Who Are You?

This morning I was thinking about our Button and wondering who he is. What sort of little boy is he? What amazing genetic traits is he carrying passed, from a long line of ancestors, into his person through his biological parents? When we meet him will we find that his temperament is similar to Brian or me? Or will we find that he is a brand new personality that our family has never had before? Is he an athlete (that would be something new for sure) or is he an artist? I can hardly wait to find out! I love the surprise inherit in this part of the adoption process. If we were expecting a biological child, no matter how hard we tried, we probably wouldn't be able to resist putting some kind of expectation on this child we made. We might expect it to be as smart as Brian or as funny as me or just gosh-darned gorgeous because my grandmother was a real knock-out back in her day. We all know we're not supposed to do that to kids but the impulse is so strong!

I'm truly excited about the opportunity that adoption affords us to simply see our child as a whole person growing stronger every day. No labels no expectations. I don't know who our Button is meant to be but whoever that person is I believe in him. I believe in all his dreams, all his passions and all his struggles because they are his to own. He doesn't have to be similar or dissimilar to anyone I have ever known in order to be understood. He is an individual in a million tiny ways and he is my son. I can't wait to get to know him.

--Rosemary

What Cheeses My Grits - Part 2

After yesterday's diatribe many of you may be more than a little anxious to even look at this post but I hope I've planned it well. I am actually aware that I can be a little...er, um..."vocal" when I get upset so I thought that today I might share an excerpt from someone else on the subject of "adoption as ministry". She feels much the same way as I do (and many of you out there) and she has a bit of a unique perspective. She also has a very gentle voice and sweet communication that touches me. As you have all realized by now, I'm more than a bit of a scrapper so I appreciate people like my wonderful husband, and this sweet lady, who have the gift of grace, grace, unending grace. I am working on it, but after all, somebody has to fight city hall. ;-0

I don't know Marla but I was introduced to her blog Coffee Shop Journal through some very dear mutual friends. The following is shared (with permission) from a post she wrote last week:

"My family is a divine huddle that God pulled together. Except for my husband, David, every one of us is adopted. I’m adopted, my two daughters were adopted at two days old, and all the glorious extras that populate our home and our lives feel adopted!

I remember back when the girls were smaller I’d once in a while run into a well-meaning but odd soul who would say something like “It’s such a wonderful ministry you are doing, giving those little girls a home.” I’m a polite person, so I’d usually say something in return such as “Well they sure bring sunshine to our house.” Occasionally I’d be having a bad day and comment “They’re actually going back on the market…interested?” We’d laugh, and I’d go on my way. But the comment never made any sense to me. Kylie and Jillian aren’t a ministry, they are my daughters! Once you are family, it’s just all about the relationship, as it is in any family.

The other day I realized that all relationships are really like that. Once you open your heart and your life to a person, it doesn’t feel like ministry any more. It feels like friendship. And friendship is what carries you over the rough patches of life. Friendship is what says, “OK, you messed up yet again but I love you anyway. So what’s next?” I think sometimes I’m guilty of segregating the relationships in my life: I’ll adopt you into my life, but you over there, you’re a ministry. Jeremy, my favorite barista at the coffee shop where I like to hang out, is moving on to another part off the state soon. I’m really, really sad to lose that nearly daily interaction with someone who’s so passionate for the kingdom. David and I will be sad to see our friend leave. In his place comes a new barista, one I haven’t met. Jeremy says we’ll love him. I realized that over this past year Jeremy has moved from being “a guy in the community” to being our friend. Now it’s time to open up that door again.

Life isn’t about networking and contacts and ministry. It’s about adoption."

Peace to all,

-- Rosemary

What Cheeses My Grits - Part 1

As this title suggests, today I'm going to talk about something that really irks me. People who talk about the children they are adopting, are going to adopt in the future, or have adopted as if they are performing a charitable work. And when I say it irritates me, trust me, I'm being polite because it royally jellies my doughnut! Whenever Brian and I run into these people, and it inevitably happens all too often, he knows that as soon as we escape their presence I'm going to rant and rave for ages. In case I haven't mentioned it lately - Brian is a saint for putting up with my good Irish temper.

What in the world causes people to think that adoption is an acceptable form of "ministry"? The only reason to adopt a child is because the adult has a burning desire to parent a child, or that specific child, if the case is known to them. Every child deserves to have parents who are overjoyed with the opportunity to have them as a member of the family. That statement should go doubly for adopted kids who have already lost so much. The idea of any of them being received out of some sense of "christian duty" like a Victorian novel or a bad scene from Orphan Train is just heartbreaking. Not to mention tacky. It's so incredibly tacky when I hear these people talking about their child - a human being - as if he or she were an after school project. Have they no shame??

I recently got into an email "discussion" with a gentleman, and adoptive parent, who is running a website where he is urging people to "consider doing more than just child sponsorship - instead see if you can't find room in your life for the adoption of a needy orphan." This is all the sort of rhetoric that truly bothers me. If people aren't thrilled by the idea of parenting (again or for the first time) then it is heinous to manipulate them into feeling some level of guilt over not adopting a child. That is not the way a family should be formed!! Those are not the parents these kids should be receiving. There are lots of fantastic programs that we can all get involved in to help alleviate child and family suffering around the globe and that is a much better way to contribute unless you truly want to parent adoptively.

So yea, it makes me mad when I see people who have been blessed to have a child in their home and do the hard work of parenting and yet they seem incapable of realizing that this opportunity is stripped away from people everyday for no other reason than poverty, governmental upheaval or poor health. We are all so lucky to be adoptive parents with some sort of resources and some level of good health (or else we wouldn't have been approved) in this beautifully stable country. Adopting a child doesn't make us good people it makes us all lucky as hell.

--Rosemary

Aw Shucks, You Guys

Just a quick note to say, "To whom it may concern, thank you very much."
I don't know how these things are handled or who may be responsible but a while ago I noticed we were getting a bit of site traffic from the Adoptive Families website. As time passed we noticed that traffic growing so I finally made an effort to check it out (I'm not very net-savvy as you can tell). Anyway, it would appear that we are now listed as one of the Adoptive Families Blogs We Love in the Asia section on their very fun and comprehensive blogroll.

So if you nominated us then - "Thanks!" It made me feel warm and fuzzy. ;-)
- Rosemary

Where have I been?

OK, this post is going to be brief because I am writing it illegally from the lobby of a very nice hotel with a business center. I am not staying at this very nice hotel. I am staying a rather dodgy hotel with no business center. The desk attendant at this hotel keeps eyeing me suspiciously so I'm going to make it fast.

I am finally in Va. However, I am not in our house. I also do not have any of our possesions or my husband. They will arrive this afternoon in a moving van from New York along with our heavily medicated cat. I am leaving to pick up my wonderful helpful parents at the airport in a few minutes. We are so grateful that they are staying for a few days to help us get all moved in!

So where have I been for the past 2 weeks? Well, mostly consumed with packing our house in NYC but also just unavailable via internet because we got our cable wifi turned off too early and now it would appear rather unluckily that it is the only utility we are having trouble getting turned on here in VA so we will continue to be without internet for several more days. Yes, I am in serious withdrawals!! And can you even believe this happened to me during June referrals? Girls, if you get a referral please leave me a comment and tell me because at least that will show up on my blackberry and then I will know!! Terri, that means you!

I also have to tell you guys this last piece of news because I swear to God you're never going to believe it. You want to know the definition of irony? I had to go to Florida to pick up the car we bought and do sme work at our main office. Then my best friend drove me to VA from there because I have epilepsy and am not allowed to drive long distances. As soon, as we pulled into the hotel here in VA she suffered a massive grand mal seizure and we spent the first 12 hours we were here in the emergency room. It has been a very trying and stressful week! Please pray for my best friend's health, diagnosis and medical care! She is in my thoughts at all times right now.

Love to all,
Roses

Schedule? What schedule?

When we first started the adoption we thought that we should focus our research on adoption related stuff until we got our referral and then after the referral came in we would move on and do more of that "What to Expect in Your First Year" type of reading. We had already done a fair amount of research before we even started our home study but in the many months since then we've been able to read a lot of books, blogs and articles on attachment and bonding, primal wound theory, being an interracial family, and developing a healthy relationship with our kid's biological families. As you can probably all tell by now, I'm a type A, super-organized, virgo, little miss bossy-butt. One of my donors once said, "Rosemary, you really need to have a baby or you will become a super monster of efficiency." I took that as a compliment.

Well, the joke is on me because Button is already completely ignoring my schedules and letting me know that life will be different as a parent. I woke up this morning literally in a cold sweat convinced that I knew nothing about how to raise a child. How were we even going to keep him alive? Bri had already left for work and I wandered into the kitchen, opened the fridge and stared at the contents thinking, "I have no idea which of these food items are appropriate to feed a toddler! Deviled eggs? Pasta salad? Pickled asparagus?" It was as if I had completely forgotten that I might consider buying food especially for a toddler. Then I sort of stumbled around the house, still in my pj's with crazy bed head, observing our half-packed home full of boxes and bubble wrap and thought, "This place is a death trap! I don't know the first thing about baby-proofing. Why did I ever think I knew anything? I need to hire a professional!"


So now, months before we are expecting a referral and well before I had planned on it, we are proudly expecting a big shipment of parenting, baby-proofing, nutrition, and toddler wisdom books from Amazon. Apparently the Mommy-me does not work on a sensible schedule as well as the Rosemary-me does. Hmmmm.... Score Card: Button-1 Mommy-0

- Rosemary

Brain Cloud

Well, I have to admit I am having a hard time finding stuff to blog about lately. It's not that I don't have all sorts of deep (and shallow) thoughts about our adoption every hour of the day but in the last couple of weeks I just seem to be having a hard time expressing myself. I guess it's a combination of the moving stress (our house has been in boxes for weeks and I am working off the coffee table) and the upcoming June referrals.

Why does referral month always send me into such a tizzy? It is far too early for us to get a call so it's not that I'm going through the crazy tension of waiting for the phone to ring. I think it's more like being at a surprise party. You may be enjoying yourself chatting with the other guests but everyone knows the party hasn't really started until the guest of honor arrives. I just feel keyed up waiting to see how far we'll move up the line and who will get matched with their child and what wonderful families are going to be created!! I'm so excited for our fellow PAP's who I know are waiting for phone calls and I can't wait to hear their stories: DETAILS, GIRLS, DETAILS!!

So anyway, I guess I'll try to come up with some sort of real posting for this blog in the next couple of days but for now I seem to have some sort of summer heat/referral month/moving induced brain cloud. Be patient with me.

- Rosemary