We designed this site in order to keep in touch with friends and family who are far away and in order to communicate with other adoptive families from around the world.

When we first started researching this wonderful way to become a family we read everything we could get our hands on. Even though there are a lot of great books out there, nothing was as informative or touching as the blogs we found by adoptees, biological parents, and adoptive families. So we are writing this blog now in hopes of returning the favor. We hope that if you are dear to us you will enjoy keeping up with our adventures. If you are someone out there involved in a part of the adoption triad we hope you will find information and comfort here and provide us with some of your own!

If you would like to get in touch with us we can be reached at:
Feel free to stop by anytime. We're happy to share our family story.

Take care,
Brian and Rosemary

Monday, February 9, 2009

Blogs, Blogs, Blogs

As many of you know, I am a blog addict.  Especially adoption blogs.  Of course, like pre-adoptive parents everywhere, I love to read the sweet "bringing baby home" blogs that give off that great endorphin high.  But I've also developed a real penchant for the darker stories.  The true tales from biological families and adult adoptees who have something to say about their lives.  Before you quit reading or write this off by saying, "Well Rosemary must be made of sterner stuff than I.  Those stories are just too difficult for me."  Please, let me finish.  It was not always this way!  When Bri and I first started our adoption research we were wide eyed and bushy-tailed like everybody else. Full of optimism and convinced that adoption was nothing more or less than a thing of beauty.

However, we are both deeply analytical people and before long we started to fiddle with that emotional Rubik's Cube.  After a couple of twists nothing matched up anymore.  Then we almost decided not to adopt.  I no longer wanted cute little stories about bringing home baby.  I wanted someone to tell me about the other side because this is one of the unarguable truths of life: every view has an opposite horizon.  That's when I found Third Moms Blogroll and she introduced me to a lot of intelligent people who were all writing about their side of the Rubik's Cube.  I immersed myself in anti-adoption blogs, forgotten first mothers, baby-scoop-era botched adoptions, and the frustrated, adult-adoptees of transracial families gone awry. 

There were times when I sat in front of the computer and cried for hours.  There were days when Brian came home from work, closed my laptop and said, "That's enough."  Our adoption decision remained on ice as we worked our way through a lot of new information.  It was not information that had been packaged by a social worker for "adoptive parent training".  It was raw, unfettered and not really meant for our consumption.  Blogs, unless otherwise stated, are simply writing exercises for the purpose of helping the person writing to feel better.  Nothing is creepier to me than adoptive parents who go on blogs, where people who have a personal experience with adoption are discussing their own reality, and then try to argue with them about the life that is theirs to own.  Isn't that the definition of truth silencing? But I did read and learn and allow myself to be changed.  Sometimes I argued with the screen. Sometimes I let go of my own silly, little dreams of how my family would act or look. Sometimes I nodded my head in vehement agreement and then read aloud to Brian or the dog.
Four months later we decided to go ahead with adoption.  Everything had changed though: our adoption plans, our parenting plans, our vocabulary, our social and political opinions, and most of all our hearts and minds for the experience of adoption - as it feels for our children the people being adopted - had changed.

If you are also a PAP and you haven't yet really waded into the pool of "the other side" please consider respectfully learning from them.  They have so much to teach us about what our children and their first families may feel in the course of the adoptions we are all equally involved in.  There is so much to be learned about how we can create the best families possible. We all know that there is no manual for parenting but adoptee blogs have become my CliffsNotes.  What is the good in having someone tell us comfortable lies while we starve to death?  I would much rather hear unpleasant truths that will feed my family.
So this is a THANK YOU to all the brave first families, adult adoptees and outspoken adoptive parents who have gone ahead and now share their stories with all of us!  Thank you for giving us a fighting chance at being more understanding parents.  Thank you for scaring us to death and then reminding us that it's worth it.

 - Rosemary


Anonymous said...

"Thank you for scaring us to death and then reminding us that it's worth it."

LOL. That actually sounds kinda funny, even though I know what you mean by it.

BTW, don't think of them as anti-adoption - think of them as pro-reform. Oh, and pro-family reservation.

rosemary said...

Thanks for stopping by and leaving a comment. I love your blog!

I don't think of pro-reform or pro-family blogs as anti-adoption because most of them aren't. They have their own particular slant on the situation that is truly valuable! However, there are some people and groups out there with a published position that is publicly "anti-adoption" so I want to respect them by using the qualifier they have asked us to use.

Anonymous said...

Gah, that should have said "pro-family Preservation."

Heh heh... oh well, still sounds like the same thing.

Thanks for the compliment. And yes.. there are actually a few blogs I can think of that have explicitly stated they are anti-adoption and find it unneccessary.

blackbelt said...

I know that no matter what, you and Brian will now be better APs. Planning and figuring out ahead is way better than the deer in the headlight thing I had. I didn't get run over, thankfully because of some great friends God sent me.

Maci Miller said...

Hey, Rosemary! I'm alive! Thanks for your well wishes. I am finally feeling better.

Interesting post...not sure how I feel about this one, but as usual, I am impressed by your openess to learn, and your way of scratching the surface to find deeper meaning. I am a blog addict, too, but I have to admit I prefer the lighter reads. The warm & fuzzy stories that are getting me through this long, hard wait. I agree with you about educating ourselves on the WHOLE subject, not just the rosey picture. I have read a good many books this past year and the ones from adult adoptee perspectives were sometimes scary, but also helpful and eye opening.

rosemary said...

Glad to hear you're feeling better. Obviously, my path isn't for everyone, it's just something to consider. BTW - You always recommend the best books!

Dawn said...

Wow, that was a GREAT post!! So glad I found it!!!!

Wyndee said...

What a great post! Very thought-provoking. Becoming a mom is painful--- doesn't matter if you give birth yourself or adopt. Delivery still hurts. ;-)