that Thai society is more comfortable with body function. A superior attitude might be simple to feel but it's healthy to remember that we are one of the few countries with the money and resources to diaper our children 24-hours a day.

Button is much more conscious of his body functions that the average American diaper trained child of his age probably due to actually having been able to feel himself going to the bathroom for the last 18 months. When he does his business he tells us ASAP and then when I ask, "Do you want Mommy to change your diaper?" he will shake his head yes. So while he is not potty trained he is aware of his bowel function and I am trying to keep him from loosing that awareness with all of our plastic sterility. I have hopes (naive though they may be) that this will aid in our eventual potty training.

The other thing I will say is that when we first met Button we accomplished a diaper change under the watchful eye of his social worker, the amazing Mo, in our hotel room. He was placid as a summer lake. I thought, "Fantastic! No problem! The kid doesn't mind diaper changes!" The thing was that as long as diaper changes remained infrequent they were kind of a novelty. So that was cool. When Button realized that he would be wearing said diaper all the time and there would be no more peeing on the floor and these diaper changes would occur regularly every two hours he sort of went berzerk. For the next 3 weeks diaper changes were a fight to the finish. Now we pretty much have it under control but for a while there it was American Gladiator in the nursery.

--Rosemary