Becoming A Family

Still here

2010-06-09T13:25:00.003-04:00

We have not dropped off the face of the earth. I just had to take a little leave of absence from blogging with everything we've had going on in the past month. My health hit a few tiny stumbling blocks so Button and I made a trip out to Tulsa to stay with my folks for a little while and that kept a us quite busy in a wonderful way. Then we finally made the decision to move to Oregon in July for Brian's work so as you can imagine that has thrown our whole household into chaos!! Plus, I have been busy with my own work and then Button himself keeps us running, running, RUNNING.

I did want to share briefly with everyone in blogland that Button and Mamma continue to bond more and more everyday. The pattern we see is "2 steps forward, 1 step back". If we have several days of hugs and kisses and very few tantrums then it will surely be followed by a big, bad, horrible day of endless fits and hitting. However, the overall picture is one of progress and bonding. We are very proud of him and hopeful for the future.

I also wanted to mention our trip to Tulsa because I know a lot of people wonder about the "when and how" of traveling with their newly adopted children. We made this trip after Button had been home for 3 months. We went to Tulsa without Brian because he couldn't come and we needed to go. There were not any other options - it was as simple as that. If we could have avoided breaking up our little family unit for 8 days I would have. I was with Button every second and he adores his grandparents. However, he cried frequently for Daddy (and the cat) and he slept poorly at night and nap-time. He also FREAKED OUT on the plane and the less said about that the better. I am pretty sure he remembered air-travel, much to my dismay.

The things that seemed to help the most during the trip were keeping his routine and food as much the same as possible, taking his security objects, and skyping with Daddy once or twice a day. Now that we are home though he is doing great with the exception that he calls constantly for his "GAI GAI, BOPA" (my parents) and seems very frustrated that we don't all just get with the program and move into the same house.

--Rosemary

Button and Mamma pt. 2

2010-05-13T13:30:00.004-04:00

After yesterday's stark post about bonding with a traumatized child allow me to offer some hope today. Yes, it does get better. Slowly. Very slowly. I also want to make sure that I put out this disclaimer since I am talking about a very personal thing in such a public forum: "I am neither feeling sorry for myself nor feeling bad about my son. Button is the most amazing little boy on earth and I couldn't love any other child any more. There is nothing about him I want to change. I simply long for the day when our relationship gives him the peace and comfort he needs."

We have had Button now for 10 weeks and both Brian and I can change his diaper with equal amounts of ease. He shows no preference for one of us to do the task over the other. This took a month.

We can both put him to sleep and he actually shows a preference for ME at bedtime and naptime!! Can I just tell you what it does for the bleeding, shreds of my heart when Brian comes down after a bedtime struggle with Button and says, "I don't know how you manage to get him to fall asleep in under 15 minutes!" And he falls asleep, face to face, with my arms around him. This took at least 5-6 weeks.

The feeding thing has almost resolved itself too. When I am alone with him (most of the time) I can usually feed him his meals without a hitch but if Dad is home things can get more complicated. He will almost always demand Dad if possible and then throw fits in the middle of the meal about odd things. That may not be adoption related as much as "terrible two's" behavior though. Hard to know.

There were two interesting things that happened that let me know we were making real progress in bonding and, even though this post is getting long, I want to share them with you because I think they are an excellent picture of the bleak realities of a non-bonding child. I tried to imagine what this would be like before it happened to me and I tell you - I could not wrap my mind around it.

The first thing that happened was that Button has this little mantra he says to himself, on and off all day, as he plays. He sort of chants his people's names. I think it's a comfort mechanism. Anyway, he would say, "Bopa, Gaigai, Dada" over and over again while stacking blocks or doing any quiet activity. At about the 7 week mark I suddenly heard him say, "Bopa, Gaigai, Dada, Mamma." I had been added to his list of comfort names. Now he always chants me in with the group. Trust me, it's a big deal.

The second thing was that about 2 weeks ago, Button woke up from his nap and I got him out of bed and carried him into our wouldbig chair for "book time" like we do every day. As we walked along I realized that something was different. At first I couldn't identify it but then I realized that Button had snuggled against me koala style with his hands around my neck, head on my shoulder and legs wrapped around my waiste. Yes, I carry Button constantly and have done so for more than 2 months, but unless he was passed out cold that child has never snuggled against me. He holds his body away from me, rigidly, making it so heavy and difficult to carry him but he demands to be carried none-the-less.

I stood in our hallway holding him and cried. It was such a small thing and it felt so huge to me. My tears made me feel so pathetic, like I was desperate for love or something. Since that time Button seems to have decided that he can perform this "koala snuggle" with me safely and he will now do it once or twice a day and then pull back, look into my face searchingly and smile. Once though, he looked at me very seriously and then slapped me hard. He is working so hard to find safety that it breaks my heart for him. And, yes, a little for me too.

--Rosemary

Button and Mamma pt. 1

2010-05-12T13:11:00.003-04:00

In "Toddler Adoption: the Weaver's Craft" it tells us that 75% of toddler's adopted bond first with their father while rejecting their mother to some degree. This may be for a variety of reasons - scary female caregivers at orphanages, a tight bond with a foster mother or suffering from the primal wound of infant loss of their biological mother but whatever the reason they are slow to find room in their hearts for Mom.

And yet, pouring over adoption blogs for the past 2 years I never really found very many that reported stories like this. Hmmm... could it be that we are embarrassed? That the "super mommy" myths and the stroller derby that is modern parenting has forced us into some kind of self-imposed silence? Yea, I think that's possible but whatever people's personal reasons are for not sharing I totally respect that but I am going to talk about our bonding struggles on this blog. I want Button to have the story later and I also want any other moms struggling with this to know they're not alone.

When we first met Button he seemed to "like" us both ok. But he obviously thought Brian was wicked fun for all the dude reasons: wrestling, ball playing, truck sound effects, etc. It wasn't that I didn't do those things with him but I just didn't do them as well as Daddy. Testosterone deficient. Then, while we were still in Thailand, that preference seemed to suddenly turn into a dislike for me. I can't begin to tell you how unlucky it was that Brian was sick they day of the "child transfer." After he officially became ours Button really seemed to feel that everything he was experiencing was my fault. If Brian left the room he just freaked out. Only Brian could get him to sleep, bathe him, or make him laugh. If I could explain to you my level of discouragement at that time I would. But I'll just let your imagination go to work.

Once we got home, he did a little better in fits and starts. He would let me feed him at one meal and then, at the next meal, throw food at me and hit his tray screaming until Brian took over. He would allow Brian to hold and sway him to sleep but when I did nap/bedtime he would just scream and point at the bed until I would lie him down and then he would just roll away from me and cry himself to sleep.

He was happy to let me entertain him though. I could play blocks with him, take him on walks, push him in his car, read to him. I was a great "clown" but as soon as I tried to be a caregiver he started to show great ANGER and really tried to exert toddler rejection. He hated having his diaper changed by anyone but when Mommy did it it was an unbelievably violent exchange. Sometimes he would lie still and smile at me until I cautiously moved close to him then he would kick sideways, directly into my stomach, with all his might while screaming and laughing.

Button is much too active for the Ergo and we pretty much figured from the second we met him that it was going to be a no-go but we valiantly tried it a couple of times to see if he would adjust. He allowed Brian to ride him around the yard a few times before screaming to get down. The one time we put him in the ergo while I wore it he pulled my hair and bit my neck so hard I cried.

How does it feel to wait for years to be a mom and then find out your child wants nothing to do with you? Oh it feels terrible! I won't sugar coat it. It's the most discouraging, depressing, debilitating emotion I've ever felt. Especially when I see him giving love so freely to his dad and grandparents.

Button and I have already come a long way and I am going to talk about that in some additional posts on this subject but for now I will say that if this is happening to you or if you are a pre-adoptive parent and you experience this in the future: "Hang in there! You are a good mom (or dad) and I think you're great!"

--Rosemary.

My First Mother's Day

2010-05-10T13:04:00.006-04:00

May 9, 2010 was my first Mother's Day and I will always remember it. Brian and Button let me sleep for ages and finally woke me with a sweet breakfast in bed and loving cards. French toast with peach preserves! Button was so adorable. He couldn't believe that Daddy was bringing food upstairs and that we were sitting in the bed eating it. Naturally, he thought it was all a giant treat for him! Who could blame him? Everything we do is a treat for him! I couldn't have loved anything more than having that happy, laughing little boy sitting in my lap being fed french toast though. Brian was on call so he had to spend most of the day at the hospital but once he got home he made sure to let me "off duty" and I got to spend the rest of the afternoon reading and chatting on the phone. It was such a delightful rest!

I did think of Button's other mother. Several times in fact. My heart sent her loving gratitude as I watched my son play in the yard on this very special day. But we didn't talk about her. We've decided that we're going to just celebrate the ways we parent Button on American Mother (and Father's) Day. We are going to do a separate celebration of all the ways Button's first family is important on Thai Mother's and Father's Day. I don't know if that is a good or bad idea but adoption always has so many elements of loss and love mixed together and we want to try to sort them out as much as possible so that all of us, especially our children, can truly find the joy and also mourn what's gone.

I had a wonderful day and I couldn't have loved anything or anyone more. Thank you, Brian, for being my perfect husband and thank you, Button, for being our just right little boy! I'm grateful to be a mom.

--Rosemary

Button Talks

2010-05-07T08:00:00.001-04:00

Lat week I talked about the incredible healing power that language is having in our family. But I know that many of you adoptive and especially pre-adoptive families are wanting the specifics. It has been two months since we met Button and only 6 weeks in America so what exactly does Button say and understand? OK, here goes:

We feel pretty confident that he understands almost everything we say to him now. If I notice he isn't responding or he seems angry I will get down and make direct eye-contact, slow my speech and try to simplify whatever I am saying. If that doesn't correct the attitude problem then it usually isn't language related. He doesn't seem to be grasping abstract feeling words yet though. For instance, even though we say "I love you" a million times a day he doesn't seem to know that it means anything. We even say it in Thai and try to act it out by saying it to each other and giving hugs and kisses. I say it to the cat with a big funny hug that he loves! My parents say it on skype and touch their hearts. He will mimic all the motions but his eyes have that blank look I have learned to recognize and he never repeats the sounds. We did have one "abstract" breakthrough though. He learned what "hurt" means. He was pulling and pulling on his teeth and I kept talking to him about "hurt teeth" and suddenly I saw the light go on. Now he points at the orajel and his teeth and screams "hurt!"

He says lots of nouns but like most children his age he can't really say compound consonants so truck, train and trash all basically sound like slight variations of "tuck" but he applies the noise to the object in question at the time so we know he gets it. He says: car, egg, milk, cup, dog, book, ball, duck, socks, pants, shoes, toes, bread, keys, teeth, hair, hat.

His verbs are pretty limited. He screams "eat" like a guest star at Medieval Times so we're pretty sure that's his favorite word. He says, "a walk" to mean "let's go", or "I want to leave this place" or "take me outside". So it's sort of a verb/command/all purpose wish for him. He also says "play" and "bath." His baths are definitely an activity so I'm putting that on the verb list.

His proper nouns are limited to: Mama, Dada, Bopa, Gaigai and Gilbert (the cat) who he screams for frequently by shouting "Baber." The cat does not respond. Oh he also calls Elmo "Lalala" because of his stupid song. So I guess that's another proper noun... unfortunately.

He has no adjectives yet except for "wow" and "ah-oh" but he says them so cutely that I am pretty sure he can get through life with just those.

His sound effects are developing well too (an integral part of the healthy toddler brain). He cannot whistle but he makes a fake whistle sound when we whistle. Yep, it's cute! He makes about 10 different animal noises which he can match correctly to the named animal!! He makes a honk noise when he drives the little car Duchess bought for him. He makes a vroom noise for the truck and a "choo-choo" for the train. Neither of these sound right but he is working on it!

We are so proud of our Button-Boy who is working incredibly hard to communicate with us!

--Rosemary

Language

2010-05-06T12:59:00.002-04:00

It has been 2 months since we met Button and I can say, without a doubt, that the number one change is language. Button's ability to understand what we are saying has decreased his anger and frustration level by about 75% and his ability to communicate his simple toddler needs has raised his trust in us a huge extent. He tells us what he wants i.e. cup and then we give it to him = he feels he can trust us to provide for him. You might be thinking that is a ridiculous oversimplification of relationship. Well, of course, it's not everything - not even close - but like I said before language has brought the single most powerful change we've seen so far.

For instance, 1 month ago a scenario would play out where he would start screaming suddenly and for no discernable reason. I would ask over and over what he wanted. I would volunteer objects. I would carefully check the big 3: tired, hungry, wet. If I didn't get lucky and happen upon the desired item (one time it was a tiny plastic cat sitting in a high windowsill) after kicking and hitting attempts, he would simply scream himself out. Now just a month later, he can easily just tell me what he wants but if he gets too hungry and starts to head down this road I say,"Button can you point to what you want?" He will then point at the object. If it is a word he knows like "truck" I will say, "Can you ask nicely for that truck?" and he will say, "Peas tuck." If it is a new word we will practice that word once and then he can play with the item.

His ability to express himself and to understand us has released so much fear from our beautiful little boy. Don't get too excited here, but sometimes he will even play with his car in the hallway and allow me to go into the potty-room alone...if I leave the door open and if I sing the whole time. Baby steps, folks, baby steps.

--Rosemary

Bopa and GaiGai

2010-04-28T14:13:00.001-04:00

Attachment and bonding is a funny thing. So many books have been written on it that I don't even want to think about it and yet it's still such a mystery. We are told so many things to do "right" to help aid the attachment process: parent facing strollers, child slings, co-sleeping, parent care instead of daycare when possible, time-ins instead of time-outs, feeding them instead of allowing them to feed themselves, massage, and constant eye contact.

That's quite a list of "correct parenting" pressure and that doesn't even begin to touch all the other regular parenting stuff. That's just the attachment and bonding stuff. And that's just some of it. And oh yeah, all of that effort doesn't guarantee anything, because attachment is a mystery. Yes, we need to do all that we can to help our kids through this very difficult period but we also have to just do the best we can and cut ourselves some slack.

Skeptical? Allow me to tell you the story of Bopa and GaiGai.

Bopa and GaiGai would be my parents, Button's grandparents. They arrived for a visit about 10 days after we came home to America and stayed about 4 days. The second Button met Gai Gai they had a gentle, pleasant communication. No strife. If Gai Gai said no then he just accepted that and moved on. If Mommy says no there is hell to pay. If Gai Gai changed his diaper it rarely turned into a bloodsport whereas, in those days, if Mommy did it there was carnage. Then there is Bopa. The whole world stopped turning for Button the second Bopa walked through the door. It was as if his favorite person ever, who he had known always, suddenly showed up to rescue him. Dare I say it? Bopa was more popular even than Daddy. Yes, it's true! Now my Dad has always been sort of a pied piper with little kids. I would not hesitate to say that all children like my dad and his 6 grandkids adore him...but this was RIDICULOUS!

It has been more than a month since my parents left town and Button asks for them daily. When he picks up his toy phone he calls "Bopa, Gai-Gai, Bopa". If he gets mad at us (frequently) he runs to the door and calls "Bopa" as if Grandpa is going to come and rescue him. Last week we took him for a picnic and he had a lovely afternoon out. Running and playing all day! Naturally, he was upset to go home so you can bet as soon as we put him in his car seat he started screaming for "BOPA, BOPA, BOPA!"

Then several days ago, I took him to the Best Buy to get a Sesame Street DVD and as we walked out there was an older couple who actually looked a great deal like my parents. Button went nuts waving his arms and calling to them "Bopa, Gai-Gai". Before I could stop him he raced over and hugged the woman's legs. When he looked up and saw it wasn't the right face he started screaming in terror and we had a full scale meltdown all the way home.

We don't know what enabled him to make this amazing attachment to my parents but meanwhile, we (his loving parents who care for him every day) are still working to gain access to the locked parts of our little boy's heart. Are we sad or jealous? No, absolutely not! We are thrilled that Button has a great relationship with both my parents and the Duchess. Do I wish that when Button had met us in Thailand he had been able to react to us with this instantaneous kismet love in the same way he reacts to my parents? UM....YEAH! That would have been amazing not to mention about a million times easier. But that is very rarely the way toddler adoption works - especially when the children are grieving for loving foster parents who they think are their parents.

There are no instant fixes and there is no activity, purchased item or therapy that can cause a relationship to grow when a child needs time. All we can do is give them love and patience and accept their grief. We need to give ourselves a lot of love and patience too because this is an amazing and strenuous new relationship that has taken over our lives. Attachment whether it be fast, slow, obvious, hidden or inexplicable is a mystery of the heart.

--Rosemary

Button Eats

2010-04-19T19:40:00.008-04:00

One of Button's favorite words is eat! He says it in Thai "mum, mum, mum" and just recently he has proudly started shouting "EAT!" while motioning to his mouth. But the fact remains that no matter what language he is saying it in and, pretty much no matter what he is actually consuming, the boy loves his food!

Once we switched him from fortified formula to milk and then once we were able to cut him back to the recommended 16 to 24 oz of milk a day for a 19-month-old child instead of the 64 oz a day he was consuming when we met him he started eating like a linebacker. Button now takes a milk bottle (8 oz) with his afternoon nap and another when he goes to bed at night, and a mini-bottle (6 oz) when he wakes up at 5 am. Outside of his milk, which he still calls "nahm", what is Button eating though? Well, I'm glad you asked.

Mushrooms and peas are his favorite thing on earth, he also likes zuccini, avocado, brussels sprouts, squash, potatoes, and onions. He will NOT eat broccoli or carrots though.

He loves fish of all kinds! Fish and rice is probably his favorite meal. He will eat small bites of pork depending on how it's been cooked. He does not like chicken except fried chicken still on the bone. We suspect he just enjoys holding the chicken leg. He is not really a meat eater in general. He prefers rice, veggies and fish, which my friend Jutiporn says is a more typical diet for a small child in Thailand.

He loves almost all fruits. Papaya remains his favorite though. He loves bananas but he won't eat the large bananas available here in the US. I can't say that I blame him considering how much sweeter the little ones in Thailand are. However, if I can find the "baby bananas" that Dole sometimes offers he will eat those. He loves grapes, oranges, mango, raisins, watermelon, and pears. He does not like kiwi, apples or pineapple.

He loves to eat sandwiches probably because he can hold them himself. His favorites are tuna, egg salad or Morning Star Chick Patties Veggie substitute (meatless). He loves pasta dishes of all kinds as long as the sauce is simple and not too gloppy. For breakfast he usually eats oatmeal or grits and some fruit. His favorite snacks are: turkey sausage links, hard boiled eggs, fruit, crackers and hummus, nuts, peanut butter crackers, and cottage cheese. He does not care very much for most dairy though: real cheese and yogurt are no shows. We are trying to keep Button off sugar because, trust us, this kid does not need stimulants but we do let him have a little bread and jam after dinner. We were surprised to discover that Button loves breads of all varieties!

We haven't been eating out much but when we have he has loved the dumpling shop in town, the Himalayan Fusion buffet and, of course, our local Thai restaurant. We haven't yet ventured into any "American style" food offerings with him.

When it comes to food we have no complaints. Button is a champion eater - he will even eat our spinach lasagna. I have to admit though...we met our waterloo at eggplant.

--Rosemary

Potty Trained?

2010-04-14T08:00:00.005-04:00

All about the potty training:

I wanted to do a post on this because a lot of people have had questions about the subject and I know that I myself was very curious/worried about where Button would be in the process before we traveled so I wanted to make sure I gave details for families coming behind.

Button was 18-months-old when we brought him home and he was NOT in any way potty trained. His foster family's form of waist management for Button was, when at home, for him to "go" wherever he went and then they just cleaned it up. Because they had a simple plank-floor home with very few possessions this may have posed less of a problem than we would imagine. When away from home he wore a cloth or disposable diaper. Due to this, Button rarely wore pants when at home, but usually a long shirt or a t-shirt and loose shorts. This method is a common, culturally accepted, part of childrearing in Thailand (and many other countries).

Some adoptive families don't want to talk about this because they don't want their children (and foster families) to be judged by small minded people (understandable) but I feel comfortable just saying this is one thing that is done differently in a different culture and it is perfectly acceptable. Americans don't do it that way, and I am happy about that, but it's ok that Thai society is more comfortable with body function. A superior attitude might be simple to feel but it's healthy to remember that we are one of the few countries with the money and resources to diaper our children 24-hours a day.

Button is much more conscious of his body functions that the average American diaper trained child of his age probably due to actually having been able to feel himself going to the bathroom for the last 18 months. When he does his business he tells us ASAP and then when I ask, "Do you want Mommy to change your diaper?" he will shake his head yes. So while he is not potty trained he is aware of his bowel function and I am trying to keep him from loosing that awareness with all of our plastic sterility. I have hopes (naive though they may be) that this will aid in our eventual potty training.

The other thing I will say is that when we first met Button we accomplished a diaper change under the watchful eye of his social worker, the amazing Mo, in our hotel room. He was placid as a summer lake. I thought, "Fantastic! No problem! The kid doesn't mind diaper changes!" The thing was that as long as diaper changes remained infrequent they were kind of a novelty. So that was cool. When Button realized that he would be wearing said diaper all the time and there would be no more peeing on the floor and these diaper changes would occur regularly every two hours he sort of went berzerk. For the next 3 weeks diaper changes were a fight to the finish. Now we pretty much have it under control but for a while there it was American Gladiator in the nursery.

--Rosemary

1 month Update

2010-04-13T13:34:00.004-04:00

April 10th marked 1 month that Button has officially been in our custody! In some ways it seems like we were seeing his sweet face for the very first time only moments ago and in other ways it seems as if a lifetime has passed. The one thing we know for sure is that we are so blessed to have had this month with our son. What an amazing experience it has been to become parents, bring our child home from the other side of the world, overcome jetlag and illness together, introduce him to his grandparents, and start getting into the hang of a routine. That's a big month!

In the past month this is what we've seen:

Progress -

*Button now naps! It took weeks to get this figured out but he takes 1 afternoon nap from 1 to 3ish. He will only sleep in Mommy and Daddy's bed (where he sleeps at night) and I have to lay down with him until he falls asleep. He sleeps fitfully, waking several times during the nap, but as long as I am right there to keep him from panicking he will go back to sleep quickly.

*Button now takes his bath without screaming!

*Button now sits happily in his booster seat at meals!

*Button now understands that diaper changes are a part of life. Unavoidable and best to just simmer down and get it over with.

*Button has started to say both our names occasionally when he wants something.

Regression (or part of the healing process depending on how you look at it)-

*Button shows more anxiety now if one of us leaves a room even if it is to walk around the corner in our open floor plan living/dining/kitchen main room.

*He will start crying for no reason sometimes and be inconsolable for quite some time.

*He loves to meet people and is a super cute social butterfly but we are pretty sure that he is "mommy/daddy shopping", a very real part of many adoptees experience, with almost all adults we introduce him to. We are limiting his social interactions and trying to make sure that bonding happens only with us. The reality of this though is that it limits our social interactions and that can be frustrating.

*His temper tantrums are becoming much more marked. It is healthy that he can show his anger and let us know how sad, confused and hurt he is by everything that has happened to him, without his permission and for reasons unknown to him, but we are working to find appropriate ways to keep this behavior at bay because we want him to be safe inside the boundaries of our family.

All together bonding and attachment is progressing as it should, Button got a fabulous report at the pediatrician who declared him in perfect health (other than eczema) and very bright, and we are EXHAUSTED but happy first time parents who adore our son and are finding our way through the maze that is life after kids.

--Rosemary

House of Grace

2010-04-12T11:17:00.000-04:00

In my efforts to recount our time in Thailand I want to make sure I don't fail to talk about the four days we spent in Chiang Rai. Many people adopting from Thailand spend their pleasure time at the beach but we chose to go north because we have wonderful dear friends at the House of Grace, a girl's relief and rescue home in Chiang Rai, where I worked for many years.

We didn't stay at the home because we were worried about so many people interrupting the flow of bonding with Button so instead we took a room at a lovely hotel close by and would go out to the girls' home after breakfast and return later in the day. Initially we had some concerns that Button might feel frightened by all the children or overwhelmed by so many new faces but we ended up being so glad that we made this trip!

He had a great time and it was the first place that we saw him relax. He loved playing with all the little girls and being doted on by the big girls. Of course, all of the staff members were delighted to see him and love on him too. Most of all though I think he really enjoyed the opportunity to eat his meals (truly authentic Thai food) outside on a mat or gathered at a table of Thai speakers. We could see him blooming in the cultural blessing of familiar language, food and faces. He just adored my dear friend and former co-worker Jutiporn, the director of House of Grace, and her two young sons.

We were glad that we had rented the hotel room because we think it was important that we step away from all the super-fun socializing he was doing and reinforce those VERY tenuous bonds of family at naptime, bedtime, bathtime and breakfast but after everything he had been through we were incredibly grateful to see our baby smile. We were also pretty grateful to get a little bit of help ourselves and to see the loving smiles of precious friends.

--Rosemary

Button's Massage

2010-04-08T19:16:00.002-04:00

Those of you following our journey will remember from my previous posts that we had been reading about infant massage as a way to foster bonding and attachment. We heard a lot of positive things about the power of touch and everything we read really compelled us to try infant massage.

I would like to immediately go on the record saying, "Toddler massage is not infant massage!" Button was 18-months-old when we met him and getting him to sit still (even when exhausted) was a feat of miraculous powers so the massage seemed as if it could never happen. The infant massage book calls for these long sessions with the child prone on their back, gazing up into your eyes, totally relaxed at your touch. Yeah right, my poor kid hasn't been relaxed since he met us (don't blame him) and he never lays down until he passes out. But we really did feel that if anyone ever needed to relax and feel calmly loved, if only for 2 minutes, it was our over-excited, traumatized toddler so we persisted.

Every night before bed, after his final diaper change, when he is just in his nappy, we lay out a soft towel on the floor of his nursery, put on a lullaby cd, and let him sit between the two of us while we put lotion on our hands and rub it all over his body. At first it was like wrestling an eel into a garbage sack. He would scream as if we were hurting him and use all his rather considerable muscle to get away. We would quickly finish slathering him and let him get up. Then one day as he was crawling viciously away from me, I was rubbing his legs and I moved onto his feet to keep hold of him and he started making almost a moo-ing noise and quit moving. That was the first positive sign of physical contact during the massage. After that we started and ended with long sessions on his feet.

Tonight when we went upstairs to change his diaper and get the "going to bed" routine started he grabbed his lotion off the low shelf and sat down in the middle of the floor and started pretending to rub it on himself. When Brian and I went and sat next to him he pretended to rub our legs. We have a lot of road left to tread with massage (and all of the techniques we are working with) but I am really glad we didn't give up. He still won't lay down and let us massage him and the massage never lasts past 85 seconds but each second is pure happiness for all 3 of us and it always ends with a kiss. WORTH THE EFFORT!

--Rosemary

Bathtime

2010-04-07T08:00:00.000-04:00

Learning how to parent a child who already has a catalogue of likes and dislikes, fears and a personal history with the world is an interesting task. Ever since we took custody of Button in BKK bathtime has been an absolute nightmare. Button, who is not afraid of anything, (dangerously unafraid in fact) has been terrified of the bath. We tried everything. Still the screams persisted.

Finally, we decided to use the inflatable tub recommended by my friend Terri on her adoption blog. Peace reigned in the bathroom. Now Button loves his evening bath!! We don't know what made the bath so scary. We never even ran the faucet while he was in the room but maybe he just felt lost in such a big sea of water. After all, his prior experience with baths was being sponged off in a large bucket so I can see how this was pretty different.

--Rosemary

Easter

2010-04-05T21:36:00.002-04:00

Button's first Easter was lovely! We had a wonderful weekend. Brian actually had the weekend off and Sunday was my parent's last day in town so we really enjoyed ourselves. We didn't try to go to church because we knew Button couldn't possibly sit through a service yet and we didn't want to leave him in the church nursery. We just feel it's too soon for that kind of separation. So my mom planned a super cute Easter egg hunt in the backyard and made him his very own Easter basket. He had a blast with all the goodies and the grown-ups had just as much fun watching him figure it all out. Afterward, we ate a delicious brunch at one of our favorite places here in town and still made it home for an effort at naptime.

Hoping you had a wonderful weekend wherever you may be,

--Rosemary

The Journey Home

2010-04-01T11:33:00.000-04:00

There is no way I can describe a 24-hour, 3-plane-change journey with a newly adopted child. No one can convey that experience via the written word. It's simply not possible. What I will say is that if there were any other way to bring Button into our life I would have done it. I would have paid any amount of money (were it ours) not to have had to do that. It was the most unpleasant experience of my life and I am not a wimp. I once made the trip home from Thailand with typhoid fever. This was worse. Much worse.

Button was actually pretty good, all things considered. He is always pretty good. He is a great kid! We took the non-stop flight BKK to LAX which left at 6:30pm so by the time they finished the dinner service he was exhausted and ready for sleep. We were super lucky to be on a 1/2 full flight. The angels sang!! The seat between us was empty and since we were already in the bulkhead we were able to lay Button on the floor in front of our feet and he slept for about 6 hours straight. AMAZING! Travel tip: even if you suspect that your child is too big or won't use the bassinet service offered by almost all airlines go ahead and order it anyway because it will ensure you a bulkhead row. Your child must be 2 yr's or under to use the bassinet on most airlines so we just squeaked by and, of course, Button was way too big but the bulkhead row is soooooo worth it! Another travel tip: don't make the mistake of ordering the "baby meal" on Thai airlines if traveling with a toddler. It is jars of baby food so if your kid is a big eater like Button then Mommy will go hungry all the way across the pacific.

Once Button woke up though... we still had 5 hours left to go and he was mad! We walked the aisles, we played with every toy in the bag (and we brought a bunch), the stewardess brought a Thai airlines goody bag, he played peek-a-boo with the lady across the row. Still time crawled by. It. Just. Crawled. Then just as they put on the seatbelt light for descent into LAX Button had a massive diaper blow out so severe it was bubbling up the back of his pant's waistband and the attendant wouldn't let me change him.

After a layover in LAX we still had to face down a 7 hr. red-eye to the east coast. When Button saw we were boarding another plane I think he went a little crazy but fortunately we had pleasant seat companions on the completely full flight and Button slept at least half way there. The rest of the way he screamed and threw toys. It was mind-boggling. We arrived in D.C. at dawn, ate breakfast and played chase and hide-and-go-seek with Button at a deserted gate while waiting 2 more hours for our shuttle flight home.

Was it worth it? Of course! What a ridiculous question. There isn't anything on earth that isn't "worth it" in order to be a family and be with our son. What advice would I give to traveling families? Prepare for the worst; leave optimism at home; take more toys, snacks and diapers than you imagine ever needing. Just in case this post is too bleak for some folks I've included a few of my favorite pics from our journey home as a bit of a cheer up.

--Rosemary

Finally time to write!

2010-03-30T14:36:00.002-04:00

I realize it has been weeks since I blogged but I've hardly been able to remember my own name so writing was out of the question. However, my mom is with Button now so I have a little time for blogging. I do intend to work backwards and fill in the blanks about our time in Thailand. I want to be able to have a clear written memory for our records and I also know from personal experience that some pre-adoptive families out there may be following this blog carefully as they prepare for their own journey.

Let me just say for today that we are doing fine. Button is adjusting better than anyone could possibly have hoped given the trauma that all of these children go through. Many experts believe that toddler adoption is the most difficult kind of adoption and I can understand why. The child is old enough to know that something "wrong" has happened but not nearly old enough to understand any of the explanations.

Button is an extremely active, strong willed, happy 19-month old little boy. He loves to play outside, throw the ball, go for a walk, be read to and imitate most anything we are doing. He is very smart (of course) and he is already saying 7 or 8 words in English including pointing at the door and saying, "A WALK". He also does a huge variety of incredibly cute things that I will try not to bore you with.

In the interest of not sugar coating this process that is adoption, allow me to also share some of the difficulties. He will make absolutely no efforts what-so-ever at directly addressing either one of us. Sometimes he will even hit us in the face to get our attention but he won't say "Mommy or Daddy". This is a typical part of grieving and it is important that he hold us away from his heart as long as he needs to. It took 10 full days for him to recover from jetlag but now that he is better he refuses to nap during the day. Adoption trauma aside, he is fully enmeshed in the terrible-two's, and feeling the need to sow some oats. He can climb into ANYTHING. He does hit and bite and pinch when he is upset, which is frequent.

All that being said, we love Button so very, very, very much and we are thrilled and overjoyed that he, and no one else, is our son. He is the absolutely exact right child for our little family that was two and now is three.

--Rosemary

Home at last!

2010-03-19T12:55:00.002-04:00

We finally arrived home with Button this morning after the following itinerary: 14 hour flight from Bangkok to LAX, 4 hour layover, 6 hour flight from LAX to Washington Dulles, 2 hour layover, 30 minute flight home to Virginia. Whew! I get exhausted just writing it! But we're home, my mom (the Duchess) is here helping in so many wonderful ways, and we're all just trying to deal with our jetlag, which is atrocious. Can't wait to post more about our trip and about our new lives as Button's parents here in our own little house! Never really seemed like this day would get here, but all of a sudden, here it is. Thanks all for your interest and prayers and advice and help during our planning and travels. Will write more soon, but just wanted to let everyone know we were home safe and sound.

-Brian

More pictures

2010-03-16T06:22:00.000-04:00

We're back in Bangkok after a long weekend in cool (relatively) north of Thailand with our friends at House of Grace. It was very nice to be out of Bangkok for a few days, and Button loved being surrounded by kids and loving Thai people. Of course, I'm not posting those pictures right now (too frazzled to make cogent blog postings!) Here are some pictures from our DSDW meeting and our day at the zoo. Quick paperwork update for those who have known that we've been having problems: we have our visa interview tomorrow morning at the US embassy, and will hopefully be leaving Thailand Thursday night. Not too bad! More soon.

-Brian

You take the good, you take the bad...

2010-03-11T22:11:00.002-05:00

So we have had a really stressful introduction to family life. We feel so BAD for Button because his transition to our family was always going to be full of loss (no way around that) but no one could have predicted it would be this uncomfortable. Brian got sick first. The day they brought Button to be a permanent part of our family (his goodbye day with his "Yai and Pa") Brian was virtually unavailable he was so sick. So there we were. Mommy and Button. Yes, that is correct, my body was a human shield for his laser beams of hatred. Brian would appear occasionally.

The next day we had to go to the DSDW meeting to officially receive his paperwork and become his parents. I started running a fever that day but one cannot miss the DSDW meeting so I carry on.

The third day Brian is feeling fully recovered and I continue to feel rotten but what can be done? We have a kid to take care of and that kid is completely miserable anytime we are in the hotel room. He's no fool. He recognizes this as the site of all his loss. He needs constant distraction from his total misery e.g. "Where is my Yai?" So we decide to go to the Bangkok Zoo. It's a lovely place and I highly recommend it if you are coming here with your own unhappy adoptee. We had a very nice morning looking at animals and eating popsicles at the goat pen. Button is especially pleased with the giraffes. Then it is lunch time so Brian goes to hunt for food and I take Button to change his diaper and wash hands for eating. Button looks at me calmly and throws up on his clothes. Then while I am cleaning that up he throws up on me. Then while I am cleaning that up he throws up on the wipes. Yes, that is 3 projectile vomits in a row. We finally find Brian and go back to the hotel immediately. Button throws up in the Taxi. #4! The taxi driver yells at us all the way back to the Pantip Court. I give him an enormous tip and run upstairs.

At the present time, I am no longer running a fever but existing on applejuice and rice. Button still has a fever but is keeping food down for about 24 hours now. Hoping and praying the kiddo feels better soon!
--Rosemary

All about Button

2010-03-11T21:31:00.003-05:00

So it takes a while to amass any sort of knowledge about your child but we are working hard to learn what we can as fast as we can. Here's what we think we know so far:

Button is clearly a leftie. He has full use of his right side (you can bet we checked) but throws and kicks and uses his spoon with his left hand almost exclusively. I am delighted to see this because left handed people rank as highly creative. Brian is delighted because left handed players are highly desired pitchers.

He is addicted to his bottle. Both emotionally and physically. He is drinking 8 8 oz bottles of fortified formula a day. Ummm...yeah. He hardly eats a bite of solid food because he is constantly full of liquid fats. We are trying to figure out what to do about that because he is way too old for formula. He carries the bottles (2- 1 for water and 1 for milk) around with him always. He keeps them holstered under his armpits when he uses his hands for things. It's actually kind of cute but a habit that eventually we hope he will be able to part with. Like in time for school.

He has already said his first english word. This morning playing soccer with Mommy and Daddy he pointed at the ball and said "Ball" then kicked it. We are duly impressed. His Thai vocabulary that we've identified so far is mostly "Eat" "Hungry" "GO" "Car" "Grandmother" and "Cat".

He loves cars, trucks and motorcycles more than anything on earth. He makes "vroom" noises when he sees them and he loves to ride in taxis and look out the windows at passing cars.

He doesn't like chicken but loves congee and fruit.

He is crazy about Daddy and prefers him in every way. He likes me and will certainly allow me to hold him, feed him, take him on walks, play with him, etc... But if Brian is available he really wants it to be DAD! His foster parents said that he called her "grandmother" and him "daddy" and that he was a real Daddy's boy there too so we don't know if he's just kind of wired that way or if he is working through some missing of his "Yai" who he calls for frequently. It will be interesting to see how it plays out but for now I love watching Brian and Button together. They are soooo cute and Brian is an AMAZING dad!

--Rosemary

Button's village

2010-03-10T07:24:00.001-05:00

These are a few pictures from Monday afternoon with Button's foster family. The older couple are his foster parents. The other people pictured are their family, who live in the same village with them. Button has definitely been raised up to this point with an "it takes a village" viewpoint! We are so grateful for all their love and care for him.

-Brian

Button and Daddy

2010-03-10T07:09:00.001-05:00

Here are some of Monday's events captured on film. The day started off with some Slinky to break the ice, then a trip to the Central Department Store in Bangkok (new shoes!), and some fun with sunglasses for the long car trip out to Bang Sai. R will right more about what's been going on since. I liked these of me and the boy, though.

- Brian

Long Day

2010-03-08T19:39:00.002-05:00

Brian is sick. Brian who is never sick is sick. The man has survived 9 years of medical training and has the immune system of an ox and he has been terribly ill for more than 12 hours. We think he has some kind of virus because he is running a fever. In case you are wondering, I don't feel great either but I definitely don't have whatever is plaguing him...yet. The timing of this is really bad because we have a lot of government appointments to go to today with VISA stuff and on top of all of that Button is being delivered here into our care permanently around noon. We need all hands on deck so please say a prayer that we can get this illness beat.

We had a very long and busy day yesterday. In the morning, we all went to the Central Department store to do some shopping and eat lunch. In the past, some families have felt frustrated by this activity because it is a difficult day for the kids. Very overwhelming and stressful for them and creates and lot of difficulty in toddler wrangling. But we were told that it was important because it helps to prepare for the atmosphere of airports. What a smart social worker!! It was loud and bright, full of strangers and weird things like escalators which fascinated Button. By the time we got to lunch he was overstimulated, had a hard time eating and then fell sound asleep in the middle of the food. Poor kid.

In the afternoon we took the 2 hour drive out to the village where he lives with his foster family. His foster parents are the sweetest, kindest people and we loved meeting them! He clearly has a wonderful relationship with both of them and their extended family who all live right there. Button seems to be kind of a guy's guy and he is very close to his foster father and he adores Brian and thinks everything he does is SUPER COOL. He imitates all his noises and gestures in this completely adorable way! His foster parents have a little pre-teen granddaughter who lives there and Button obviously loves her and does everything with her. She showed us all around their street and took us on the little evening walk that she usually goes for with Button down to the river. He is a VERY physical, active little boy who needs to be doing something all the time. One of the few words he does say is, "GO!" His foster mother told us that taking his evening walk is very important to him and she made me promise that we would continue this tradition at our house. She seemed incredibly relieved to hear that we had been to Thailand before and that we had friends in Chiang Rai and planned to return. I don't think she believed we would bring him back to visit her but she seemed hopeful at least.

His foster parents told us that they have fostered 10 children through Holt but 8 of them have been reunited with loving birth families here in Thailand. Only one other child, long ago, went to America. She said it was very hard for her to see Button going so far away and she had been worried for many months about who these people were. She was very kind to us because she said that when she saw our faces and saw us with him she could tell that we were very loving and fun and that we would be good to him. I cried the whole time she talked and so did the social worker translating. She is 65 years old and she has done a very good job, in limited circumstances, with caring for and loving our son and we are so grateful. We can't wait to come back and visit her.

By the time we got home Brian was sick. When he is feeling better he will post pictures. I can't work the camera. Lightswitches are as technical as I get.

--Rosemary

Meeting Our Baby

2010-03-07T16:14:00.003-05:00

I don't think I will ever forget those first minutes when Button when walked into the room. He was such a brave little guy. His social worker was walking next to him and he was sort of surveying the situation (3 social workers, 2 families of farangs and the other sweet little matched toddler who was very loudly upset) but he didn't have to be carried and he never shed a single tear.

I sat down on the floor and started playing with some toddler sized blocks we brought. I stacked them up (counting in Thai) and knocked them over with small explosion noises. Button cautiously edged closer to the fun. After a minute or so I held out a block to him and he happily took it. In another minute I said his Thai nickname and he came over, stacked his block and knocked them over. Then he sat down and took over the blocks like a happy little dictator stacking and knocking them down and handing blocks to me or Brian to hold. Then his social worker gave him a ball out of her diaper bag. This is clearly the FAVORITE toy and he immediately recognized me as a subpar partner. He kicked and threw his ball (hard and long and connections) with Brian thereafter. He is content to play with the ball for a very long time and he rarely misses his aim. Brian is overjoyed!

At this time the other family left to go to their room and it was just us and the social worker and Button seemed to suddenly take stock of very new (and strange) surroundings. For a second I thought he might cry but then he just tiptoed over to a large bank of cabinets by the tv, gave us a mischevious, over-the-shoulder grin and started opening them one by one and pushing buttons on the TV. He let me hold him and walk all around the suite showing him the bedroom where we would sleep, the bathroom where we would wash up, the kitchen where we would have snacks (translated by social worker). We have no idea what he is absorbing at this point but he doesn't show much fear. He climbed right up on the bed and snuggled in the pillows and wanted to be read his book. He wanted to be read the book in every room in the house. I'm so glad that we basically have a small children's library waiting for him at home because he obviously likes books. My turn to be overjoyed!

Our whole group met in the dining room for lunch and we had our first go at feeding him. Typically, he was most interested in drinking from Daddy's cup of cold water but he ate a fair amount of fried rice and an insane amount of papaya so I was satisfied. He does an extremely cute thing though: when he gets a bite of something he especially likes he takes both fists and rubs them, opening and closing on his tummy, in this expression of pure delight like a little Koala bear. So far he doesn't seem to have any particular preference for one of us over the other. He loves playing with Brian - it would appear that blocks and ball are better with Brian. He happily lets us both hold him and carry him though. We are so grateful that he is not afraid or resentful of 1 of us because this makes sharing the parenting load so much easier and we hope this equal adjustment to us keeps up.

Today we were also given a very comprehensive update of his schedule, food needs, and personality by the social workers. As we studied it after he left we couldn't help but laugh. I have no idea what these updates say to other parents but Button's says, "Please be aware of accidents that happen due to to this little boy's curiosity and activeness with climbing, searching and loving of electronic appliances." And Brian said we didn't need the toilet locks!! The update also told us that his favorite toy is his ball and he loves to play in water and take his bath and that he is afraid of ducks and the noise they make. Cute, huh?

We were only with him today for 4 hours before he needed to go home and get some rest and decamp from all of this stress. Even though I hated putting him in that van I know that this slow process of transition that HSF does is best for the children. He is so beautiful and perfect and we can't wait to see him again! Next, among other things, we will go to his foster family's home to meet them, show some expression of our deep gratitude and get to see Button in his familiar environment which should be an eye-opener. Exciting!!
--Rosemary

Button Pictures!!!

2010-03-07T02:58:00.004-05:00

So we met our son this morning! We'll post pictures now and do a full recap later on. Too, too excited right now to put words down. As you can see, he started off a little sedate, but that didn't last too long. A lot of times I felt like a wildlife photographer. As you can see, once he catches sight of the camera, the jig is up! But he eventually tired himself out, and fell asleep in R's arms right before leaving for the day. More later.

-Brian

Waiting for Button....

2010-03-06T21:47:00.000-05:00

A hotel room waits for its new resident....

Staying Busy

2010-03-06T16:31:00.005-05:00

Today is the big day. Today we will meet Button! So naturally I woke up at 2:45am. At this point, I'm really nothing more than a shivering chihuahua. I hope I can pull it together enough to hold the kid. Oh wow, I'm super excited! Poor Brian has been practically baby-sitting me since we arrived and now we are getting a real toddler.

We had a wonderful day yesterday. Since we've both been here before and blessed enough to tour the "Big Bangkok Hot-Spots" we decided we would just spend the day running some errands and making sure we had all our P's and Q's in place for "BUTTON DAY". After a lovely breakfast in the garden we took advantage of the hotel's complimentary shuttle to the skytrain. Fortunately, the shuttle drops guests off at the Sala Deng stop, which is right in the heart of the Silom District of Bangkok (the area I am most familiar with) so we shopped up and down both sides of the street enjoying the early morning cool and calm that only jet-lagged tourists discover. We got delicious ice coffees at the Doi Tung shop. While in Thailand, please frequent the Doi Tung shops. They have lovely gifts, delicious edibles and all of the proceeds go to help the hilltribe minorities! After that we rode the skytrain 2 stops (20 baht) to the Siam Center to check out the mall and look for some things we accidentally forgot and others we still needed to buy.

We bought wrapping paper for our gifts for the social workers and Button's foster family. The Thai's do the most magnificent wrapping paper and bows and the girl helping me was so excited about the options for "making cute". The end result was not cheap but we did indeed make cute. After that, we wondered through a fantastic toy store looking for presents for the little girl we sponsor at House of Grace in Chiang Rai. We are going there for a few days when we are done in BKK and we will get to visit with her as usual. We want to make sure that she knows that despite our new parental status we still love her absolutely and she can always count on us. The girls in the home have so little and I don't want her to feel she is loosing...again. So from Brian a pink doctor's kit because little girls can grow up to be doctors too and from me an Asian Barbie because little girls can grow up to be fashion conscious doctors!

Then we rode back to the Sala Deng stop and ate lunch at the "Bug and Bee" a darling little fusion restaurant which serves Thai food wrapped up in crepes. They also have a variety of cold fruit drinks. I know it sounds like an odd idea but when I saw the sign I said to Brian, "That's either really bad or really good but don't you think we must try it?" So we did and it was delicious! We shared the Thai Tuna salad in cold crepe and the curry puffs in hot crepe and a lime soda.

After lunch Brian declared that I had to spend at least 3 hours napping because my eyeballs were starting to twirl so I was put to bed. When I woke up my sweet husband had made us dinner reservations for a fancy night out in honor of our last "No babysitter needed date night." How cute is he? He took me to the Oriental Hotel, which is one of the oldest and loveliest spots in Bangkok. They have 9 restaurants to choose from and their French theme is consistently voted one of the best restaurants in all of Asia. We, however, ate at the traditional Thai restaurant on the riverfront. The weather was perfect with a soft breeze all evening and the food was delicious. A very fun part of eating here is that you arrive at the hotel but then The Oriental's complimentary lighted barge takes you across the river and you eat on the other side.

Well, that brings you up to speed and my next post should have Button details in it!
--Rosemary

P.S. If some of you are wondering about the very specific details in this blog they are for other pre-adoptive families who will be traveling after us and staying in this exact hotel, looking for places to eat, needing to use the skytrain and trying to cope with the new surroundings. Reading each other's blogs is one of our best ways to prepare for this wonderful but complicated trip.

Brian's photoblog, part 1

2010-03-05T19:15:00.001-05:00

My contribution to the blog while we're over here will be pictures I'm taking. Just to set the mood, before we get into the really exciting stuff, here are a few of Bangkok at night from our hotel room, as well as this morning's sunrise from our balcony. I love this city, and will try to get some more pictures throughout the day today to share it with the rest of you. Then, of course, starting tomorrow will be the pictures everyone (including us) really want to see! Our video camera won't work with this computer, but rest assured that I'll be shooting lots of video, too, which we'll put up as soon as we get home. Thanks everyone for your well-wishes and prayers.

-Brian

Tales from Jetlag

2010-03-05T16:31:00.004-05:00

We had a great day and I am now broadcasting live from the land of JETLAG. Brian is, of course, sound asleep. We managed to stay busy and awake until about 10pm in an effort to re-set our body clocks but I woke up at 3:30am anyway so here I am. At least it gives me time to blog!

When we arrived at the hotel our room wasn't ready yet because it was only 8am so we left our luggage with the concierge and went exploring. We are in a nice little area a few blocks from a subway stop and a small night market. There doesn't appear to be a lot of tourist action. After about an hour (and several wrong turns) we found our way back with a pretty thorough understanding of our surroundings. There is a 7-11 only a couple of blocks away which sells many helpful things for adoptive parent shoppers like poki sticks, diapers and juice.

Getting unpacked took forever because the whole thing was completely surreal. We kept placing toys and toddler clothes in drawers and then realizing that Button would actually wear these clothes in just a few days and play with these toys in this very room. So then we had to take a really long time deciding exactly which drawer we should put the toys and clothes in. The whole thing was ridiculous and hilarious so finally we just put our bathing suits on, grabbed our ipods and went to numb out by the pool.

After a swim and some sun therapy we got cleaned up and went in search of dinner. We found a lovely little open air Thai style restaurant called "Mali" just down the street where we were seated in quite possibly the world's smallest booth. Brian says he is still unfolding. Bri had the red beef curry and I ate vegetable tempura while we enjoyed the street scenes come to life around us.

After dinner we walked to the end of the street and discovered a little massage sign beckoning to us so we went in and enjoyed an hour long Thai massage in a couple's room. I don't know how they do all that bending and twisting but those treatments are perfect after the cramped plane ride. For everyone, who is about to make this trip and shy of getting one my recommendation is: just try it! Of course, that's my recommendation for everything, isn't it? Anyway, the massage shops on the street are always about 1/2 the price of the hotel spa's, they do a better job in my experience and I think tales of "misconduct" are highly exaggerated. Beside if a masseuse ever confuses the situation and offers something inappropriate one can use their car-date voice and say, "NO THANK YOU". I am a solid believer in the power of the firm car-date voice in all awkward situations.

The dining room doesn't open for another hour and a half so it looks like I'm going to be eating Button's poki sticks. Now I wish I hadn't been such a strict Mommy and insisted we forgo the chocolate covered poki in favor of the plain pretzel poki. First parenting lesson well learned!
--Rosemary

Sawatdeeka from Bangkok!

2010-03-04T23:12:00.003-05:00

We are finally here! I have never been happier to arrive in the City of Angels and I've never had such an amazing reason for the excitement I always carry in my heart when the plane touches down here.

Considering that it is such a mind-bending trip everything went very well for us. We stopped in LA and got to visit and rest with two of our dearest friends, Tiffany and Brittany, who have just been amazing and supportive of us through this whole journey. Then we hopped on a non-stop 17 hour flight straight into Bangkok. For my money, non-stop is the way to go. I know some people like the lay-over's to stretch their legs but I just want to take my medicine and get it over with as quickly as possible. We flew Thai Air which is always a delight. Everything from the service to the food to the in-flight entertainment was top-notch. I was able to sleep several hours which is pretty good for me and, of course, poor exhausted Brian slept the entire way. He even slept through the food. It was like a bear in hibernation.

Now we are getting settled in at the hotel and trying to keep ourselves awake through the daylight hours so we're headed out to rustle up some food and a massage. Perhaps a swim this afternoon? After the unending winter we've had in Virginia this year, it's so lovely to be enjoying this 90 degree weather!

We're in Thailand and sooner than we can even believe it we will meet our son. Today we are so very blessed!

--Rosemary

New Button Pictures!!

2010-02-23T08:24:00.007-05:00

Last night we received our final update of Button before traveling. WOOHOO! We leave the country in 1 week. I absolutely cannot believe it is finally here. We are running around with a million things left to do and loving every minute of it. Being busy for this reason is the most wonderful thing on earth. But I know none of you care about any of that - "The pictures, for heaven's sake, Rosemary, get to the pictures!" So without further ado, here's Button:

Isn't he adorable? Of course, we know you all agree! For all of you waiting parents who are curious about these things, the progress reports have a bit of basic info about height and weight, body measurements, eating and sleeping habits and any special needs that Holt may be keeping an eye on. Some of the reports may take the time to comment on personality and disposition and some of them don't. Our report this time said that Button is cheerful and active and makes many funny gestures and plays harmoniously with other children. We are incredibly grateful because these are far and away the best quality pictures we have ever received of him and they are only 2 months old so hopefully this gives us a clear idea of his little face (and clothes size) as we go to meet him IN JUST ONE WEEK!!! That means so much to us since children change on a near daily basis.

On cloud nine,
--Brian and Rosemary

Feeling the Love

2010-02-22T10:17:00.005-05:00

This weekend we have been so touched by love from such dear people. Of course, one never expects love or generosity but there are those in life, who we are closest to, that carry a mutual level of required give and take. Everyone has family members and life-long friendships: the college roommates, bridesmaids and the dude you can call collect from Mexico who will fedex you a pair of mittens, $200 in unmarked fives and a tin of chocolate pudding - no questions asked. These are the relationships that keep us all going on a daily basis and the sort of people who usually come around with baby gifts. And we cherish those just as much but doesn't love melt your heart in a different way when it comes from unexpected places? This weekend Button received some of the loveliest gifts from people we would never have expected to think of us.

The woman who shares our duplex, who we occasionally cat sit for, showed up with this fun book for Button and the note said, "Welcome home! I can't wait to be your neighbor, Love Anne."

Over the past year I have been able to renew a friendship with a girl named Juliane who grew up in the same church as me in Orlando. Our parents are friends and she has followed our blog and sent many encouraging notes. She and her husband have been on their own adoption journey and have recently brought home their beautiful daughter Caroline, who Juliane named for her mother. Button received a fantastic package with scads of bath toys from Juliane and Caroline!

Then as if he wasn't drowning in riches, Button got the loveliest clothes all the way from SOUTH AFRICA! The magical, mysterious Mireille, my beautiful fellow blogger of Funky Doodle Donkey fame, sent the absolute cutest little outfits (complete with hat) from local South African designer

With a grateful heart,
--Rosemary

World Elephant Polo Association

2010-02-15T08:00:00.004-05:00

Most of the time I am gloriously happy with my life. I have Brian and Button and a content spirit so the whole thing works out pretty well but I have to admit to you, dear internet strangers, that occasionally I happen across something that just makes me itch for a different set of circumstances.

Allow me to introduce you to the ladies of the World Elephant Polo Association. I am not making this nonsense up! These adventurous women (and men) travel to exotic countries, don spiffing uniforms, climb onto the backs of elephants and play polo (on very big fields). Yes, the whole thing does reek of colonialism and while I normally would eschew any club of such an obviously "exclusive" mentality let us remind ourselves that since this is my FANTASY sport we don't need to worry about any of that. My whole life, I've been looking for an activity that would allow me to dress fabulously, keep a pachyderm as a pet, and exercise as little as possible - I absolutely cannot believe I've finally found it. The girls of WEPA actually practice for their matches by riding on top of slow moving Jeep's and hitting soccer balls with their giant mallet-thingies. Doesn't that sound hilarious? This is the sport for me!!

This is a youtube compilation video of some of the highlights from Thailand's King's Cup elephant polo Tournament in HuaHin. Very Interesting!

Now all I have to do is get freakin' super rich, buy an elephant (best part of all), hire a trainer, fly all over Asia for "the season" and get in with the classy WEPA crowd. I'm sure they would just love to have me. Who else is up for it? As long as we can get 6 ladies we can form our own team!

--Rosemary

Can this be happening?

2010-02-11T12:59:00.002-05:00

In three weeks we will be in Thailand. What a completely stunning notion.

We will have survived the trip. Which in case you are our curious our round trip schedule includes: a 45 minute flight to Charlotte, a 1 hr layover, a 7 hr flight to LA where we spend the night with my dearest friend Brittany to break up the trip and rest a bit (fatigue is VERY BAD for my seizure threshold). The next morning we board an 18 hour non-stop flight to Bangkok.

We have purchased our plane tickets. We have made our hotel reservations. We have emailed old friends in Chiang Rai and told them to expect three! We are making the much dreaded trek to Ikea this weekend. Button has a pediatrician's appointment for the week after homecoming. We have our first post-placement social worker visit scheduled for two weeks after we get home. We have booked the cat-sitter. The Duchess is picking us all three up from the airport and bringing us home to a warm, food-filled house!

The arrangements are all made. Now why do I feel so completely unprepared and confused? I woke up at 4:00am last night. Stress insomnia; my old friend. Before we got married I practically stopped sleeping all together and lost ten pounds for no other reason than forgetting to eat. I wasn't scared to marry Brian - Brian was my person always had been - I just didn't know how to be married. That's how I feel now. I'm not scared to be Button's mom because he is already my son. I'm just afraid I don't really know how to do the job justice.

--Rosemary

Everyday Blessings

2010-02-10T12:17:00.003-05:00

Everyday Blessings: The Inner Work of Mindful Parenting by Myla and John Kabat-Zinn is a very interesting book. This book was recommended to me more than a year ago by Sara Barris at the APC Adoption Conference and I have been trying to get around to reading it forever. Thankfully, forever finally came! This is a very unusual book but I'm glad I read it. I felt it helped me and I think it will enrich our experience of parenting.

Some of the main ideas expressed by the Kabat-Zinns are the importance of daily meditation in the parenting journey, the quest for non-judgemental mindfulness, and devoting oneself to the act of parenting purposely instead of simply carrying through with the motions. I found a lot of inspiration in this book and in the Kabat-Zinn's clear and deep love for their grown children. The book also covers practical daily issues of parenting like bedtimes, nutrition and schooling. Here is a quote from pg. 182 to give you a general idea of their philosophy, "Mindful parenting simply calls on us to pay attention to what we are doing, including the choices we make, and to examine in an ongoing way the effect our choices have on our child. It involves a continual inquiry into what we are doing and why."

Everyday Blessings starts off slow and I nearly gave up on it. It truly took about 60 pages for me to find my way into a real rhythm with this text but once I got there it was worth it. I think the authors have a lot of great ideas and an interesting expression of them but, in my opinion, they could have used a different editor to cut out a lot of bulk that weighed the concepts down and made it a longer book than was needed. I wouldn't recommend this book to people who feel negatively toward eastern ideology.

Happy Reading,
--Rosemary

How We Are Formed

2010-02-09T07:04:00.001-05:00

As you all know, I think it is extremely important to learn from the experiences on all sides of the adoption triad. I read as many blogs and forums as I can to be aware of how original families, other adoptive parents, and adoptees are feeling about this huge adventure we are all on. All of these people are my guides and the only way we can learn and change for the better is by teaching each other. There is no one else to do it for us.

I've been interested to come across comments like this a lot lately: "In order to adopt a child you must first destroy the biological family." As a pre-adoptive parent, in my particular circumstances, I would like to say why it makes me uncomfortable to have this idea broadcast as a blind corollary and universal truism.

Of course, I know that there are a lot of adoptive parents who are more than willing to work with unethical agencies and play their part in coercing young/uneducated/poor women into giving up their children when it is not in the best interest of the original family. The "Juno-esq" adoption scenario of meeting a woman who has had no counseling or legal representation, showing a giant house and empty nursery, making her feel bad for not being among the working wealthy and saying, "How sure do you think you are that you're going to give us your baby?" is a completely unethical way to conduct an adoption and should be illegal. In fact, I would say that behavior would definitely fall in the category of an adoptive family building itself on the destruction of a biological family. That doesn't mean that the first mom would have turned out to be a saint or that the adoptive parents are evil I am merely referencing the starting point. However, there are many, many adoptions the world over that are conducted ethically and with the best interests of the child in mind.

Since I started working in my field, none of the kids I liasoned for in US foster care were sent there on the request of an adoptive family, who purposely destroyed the first family so they could sweep in and scoop up the kids. In the past decade that I have been involved in a girl's rescue home in Thailand, I have seen countless children placed by their biological families. None of these children were brought to our gates because an adoptive family convinced/paid/manipulated the desperate mothers. In fact, at our home, none of the girls are even eligible for adoption. And yet deflated mothers still arrive and leave tearful children behind. These women all have good reasons that are mostly beyond the comprehension of our safe, secure, American lives. I know a lot of these families and I admire and love them. Their life choices have been heartbreaking and it sickens me when I hear self-absorbed Westerners saying things like, "It's not that bad to grow up in some poor village in remote Asia. Why don't those women just keep their kids?" They are doing everything to keep their kids safe and trust me when I say that the struggles of their lives defy the limits of my vocabulary or the scope of most imaginations.

I do not think there is a blind corollary between adoption and first family loss because I see children loose their biological families constantly but rarely do they acquire the benefits, and admitted difficulties, of an adopted family. So I guess how I would change the prior statement, ""In order to adopt a child you must first destroy the biological family," in discussing the topic with our son (at an appropriate age) would be to say:

"Many kinds of adoptions exist but they all have two things in common: 1) An original family was disrupted, for any number of reasons, but we all grieve that loss forever. 2) An adoptive family is formed and we love each other unconditionally just as we are."

-- Rosemary

(Please note that I am NOT an adoption worker and the home I am associated with DOES NOT facilitate adoptions!! It is simply a rescue facility for girl's endangered by starvation, abuse, and child prostitution. Children can find safety and possibility at our home and we encourage and help maintain relationships with safe members of original families. I do NOT work in the adoption community in anyway.)

The Stroller

2010-02-08T12:22:00.004-05:00

So in case you can't tell, we are those annoying "consumer reports" people who feel the need to read everything about said product before buying it. We also check public opinions on chat rooms and cross compare various safety features. Yes, by "we" I do mean Brian. The other day, someone who does not know us very well, overheard us discussing a recent baby purchase and (in this extremely condescending tone) said, "Oh my gosh, you guys are like really anxious first time parents! Trust me - by the third kid you'll just be buying whatever is on sale." I looked at Brian and thought "Hmmm, only if that third kid comes with a lobotomy." This is not new behavior for "us". I would love to be able to say that this has something to do with our swelling parental love for Button but sadly... this is how "we" bought our vacuum.

Enter the stroller purchase! I had only three concerns 1.) It had to be parent facing to encourage bonding. 2.) I had to be able to lift it (I'm weak like a smurf). 3.) I had to love the design in every way. Brian had a host of other concerns that I won't bother detailing here because I never understood them. I will say this though: As much as I tease him, I am grateful to the man for making some semblance of order out of the good time parade that is my life!

So the stroller shopping basically started and ended like this:
Roses: Ooooooh, I really want the Stokke Xplory stroller.
Brian: That is an insane amount of money and totally impractical in every way.
Roses: I love the design!! It's so tall and I'm so short that Button and I will practically be face to face!
Brian: It has terrible fold down and very few abilities.
Roses: I love the design!!!
Brian: It is a financial QUAGMIRE!

So after multiple rejections on both sides Brian finally came up with this little beauty:
The Mutsy 4Rider. Ladies and gentlemen, a compromise was reached! It is a very cool (mostly unheard of) stroller that has great fold down, parent facing options, removable wheels, fantastic maneuverability, and the website has all the usual accessories available for purchase. I can personally assure you it is pretty light for a stroller. They all weigh a ton, in my opinion, but I can lift this one so that's saying something.

My favorite feature is that the child's seat sits pretty high which moves Button closer to my eye-level. Brian's favorite feature is that the handle bar moves in and out at the touch of a button so we can each use it at a comfortable height. This is important for us since he is more than a foot taller than me.

So anyway, if you are on a stroller hunt of your own - good luck! If you get the Stokke send me pictures of you and your tot taking it for long walks in the park. I know the Stokke (especially the yellow one) will be happy in a park...

--Rosemary
**A special word of thanks goes out to my parents, Button's Papa and Gai Gai, who lovingly bought us our stroller as a baby gift!! Thanks, Mom and Dad!

Crib Bedding!

2010-02-04T10:07:00.003-05:00

The crib bedding arrived! I have been waiting forever for this stuff to get here so it's a major deal. First of all it took me months to decide on what I wanted and I annoyed everyone I knew by switching paint colors and refusing to decide on a "theme", colors or bedding until the last minute. Hence, our unfinished nursery now in the final weeks before leaving to pick up Button. If you are waiting to adopt a child learn from my crazy and try not to do this. I spent hours one afternoon torturing my very patient (and talented) Aunt Karen who looked at swatches of everything with me and I still couldn't decide. Then the angels sang and trumpets blared and I saw this by Argington:

I fell in love with the clean graphic print and the bright colors. Plus, Brian and I both loved the fact that it was gender neutral. Beside all that, there was something about the design that kept whispering memories of Thailand to me. Maybe it's the mosaic of tropical flowers or the bird silhouettes flying across the pattern but it says home to me.

So now that it's all here I better get off this blog and hurry up and get the kiddos bedroom finished!

--Rosemary

Miss Poppy

2010-02-03T13:41:00.003-05:00

A couple of weeks ago I found this adorable book, Ms. Poppy's Guide to Raising Perfectly Happy Children, in a little shop here in town and couldn't resist it's cute title. After reading it I was glad I picked it up on impulse. It is an easy to read, enjoyable book with lots of encouraging tips for managing toddlers!

The book was written by Elaine Addison, a professional nanny with more than 18 years of experience. Not only does she give helpful and direct advice for dealing with the various developmental stages but she also has some hilarious and quirky stories about the different families she has worked for over the years. The book is divided into 3 basic sections: 6 mon - 1 yr, 1 yr - 2.5 yr, and 2.5 - 5 yr, so you can easily skip to the section that applies to your child now. Each section covers nutrition, recipes and "getting them to eat", games, books and toys, health, sleep issues and discipline.

What I liked the most about Ms. Poppy's Guide was that it had very specific hands-on ideas instead of just loose philosophies e.g. if it urged you to play a game with your child before lunch it gave 3 examples and showed exactly how to do them. Some books simply say, "Have more fun with your toddler." Having spent years as a nanny myself, I know that no matter how obvious these ideas may seem the well of creativity does run dry eventually and it always seems to happen on the very day when the kids are sick and screaming and mom didn't get any sleep last night. On these occasions it is so very lovely to turn to a book you trust and pull out an idea for entertainment. These fun crafts and games are the caregiver's curriculum and it really can pull us through the day. I'm photocopying and stockpiling my "lesson plans" as we speak and Ms. Poppy has a boodle of them so I give it 4 stars.

--Rosemary

Hyphen

2010-02-02T12:00:00.001-05:00

Hyphen is an amazing magazine, dedicated to Asian-American interests, that Brian and I recently started subscribing too. Here's how they describe themselves on the "about" section of their website:
"Because it shouldn't be hard to find substantive and well-researched articles about complicated issues that affect Asian Americans in a single magazine devoted to us. Because we're tired of reading celebrity profiles in publications that tell us what to buy, where to travel, and how to eat. Because we're bored with first-person essays about discovering our roots. Hello, can we stop talking about our roots, which we found a long time ago thank-you-very-much, and move on? Can we talk about people doing interesting things because they're interesting, not just because they're Asian American and always making statements about their identity? Because we feel excluded when reading only about New York and California — what about Texas and Minnesota and Kansas? Because we'll yawn if we see another interview with the same three Asians the mainstream approves of. We want to hear about emerging artists, writers, filmmakers, performers, and musicians. Because we're Asian American, not Asian. Because when we scanned the newsstand, we couldn't find ourselves. Now we can."

This is a magazine designed for adults about adult topics. They have fantastic art, music reviews, interesting interviews and a quirky sense of humor. The writing is solid and we both enjoy reading it. However, we know that some people may be wondering, "Why are you getting this magazine? You're not Asian." A lot of people may feel like that is the sort of thing we should wait and just order for our kids when they are old enough to want to read about "Asian culture" themselves. But we think it's important that our kids see us reading magazines with Asian people on the cover. We think it's important that our kids see us reading books written by Asian authors. We think it's important that they see us listening to CD's by Asian artists and attending movies with Asian performers. We think they deserve to have that be a part of the fabric of their lives. They shouldn't have to demand it as a part of an emerging teen identity. It is their race and it should be respected in their home.

It's equally important that we don't bring home books, CD's, movies, etc, with a sense of false enthusiasm. We're trying to educate ourselves about the wide variety of options out there so we can find racially diverse representations of our particular tastes. We want our choices to be authentic! We don't want to give the impression that in order to fit in as Asian-Americans our children will have to loose their personal identity in support of some wider racial cause. We need to show them that they can find what they are looking for and they can find it represented by their own race. If they don't, then we hope they will be confident enough to become that representation.

We truly like Hyphen - it's an incredibly cool magazine - and it's giving us a great education in the pop culture of young Asia-America. So until we are old, stupid parents "who don't know anything" and have to down grade to the Reader's Digest we are going to enjoy reading Paste and Hyphen because we are an Asian American family and because we like music and literature.

- Brian and Rosemary

The panic monster

2010-02-01T16:05:00.003-05:00

Wow! Where have I been? It's crazy that my last post was 9 days ago! We have been so busy and yet I feel like we're just not getting enough done. We were in Seattle for part of that time and then we had some WONDERFUL friends in town for part of that time but where did all the rest of it go? I truly do not know. My friends and family would tell you that my spare moments were probably devoted to the study of panic. I've been doing a little bit of bathroom crying and some late night phone calls to the best friend. I've also been eating a lot of carbohydrates.

Hey, guys, do you have any idea how scary having your first child is? It's incredibly frightening! When you really stop to think about it having children is absurd. It's the end of sleeping late and spending all our money on ourselves. It's the end of afternoons full of quiet solitude and good music. It's the end of romantic weekends. I have an almost visceral dislike for the kids I see running in the mall. Why would any of us do this? I call the best friend to double check my sanity.

Then I'm putting away his little cups and plates in the cabinet and it's as though I really notice their size for the first time. Such tiny spoons. I washed all his socks and they hardly seemed big enough for real, live feet. I look at his pictures again. This specific little face will watch Sesame Street in the mornings with me. Kids are snuggly and they do say cute things. I call the best friend back to confer. She reminds me that babies smell good too. Anyway, Button is our kid and that makes it different. I don't know why but it does. Plus, I'm not going to let him run in the mall.

As long as Brian and I are together we can do anything and as long as we are going to meet Button everything is perfect. Outside of that does anything really matter? No. Not at all.

--Rosemary

We Got Our T.A.!!!

2010-01-22T08:00:00.000-05:00

It finally happened!! Thank God, we finally got our T.A.! For those of you not in the adoption world, that stands for Travel Approval and it is the paperwork we have been missing. Marissa, our adoption advocate at Holt International, emailed me saying she received word that we were invited to appear before the DSDW board on March 10th and petition to adopt our son. HALLELUJAH!

We are so excited and grateful to finally be given this chance to meet Button and his foster family, for whom we have such appreciation. Even though we knew that every day was bringing us closer and closer to getting this phone call - I am still in a state of shock. I can't believe we have actually been approved for travel and we know when we will get to meet our son. What kind of unbelievable, miracle-magic is that?

So for those of you who are not Holt adoptive families here is a basic synopsis of how this whole thing will actually work: we will meet Button for the first time a few days before the DSDW board meeting. Our first sight of him will be in a casual setting with social workers and, possibly other adoptive families, we will play for a little while and then all go to lunch. Over the course of three days before we actually greet the DSDW, we will have other casual meetings with Button, the social workers and then his foster family. Of course, at that point in time, every second with our son is going to feel like the most important moment of our lives but the point is to try not to stress him out.

Button will be 18 months old when we finally meet him on March 7.
--Rosemary

Perfect Thai

2010-01-20T08:00:00.002-05:00

For Christmas Brian's grandmother gave me one of my favorite things in the world: A COOKBOOK! Anyone who knows me well knows that I love nothing more than to curl up with a lovely, fat, cookbook and leaf through the pages looking at all the wonderful things to cook, eat, and share. This was a very special cookbook though because it was a Thai cookbook. Over the past couple of years Brian and I have bought one or two but this is my new reigning favorite!

Perfect Thai: A Collection of Over 100 Essential Recipes by Parragon Books is a wonderful compilation. There is a full color picture on every page showing the detailed recipe. I LOVE THAT! I don't know about you, but I really don't care to guess how my food should look at the end result. Perfect Thai is also divided into convenient sections: appetizers, soups and salads, for meat lovers, seafood fans, made with vegetables, and to finish. It is a truly easy and beautiful guide to cooking those delicious Thai dishes at home as a family. Trust me, it can be done, two years ago we couldn't even make coconut rice!

Let's fire up those woks!
--Rosemary

The Diapering Debate

2010-01-19T08:00:00.001-05:00

We are considering the cloth diaper option. At first I hated the idea of it because, well, it's more work. But then I started doing research (you all know how I love my research) and cloth diapers have come so far!

My only prior experiences with cloth diapers were tipping me toward disposables but Brian was leaning in the opposite direction. About 18 years ago, I dealt with a horrid family in our church nursery who used cloth and insisted that we not only change and empty the diaper but do the whole toilet dunk and rinse for them. I was a teenage nursery volunteer and the nastiness completely traumatized me. Then about 10 year ago, I nannied for a family that used cloth when that still meant the old giant pins and pre-folds and I stuck myself (and the baby) more times than I care to admit.

However, now we have all the amazing innovations of Fuzzi Bunz, Apple Cheeks, Bumkins, bumGenius, and many more. They are super cute, ecologically conscious, fiscally sound and touted to cure diaper rash. Hmmm... it's getting harder and harder to say no.

So I'd like to hear from you guys. Have any of you mom's used cloth and loved it? Hated it? Felt neutral about the experience? What kind of cloth do you use and what tips do you have for making them last through the night? What would you do differently next time when it comes to diapering your child?

Thanks for the advice,
--Rosemary

Painting the nursery

2010-01-18T08:00:00.001-05:00

The nursery??

Oh yes, the nursery!

Well, yes, in case you were wondering, we have not forgotten, nor were we planning on putting Button to sleep in a drawer. Although there have been days when I worried that's what might happen. :-( We have been creeping along in our nursery preparations though and it seems as if it will be quite cute when all is said and done. For now, I will just share these poorly lit, badly taken, un-altered in any way, photos of us painting our son's room. It was originally a nasty pea-green color bequeathed to us by the last tenant. After two coats of heavy duty primer it is now: AQUA! More photos to follow soon.

Hurry home, Button, your room's all painted!
--Rosemary

Weekend Whimsy

2010-01-15T14:50:00.002-05:00

This was written for Button by a very dear friend of mine, and fellow adoptive mother, who touches my life in all the best ways. Thank you, Candace!

The Wish

You were once an angel
All dressed in white
You were, at least,
Until that special night
When Mommy wished on the wishing star
the one that twinkles - all alone -
way out very far
Wishes were carried on whispers of wind
and you, little angel,
You listened in
Leaving your tiny wings behind
You drifted down to humankind
Touched tiny feet upon solid ground
To find the Mommy
The Mommy who made that whispering, wishing sound
And this is how WE came to be
Wishes really do come true
For You
For ME

--Candace Turner

Nap Time

2010-01-14T08:00:00.003-05:00

So for no particular reason except that it's mid January, and everyone needs a little chuckle, here's a clip from one of our favorite new sitcoms "Modern Family".

We loved this bit because it is so reminiscent of us...well that is if Brian were a gay man and I (Rosemary) were a morbidly obese giantess but you get my drift. The personality dynamic is pretty similar though. Just in case any of you are wondering, we would never ever "Furburize" Button - but if we attempted it - this is surely how it would go! ;-)

-- Brian and Rosemary

Playing The Adoption Card

2010-01-13T11:36:00.004-05:00

So this Wednesday instead of posting a book review I am posting a blog link. I know that some of you are starting to think I have ceased to read but I promise this isn't true. In fact, I have a stack of excellent books I just need to write the reviews for but a bloggy friend of mine has written such a fantastic post that I can't help but spread a little linky-love.

Tonggu Momma over at Our Little Tongginator has written a fantastic essay about her effort to validate her young daughter's feelings about adoption and at the same time place parental limits on normal, every-kid-does-it, childhood manipulation.

I was very moved by her wisdom, parental love, confidence in facing all things adoption and clear decision making in the face of a very SMART 5 year old. I hope you guys will enjoy her wit as much as I did. You can find this particular post, "Playing the Adoption Card" at: Grown In My Heart where Tonggu Momma also occasionally blogs.

Happy Reading,
--Rosemary

The Diaper Bag

2010-01-12T08:00:00.003-05:00

As all of us expectant Mom's know THE DIAPER BAG is this looming, choice on the already littered path of choices to be made en route to mommy-dom. Along with the nursery decor, the baby furniture, crib bedding, child proofing, strollers, and a million other big and small selections I didn't mention.

Why does the diaper bag feel like such a big deal then? Short answer: I don't know; I've never had one before. Long Answer: I've asked all my mom friends and the consensus seems to be "Because we have to carry it around with us for the next 2-5 years and it has the potential, if chosen poorly, to make us feel like a pack mule."

Now I am not a fashion-diva. Blue jeans and Converse are more my natural habitat. But even I draw the line at being seen with a giant Winnie the Pooh carryall slung over my shoulder until 2013. So what's a girl to do? Call up the Duchess and beg for a fabulous, all-terrain, sophisticated diaper bag for Christmas!
Ta-da!! The MZ Wallace "Kate" bag. It's so magnificent I can hardly stand it! I love it - really truly love it - more than I can say. Plus, it has all the goo-gaws that a diaper bag should have: 2 exterior bottle pockets, diaper changing pad, attachable shoulder strap, detachable market purse, 10 interior pockets and it's water and stain resistant!

So much love to, the Duchess, the world's best mother-in-law,
-Rosemary

A blog by any other name?

2010-01-11T13:00:00.000-05:00

Recently someone asked us if we were going to rename our blog after Button came home.
We were surprised by the question because we carefully named this blog (long before we knew who Button was) so we wouldn't have to rename it once we had met our child. When we picked out the name, we were looking for something that would speak to the constant issues of family (and adoptive families) without seeming to just end at a court date that made us legal parents. So we chose "Becoming a Family".

In our minds, we are "Becoming A Family" forever. We were becoming a family in the moment of our first kiss, the second we realized we were in love, when we took marriage vows, when we decided to move to New York City and when we decided to move away, when we fight over loading the dishwasher "the wrong way", when we take turns emptying the cat box, when we make dinner for each other, when we face down pure terror over our child's health, when we celebrate Valentine's day.

We are becoming a family every moment of every day. It is a constantly evolving reality that we are thrilled to add children to. This family that we are creating together will never be finished and it will never be perfect because perfection is never the goal. Becoming a family, whatever shape that may take, is our life's work.

--Brian and Rosemary

Hello 2010!

2010-01-07T12:25:00.003-05:00

There is a very beautiful myth that Mother Nature and Father Time gather the stars together every winter solstice (Dec. 21) and create a special and unique Baby New Year. Then they protect and love that baby until it can go out on it's own and be exactly what it is supposed to be. Now obviously, the Baby New Year grows quickly, since he is capable of independence by January 1st but all the same I still love that little story.

I know that I am a bit late with the New Year tidings but we hit the ground running once we came home from our holiday. All the same, I am thrilled to be enmeshed in 2010 and I hope you are too. No matter what happens this is the year that we will bring our son home! We will meet Button in 2010. Does anything else really matter? I feel so wonderfully happy to greet this year with all the love and enthusiasm in my heart.

Welcome, Baby New Year, we know you are going to do a great job!
--Rosemary

Christmas Eve

2009-12-24T08:00:00.002-05:00

It is Christmas Eve and we are winging our way to Tuscon to see Brian's darling grandparents, extended family and, most especially, the Duchess! We are looking forward to warm weather, some nice sleepy mornings -woohoo for no work- and days and days of fantastic food! Brian's mom is an amazing cook and she keeps us all eating (and over eating) beautiful stuff every time we visit.

We wish each of you a wonderful Christmas full of all your dreams come true and love abundant!

Happy Holidays,
-Brian, Rosemary and Button

"A Christmas candle is a lovely thing. It makes no noise at all. But softly gives itself away."
~Eva Logue

Dinosaur Train

2009-12-22T11:25:00.003-05:00

We're not huge fans of the TV (we don't even own one) but the fact is that every parent (and kid) needs a break. Plus, media really does offer some fantastic opportunities for kids (and parents) to relax, and even learn something. The problem, at least for me, is choosing our media opportunities wisely. Even though we haven't brought Button home yet I am always on the look-out for DVD's and shows we can stream that I will feel comfortable letting Button watch every once in a while when I am truly in need of a few minutes to myself.

Several weeks ago, fellow adoptive mom, Bridget mentioned on her blog that her constantly adorable son Andrew loved a show called Dinosaur Train that aired on PBS. Since Bridget is a very wise woman with a constantly adorable son there was nothing I could do but check it out. This is what I found on the PBS website:

"DINOSAUR TRAIN embraces and celebrates the fascination that preschoolers have with both dinosaurs and trains. The series encourages basic scientific thinking skills as the audience learns about life science, natural history and paleontology. Each of the 40 half-hour episodes features Buddy, an adorable preschool age Tyrannosaurus Rex, and his adoptive Pteranodon family as they board the DINOSAUR TRAIN and embark on whimsical voyages through prehistoric jungles, swamps, volcanoes and oceans. The episodes include two 11-minute animated stories, along with brief live action segments hosted by renowned paleontologist Dr. Scott Sampson, that unearth basic concepts in life science, natural history and paleontology."

Um...hello? Paleontology, trains, and a positive representation of an adoptive family?
"Why yes, Button, you may watch some Dinosaur Train!"

--Rosemary

The Recap

2009-12-17T15:30:00.005-05:00

June 2007 - Two and a half years ago Brian and I started talking and praying about adoption. We started having very long discussions about domestic vs. international. We began to discover, read and cry over every type of blog we could find from members of the adoption triad. We bought books about adoption. We tried to decide if this new reality was right for us because we could see so clearly that adoption was not what we had originally thought. We gave thanks for brave people who told the truth. We prayed through to a new place of acceptance and felt that an open and honest adoptive family could be the right choice for us.

January 2008 - We officially started our adoption process twenty-three months ago. I so clearly remember mailing our application to the Thai Program at far away Holt International in Eugene, Oregon. I felt as though I were placing all my dreams into a tiny boat made of leaves and watching it sail away on the ocean. That envelope seemed so very, very rickety.

February 2008 - We started the homestudy from hell and eight months later and three social workers later we were finally in posession of a completed homestudy.

September 2008 - We FINALLY mailed our dossier. I cried myself to sleep the night Marissa called to say we were officially placed on the Thai waiting list for a child. I was just so tired.

July 2009 - We moved to Virginia and as we were driving to our new home I received a phone call from Marissa about a little boy with "special circumstances". We were not due to receive a match for another 6 months. I nearly hyperventilated. I knew that he was our son from the second I heard his story.

December 2009 - Waiting for a travel call. I still have no idea how we got here. It seems impossible that our little boat floated this far. It seems even crazier to think that it will bring Button all the way home but I know that it will. I know that it will.

Jingle Bells Meme

2009-12-16T13:40:00.003-05:00

So just for fun (and because I totally don't feel like doing a book review) this Wednesday I am doing the Jingle Bells Christmas Meme that is going around.

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? Wrapping paper. But now I am using a cute "eco-conscious" painted newspaper idea. It's very retro 40's looking when it's all done and it does a little bit to save the earth.
2. Real tree or artificial? REAL! Love that smell.
3. When do you put up the tree? The long weekend after Thanksgiving we decorate the whole house.
4. When do you take the tree down? The first full weekend after News Years Eve.
5. Egg nog, cider, or hot chocolate? Cider!
6. Favorite gift received as a child? A Cabbage Patch Doll with long, silky RED hair that could be brushed and styled. She was fabulous.
7. Hardest person to buy for? My mother-in-law. She has wonderful style in everything and I don't want to dissapoint her.
8. Easiest person to buy for? My brother.
9. Do you have a nativity scene? No, not yet, I haven't been a grown-up that long and I am still collecting decorations.
10. Mail Christmas cards? Yes, this is the first year I have missed doing them since I turned 18. I just couldn't get it together.
11. Worst Christmas gift you ever received? A doll with no head and 3 arms. She was a manufacturing mistake. My brother glued the third arm into her neck and sat her on the porch next to our pumpkin when Halloween rolled around.
12. Favorite classic Christmas movie? Christmas in Connecticut starring Barbara Stanwyck
13. Favorite new Christmas movie? Scrooged with Bill Murray.
14. When do you start shopping? Usually I am done by Thanksgiving. This year I have barely started.
15. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? I would never re-gift a present YOU gave me and that's all that matters!
16. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? Mashed potatoes.
17. White lights or colored? I like the great big, fat, classic multi-colored bulbs.
18. Favorite religious Christmas song? "Oh Holy Night"
19. Favorite holiday song? "Merry Christmas From the Family" by Robert Earle Keene (so amusing)
18. Travel at Christmas or stay home? We always go to see one of our families - we switch back and forth every year so we have to do A LOT of flying.
19. Can you name all of Santa's reindeer? Not even close. Rudolph, Blitzen, Vixen, Prancer, Jerry...
20. Angel on the tree top or a star? Neither. When we first got married we didn't have any decorations and no money to buy any. Fortunately, my amazing Aunt Eve made us a batch of handpainted star ornaments. So we went and got this Charlie Brown tree that the lot gave us for about $15 and put the little stars on it and then I bought a santa hat at the CVS and we put that on top of the tree. So now that is our family tradition. We always top our tree with a funny little Santa hat. It actually looks very whimsical and cute!
21. Open presents Christmas Eve or morning? Only 1 present on Christmas Eve after the candlelight service - we must wait to open the rest on Christmas morning.
22. Most annoying thing about this time of the year? Travel. I'm already dreading doing it next year with a toddler in tow.
24. Ham or Turkey? We experiment with all kinds of unusual and yummy stuff for our big meal. The only tradition is to spend the day in the kitchen cooking great food that we'll enjoy eating.
25. What do you want for Christmas this year? A fantastic diaper bag that looks like a sophistocated carry-all but still has all those needed pockets and goo-gaws.
26. Do you do Santa? We are planning on having Santa fun with Button.
27. Do you love or hate snow? I hate weather that is cold enough to create snow. I have no issue with snow itself though.
28. What is your favorite holiday memory? Staying up super late the night before Christmas with my kid sister. Laying in bed practically shivering with anticipation. We would tell each other stories and braid hair and sing songs: anything we could do to entertain ourselves until we finally fell asleep waiting for "Christmas Morning" to finally arrive.
29. How do you decorate your tree? We do stars of every kind all over our big living room tree. Next year I am going to start a Santa ornament tree in the dining room with Santa's of every race and cultural costume.
30. Poinsettas or holly? Holly! I heard that Poinsettas are poisonous to cats and Gilbert eats everything so that doesn't work for us.

Merry Christmas!
-Rosemary

Babies!

2009-12-15T08:00:00.000-05:00

I recently saw a preview for award winning director Thomas Balmes new documentary Babies and I absolutely could not resist sharing it with all of you! Believe me when I say that we will be the first people in line to see this film when it is released on April 16, 2010. I think it is a really amazing effort at helping people to recognize the incredible beauty of children everywhere regardless of race. I also think it speaks to an interesting concept - it is possible to lovingly parent a child without a Bugaboo stroller and an army of plastic accesories.

Babies simultaneously follows four infants in Namibia, San Francisco, Tokyo, and Mongolia from birth to their first birthday. Please enjoy the unbelievable cuteness of this trailer:

Introducing Button

2009-12-14T08:00:00.001-05:00

It has been a very busy month but we are finally back! We're happy to "see" everyone in blog-land and get all the latest news from our favorite adoptive families around the world. As far as our news goes: We were very blessed to receive Button's 12 month update from Holt. Of course, he is 15 months old now but we are thrilled to get the info even if it is 3 months outdated. Marissa, our adoption advocate, was such a doll and sent it to us the day before Thanksgiving so we were able to share new pictures of our son with our families for the holiday. That meant so much to us and we were very grateful for her thoughtfulness.

Now I know you are wondering if we are going to share those pictures with you. Well after much deliberation, we finally decided that there was just no way we would be able to keep our adorable kiddo's face off this blog for perpetuity so we decided to go for it. Here are the best of the rather grainy, completely blurry, yet totally amazing pictures of Button!

He is obviously walking like a champ at 12 months!

This is the first genuine smile we've seen in all his pictures and we notice that it looks like he has been bribed with a nice piece of candy. ;-)

Fun, Fun, Fun!

2009-11-17T16:11:00.005-05:00

Brian left today for a conference. I never fully bother to understand the ins-and-outs of his work related life but it's something... medical. Normally, I mourn his abscence like a Bronte character but this trip is different. The best friend is coming! So while Brian is lounging by the pool in San Antonio...er...um... I mean working super hard to learn stuff while trapped in the ballroom of a luxury hotel I will be taking a few days off work myself and ferrying my old college roommate around to see the beautiful Blue Ridge Mountains. In all actuality, we will probably just stay up too late talking, get lost on Skyline Drive, spend most of the weekend laughing at nonsense and eat about a hundred pounds of creamcheese while watching movies we've already seen but I can call that "seeing the sights" can't I? Can't I??

So, dear ones, I am taking some time off from the old blogosphere in order to have a little much needed FUN and celebrate Thanksgiving with my favorite man on earth once he comes back to me. I wish each of you a very blessed home and a grateful heart!

Love,
Rosemary

Mommy ponders

2009-11-11T11:22:00.005-05:00

Lately, I've been thinking about Button even more than usual. Perhaps it's because we are getting closer and closer to meeting him or maybe it's because we know he's getting older everyday and that means he is becoming more of a little person with every moment. It reminds me of the song "Maybe" from Annie where she is singing about her missing parents and she says, "Betcha he reads, betcha she sews, maybe she's made me a closet of clothes! Maybe they're strict as straight as a line... Don't really care As long as they're mine!"

Well, you know, it's kind of like that... except in reverse.

I wonder if my son is left handed or right. Does he eat carrots or spit them out? Is Button afraid of the dark? Does our son love bathtime or is he one of those kids who hates it? I wonder if he is shy or a "never-met-a-stranger" type of kid. Is our son one of those boys who can't resist throwing each and every ball he sees? I wonder if Button loves to be read to. How many words can our son say? Does he suck his thumb? I wonder which of his biological parents Button looks more like. What does his laugh sound like? Most of all, I wonder when will we get to meet our son?

I lay awake at night thinking about these things but I know that, while discovering the answers will be so very special, they won't really change anything for us. Whoever Button is - he's already ours.

--Rosemary

The Good Truck Lollypop

2009-11-05T11:49:00.007-05:00

Last night I dreamed that Button came home. It was very odd because he was being delivered to us and we were not going to Thailand. The thing that was completely right though was how excited I felt! My dear friend and, once-upon-a-time-roommate, Tiffany was there with Brian and me and the three of us walked out onto the front lawn to wait for Button. I was so nervous and overwhelmed I thought I would die. We had my parents on speaker phone because they wanted to hear the whole thing since they weren't there and my mom kept screaming into the phone, "Is he there yet? Can you see him?"

Finally this hilarious, extremely tiny, 3 wheeled truck (like the kind they use in Europe) came racing around the corner going about 90 mph. The truck was completely covered with huge blue and pink fabric ribbons that were billowing in the wind like sails. I turned to Tiff and said, "My God, the good truck lollypop is delivering our baby." My mother was screaming through the phone, "Lollypop? Lollypop? Can you see Button? What's going on?" The tiny be-ribboned truck screached to a halt right in front of us and I dropped the phone and stared through the passenger side window at a beautiful little boy looking back at me solemnly.

I woke up sitting straight up in my bed at 4:30am with my heart pounding out of my chest about to die of excitement. The good feeling has lasted all morning. I think it was an omen. A happy omen. I truly believe my son is coming home soon.

--Rosemary

My Mother Wears Combat Boots

2009-11-04T18:32:00.002-05:00

My fantastic friend Mickey, who is expecting her first child, recently sent me this book and I love it! Even though it isn't about adoption (at all) I decided to review it this Wednesday because I think it is important to occasionally take a break from all the attachment and bonding stuff and remember that we also need to learn about the regular everyday stuff required to keep a toddler alive and keep his parents sane.

My Mother Wears Combat Boots is a really fun book about a young couple's adventure through first time parenthood. Jessica Mills, author and mommy, talks about the trials of parenting isolation, heartbreak and finances with a great deal of honesty and humor.

Since this is not, in any way, designed for the adoptive family, I feel that I should warn you that there is a lot of pregnancy, breastfeeding and post-natal talk in this book. If you are sensitive to those subjects or have sustained a lot of emotional loss surrounding the idea of not sharing those moments with your child then this may not be the book for you. I just skipped portions that I didn't feel like reading. She had so many fantastic chapters on subjects I am really interested in like co-sleeping, organic nutrition, and loving discipline that I found the book well worth it!

Happy reading!
--Rosemary

The Protector

2009-11-03T13:45:00.006-05:00

Recently we watched another movie by Tony Jaa of Ong Bak fame. This one is called The Protector and it released in America in 2006 but I am only just now seeing it. The Protector cutely debuted as Tom-Yum-Goong in Thailand (named after the sweet and sour soup).

In this martial arts classic Tony is chasing an evil crime syndicate who have stolen his elephants. Yes, his elephants. Oh well, they also killed his father but that is definitely played as the lesser concern. It's a pretty classic kicking and punching movie but it does explore some interesting themes. I really enjoyed the scenes from the main character's childhood featuring a beautiful little Thai boy interacting with elephants amidst some amazing backdrops. I also thought it was very interesting to learn later that one of the main reasons Jaa made the film is because his family raised elephants when he was growing up and he wanted to do something to raise awareness for the plight of Thai elephants being abused and mistreated. He actually used to practice some of his early martial arts training with elephants just like his character in this movie. Very cool, Tony!

One thing I can promise you though: You will spend the next week tip-toeing into rooms, sneaking up on your partner and screaming "Give me back my elephants!" Extra points if you can scream it in Thai.

--Rosemary

Fantastic Folks

2009-11-02T08:00:00.001-05:00

Looking back on our adoption journey so far I would definitely say we have learned a lot, made some mistakes, and we will do some things differently next time. But the one thing I am so grateful we have done is that we made every effort to get involved in our adoption community. We have loved getting to know people (virtually and physically) in our adoption chatrooms, blogs and support groups.

Of course, it's simple human nature that we aren't going to always like everybody in the various support groups available to us (maybe even most of them) and there will be tons of opinions to disagree with and, inevitably, there will be that one woman who wants to prostelytize for adoptive breastfeeding the whole time. The important thing to remember though is that no matter how similar or dissimilar our personalities may be we have, arguably, one of life's most defining experiences in common: adoption. Thankfully though we don't have to see eye-to-eye in order to offer love.

I feel very blessed to say that while I no longer have access to a real live adoption support group I am so lucky to have the fantastic folks from our Holt Intl. chat room and all my adoption bloggy buddies. Just recently when we were so discouraged over not getting a travel date a fellow adoptive mom, who was returning to Thailand for a visit with their daughter's foster parents, emailed me to say that she would make room in her suitcase so we could send Button a care package. Can you imagine what that meant to us? She knew what that would mean because she has stood in this place.

Be gentle on yourself and make the time to meet and develop friendships with people who can relate to what you, and your children, are going through. Trying to do all this alone would be too exhausting. I'm so grateful for all my "adoptive mom friends" - we don't have to agree on religion or gender profiling - we just have to know how to be there for each other.

A great big thank you goes out to Ben, Becca and Kailani for taking our love, and a teddy bear, to Button!!

--Rosemary

Boy, Button, Mouse?

2009-10-27T14:58:00.008-04:00

We were looking at some of Button's paperwork recently and we were noting a major cultural difference between America and Thailand. On his official paperwork it carefully notes his astrological sign. On the Thai zodiac, which is very similar to the Chinese zodiac with some small differences, Button was born in the year of the mouse. This is also sometimes called the year of the rat (like the chinese zodiac) but on his paperwork it clearly says, "xxxxxxxxxxxx year of Mouse". I don't know if the two words are simply interchangeable in the translation to English from Thai or if they are actually making a differentiation between the two, but as his Mother, I prefer to think of Button as "year of Mouse".

For those of you who don't know, the legend of the zodiac is thus, On the Buddha's last day on this Earth he invited all the animals to meet with him but only 12 came. To reward them he named a year after each of the twelve. More recently in Thailand, it is believed that everyone should make a pilgrimage at least once in their lifetime to the Temple associated with their birth year. Anyway, this is what the internet tells about the Thai Zodiac predictions for the year of the mouse 2008:
"The Mouse character is industrious, disciplined, eloquent, shrewd and meticulous. There downfall can be in a selfish, obstinate, scheming and vindictive manner. The temple associated with the year of the mouse's holy pilgrimage is the Wat Phrataht Sri Jomtong, in Chiang Mai. "
Of course, all predictions aside, we are just waiting to see what kind of an individual our little (boy, button, mouse) turns out to be but we are awfully excited to get to know him!!
--Rosemary

Survival Checklist

2009-10-26T13:18:00.003-04:00

What have I personally learned about adoption so far? Almost nothing since I am not yet actively parenting a child. What have I learned about surviving the adoption process? Hmmmm... a pretty good bit. I'ld like to know what you guys have learned too! Tell us your tips for getting through. Here are some of my favorites though:

"Rosemary's In-Process Survival Checklist"

Make copies, in triplicate, of everything. Including your dog's rabies certificate.
Do not attempt to diet - it is futile. Do not hang out with people who are dieting. Do not even remain friends with people who are naturally thin.
Understand that if you hang new curtains, change your hair color or allow your nephew to camp in your backyard for the weekend your homestudy will have to be updated. At your expense.
Whatever "they" told you all this would cost - that figure is incorrect.
Only hang out with fun people, only do fun things, only see funny movies. Laugh as much as possible.
If the people in your life refuse to see how constantly difficult this process is, if they refuse to help you celebrate humor at every turn in the road, subtly let them know you'll be back in contact when all this is over.
Eat, drink, exercise, make love, laugh, travel, shop, redecorate or whatever else you need to do to affirm life. Be kind and loving to yourself.
Pray, say affirmations, meditate and journal but, no matter what, do not loose touch with that inner voice or higher power. The Whisper you hear telling you to put one foot in front of the other may be the most important part of this journey.
Be nice to other people because they are going through hard stuff too. Our adoption troubles are not the only difficult thing to ever happen to anybody during this time.
Pick up at least one new hobby, preferably two, because the last thing we need is free time. Try to make it something you absolutely won't be able to do after the baby comes home. Celebrate this time because even though we want to wish it away it will never come again.
Adore your partner! They are the only other person who knows what it really feels like to wait for "YOUR CHILD" so share the experience as fully as possible.
Do something you have always wanted to do and never made time/money/courage for. Make sure that you can look back on this season as more than just a pergatory period.
Even though the house is empty and you are desperate to give love - resist the urge to get a puppy mere months before bringing home a high impact toddler. If you do get a puppy though please call me so I can come over and play with yours. Brian says I can't have one.
Babysit for everyone you know so that in a year or so when Junior is comfortable staying with other people you can start raking in the favors.
Read, read, read. We can't ever read too many adoption books, blogs, chatrooms, and articles.

Weekend Whimsy

2009-10-23T08:00:00.002-04:00

“It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent that survives.
It is the one that is the most adaptable to change.”

- Charles Darwin

This Stinks

2009-10-22T10:30:00.001-04:00

As some of you already know, we've been having a rough time here on the homestead. I want to record this experience as clearly as possible for several reasons 1) this is Button's story and I want him to have the details. 2) For everyone who is thinking of adopting. 3) For our fellow P.A.P.'s behind us in line. Adoption is not simple and I truly feel that as a community we need to educate one another about the facts and the "felt experiences".

We spoke with our advocate at our agency and she said that all the DSDW meetings in Thailand have been booked through the end of the year and we are not scheduled to travel. So, barring a miracle, it will be 2010 before we meet our son. That was the first time I have ever been upset with our agency. I have loved working with them 100% of the time up till now, so this one little moment does not weigh very heavily into my rating of their organization. She said that Button's paperwork is complete and so is ours but we are just...waiting. And apparently, the DSDW doesn't care about the I-600 form that I was so worried about last time I posted. Just goes to show there's no sense worrying. Ironic, isn't it? Until now we have been led to believe that there was a numbered list that we were all moving up in order. Suddenly though the answer is simply, "They are very busy... Backlogged... They won't review your son's case until they decide to." It was sort of like a Bugs Bunny-explains-himself-to-the-sheriff-routine. "Yeah, backlogged, that's the ticket - backlogged!"

I'm feeling pretty angry. That tends to be how my personality processes this kind of thing. It's just too horrible to face head on without fighting back so I get angry. Brian feels a lot of depression and worry. He always tries to fix everything so he feels overwhelmed by things like this because they are unfixable. We would give anything to change the situation because every day is a day of Button's life we can't recover no matter what we do or what we pay. None of that changes how we feel about Button though. Our love for him continues to grow CONSTANTLY.

Pray for a miracle. Pray for the "backlog" to unjam itself. Pray for my insane rage level to abate before I go postal and climb to the top of a bell tower. Pray for our son to be happy and healthy everyday. Pray for the DSDW to decide to review our case. Even if you don't pray just light a candle for the kiddo, ok?

--Rosemary

Worry-ville

2009-10-12T12:48:00.007-04:00

I am feeling sooooooo down today. The paperwork has got my nerves completely frazzled. We had to redo our homestudy in July when we moved from NYC to Virginia. Because of the new homestudy we had to file an I-171H form. First we sent the form to the NY state office because that is where we filed and all the forms said to do it that way. Then New york told us they had received the form but we needed to re-file with Washington D.C. So we did that. They told us it would just take a couple of weeks. After a couple of weeks we contacted them via email pleasantly asking where the heck our I-171H form was. They said we would have it in the mail in 1-2 weeks. That was 17 days ago. We emailed them again last night in hopes that they will respond today.

The worst part about all of this though is that we can't file the I-600 petition for Button until we get this @#&*!* form back and I am loosing my mind. For all of you who are not waiting parents also going through this crazy process, we CANNOT travel to pick our son up until our I-600 form has been processed by the U.S. government so we needed to start it yesterday already and it is horribly frustrating that we are unable to do so.

Yea, I am really worried right now and I feel angry too. I don't know who I am angry at because it's obviously not anyone in particular's fault. It's just a sad sort of nebulous anger that comes and goes like Eeyore's little black rain cloud. I am trying to be calm, say my affirmations, pray and stay positive but I want my son to come home.

Would you mind taking a second to send up a prayer or a happy thought for Button's homecoming? His Mommy would appreciate it more than you can know.

--Rosemary

Weekend Whimsy

2009-10-09T15:11:00.003-04:00

"Remember no one's more important than people!" -Julia Child

The Best First Book Ever

2009-10-07T21:34:00.005-04:00

Well, it is book review Wednesday but I have been very busy with work and out-of-town company so I have to admit that I haven't found much time to read this week. But we do have a fantastic book review for this week! All of us prospective adoptive parents need to read a million books and it can be rather exhausting so it's fun to remember that we also need to start collecting books for the little people we are expecting. This week we got a wonderful reminder of that when a fantastic package arrived from Button's Grandmother a.k.a. Duchess.

We were delighted to discover that she had shopped around for a collection of Brian's favorite childhood books (big hits in my family too): Richard Scarry! We especially love The Best First Book Ever, which is just such a perfect classic and everyone should have it. I can't wait to spend an afternoon with my son searching these perfectly illustrated pages for Lowley Worm. Do you remember?

--Rosemary

The Lifebook

2009-10-06T15:53:00.005-04:00

So I've finally come to the place in time where I can no longer put it off. I really need to get started on Button's lifebook. Of course, I love celebrating all things Button, but not even that can help me shake my loathing of crafty projects. Bless his sweet heart this kid is definitely not going to have one of those super-special-fancy lifebooks made by the sort of mom who has a "project and giftwrapping room". I want to be that kind of mom, really I do, but I'm just not and that's all there is to it. I forget to photograph everything important, I get glue stuck in my eyebrows, I can't cut a straight line and I hate stickers. In short - I'm a very bad scrapbooker. Thank God for grandmothers or else our kids probably won't have a single surviving picture of their childhood.

So who has suggestions for EASY, no-fail scrapbooking? Ideally I would most like a website where I could drop all the pictures and text in digitally and not have to deal with all that cutting and pasting. You think I'm joking but Brian makes me use the child safety scissors. I know some of you out there are serious scrapbookers so hit me up with all your best tips and shortcuts! Or you could just volunteer to drive right over and work on it for me while I whip up something delicious for us to snack on. Now doesn't that sound lovely?

--Rosemary

Weekend Whimsy

2009-10-02T15:37:00.003-04:00

image courtesy of flickr

"No matter how you feel - get up, dress up and show up. Life is waiting!" - Dixie Carter

Love In The Time of Color

2009-10-01T00:54:00.000-04:00

I think one of my favorite social dynamics to observe are interracial couples. Here in our sweet little college town I see them all the time. I'm so happy to know that this generation coming up right behind me seems even more eager to forget race barriers. For me there is just something very full of hope and bravery about it. Perhaps it's because I grew up in a small town in the deep south where that was very much a "taboo". It was certainly something I never saw as a young child. I still remember the first interracial couple I ever met. One of my father's dear friends, a fellow minister, was a black man who married a white woman and in the social aftermath following it my parents had them over to dinner. My Dad sat us kids down before they arrived and said, "Remember not to act shocked when you meet his wife. She isn't the same color as him and that's ok. Jesus loves everybody and he wants us all to love each other."

The other day, I witnessed the sweetest, gentlest moment between a young Asian man and a beautiful black girl. They were walking through our pedestrian shopping center holding hands. He said something that made her tilt her head back and laugh. He stopped and touched her cheek in the most tender fashion and then he kissed her so sweetly that it made me want to cheer for him and good men everywhere. I wondered then what sort of lovely girl my son will bring home to us some day. I made a mental note to live my life in such a way that all my children know that no matter who they love their parents will welcome them. I don't want Button to ever feel he has to call home and say, "Mom, I met the most amazing girl but I just want you to know she's (insert race)." That sentence should never have to be uttered because Button should know that his parents don't care what color love is.

--Rosemary

"Telling the Truth to Your Adopted or Foster Child"

2009-09-30T03:48:00.000-04:00

Today's book review is a little different. I am recommending Betsy Keefer's book, Telling The Truth to Your Adopted or Foster Child: Making Sense of The Past but instead of reviewing it I am going to feature her list "The Ten Commandments of Telling", which has been floating around adoption-bloggy land for some time now but bears repeating in every venue. I think it will help everyone to see what a blessing her book can be to the adoptive family no matter the age of our children. Even if you have no intention of buying this book and have never read an adoption book in your life - please read this list!!

I. Do not lie.

This is a no-brainer, right? It's your child's story, and they are entitled to have it told straight. Omissions are OK if developmentally necessary (but see IV), but no lies. Kids have a way of finding out the truth, and then we've broken trust. Adopted kids tend to snoop more than non-adopted kids (curiosity about their background), so it's not at all unusual for them to ferret out the truth before they are told.

II. Tell information in an age-appropriate way.

Of course, but how exactly? Betsy gives the example of telling a child the very hard truth that their original mother was a drug-addicted prostitute, and the child was removed from her care because she left her alone and neglected her. This needs to be done at different ages, building to the whole truth. For instance:

Age 3: Your first mommy couldn't take care of any baby. She wasn't ready to be a mommy.

Age 7: Your first mommy had trouble taking care of herself. She wasn't able to take care of any baby. Neighbors were worried about you and called the social worker.

Age10: Your first mom made a bad decision and started using drugs. She couldn't think well when she was using drugs and made even more bad decisions. Sometimes she left you alone. That wasn't safe for you.

Age 12: Your first mom felt sick when she couldn't get drugs. She could not hold a job. She needed money, so she sold herself through prostitution. She left you alone when she met customers or bought drugs. Neighbors called the social worker, and a judge agreed you needed a safe home to grow up in.

III. Allow the child to be angry without joining in.

You know how you can say mean things about your brother, but no one else can? Same goes when your child is angry with their first parents. Acknowledge the hurt and anger without bad-mouthing the first parents.

IV. Share all information by the time the child is 12.

It's important to give the child all the information before the teenage years. That's the key period for identity formation, and they need all available information before that point. And, by the teenage years, kids don't believe a word their parents say! So you better get the information out while they are still listening.

V. Remember the child knows more than you think.

See snooping, above! Not to mention, if anyone in the family knows it, chances are your child has overheard parts of the story and are filling in the blanks on her own. Or someone else -- older siblings, school friends who heard something from their parents -- is telling your child. And they are likely not doing it in a kind and understanding way. Even if they are, the game of "rumour" should remind you how skewed the story will be by the time your child hears it.

Also, your child is probably developmentally ready to hear parts of the story before you think they are. Although parents are experts in their child, their reluctance to share hard truths and desire to protect the child might lead to underestimating their ability to understand.

VI. If information is negative, use a third party professional.

Choose wisely, interview beforehand, and discuss parameters of telling. You MUST STAY when the therapist tells, so that you can offer your child emotional support, so you know the details shared to clarify later anything your child missed or misunderstood, so you can demonstrate to your child than even though you know "the worst" about them, you still love them and are there for them.

VII. Use positive adoption language.

It's important to model positive attitudes about adoption, and that starts with language. Your child relies on you to teach them that language, too.

VIII. Don't impose value judgments.

Even horrific information needs to be conveyed in a neutral manner. Conveying negative judgments of original family or their actions will be seen as a rejection by adopted children. "If you don't like my biological parents, you don't like me."

And what we see as terribly negative information may not be that for the child. Betsy was called in by a family to share the fact that their son was conceived as a result of rape. Everyone was surprised that the boy was actually happy to hear it -- he had internalized ideas of his first mother as promiscuous, and was glad to know it wasn't so.

IX. Initiate conversation about adoption.

Waiting until kids ask questions isn't adequate. Look for opportunities to raise the issue of adoption:

1. Watch movies/programs with adoption themes with your child and draw parallels and contrasts to your child's story; use as a springboard to further discussion;

2. Use key times of the year (birthday, Mother's Day, adoption day) to let your child know that you are thinking about their original family;

3. Comment on your child's positive characteristics and wonder aloud whether they got that characteristic from biological family members;

4. Include the biological family when congratulating your child for accomplishments -- "I'm sure they would be as proud as we are."

X. The child should be in control of his story outside the family.

Intimate details should only be shared at your child's discretion. Make sure, though, that your child realizes the difference between "private" and "secret." Secrets connote shame, and you don't want your child to think negative facts are shameful.

Race Watching

2009-09-29T12:08:00.006-04:00

We recently moved to an adorable little college town. One of my favorite things about life here is getting to see all the university students at various venues around town. They basically run this place with their commerce, their vitality, their ideology and I LOVE IT! Another thing I really love about life in a college town is that it always brings in a higher level of diversity and we are very blessed to have many minorities here even though this is a very small town. We have a 3% Asian population, which is extremely important to Brian and me. That may not sound like a high percentage but it is actually pretty good for any town not on the west coast and it's very good for a small town. We want Button to grow up seeing faces like his on a daily basis. We hope to find same-race role models like a pediatrician and a pastor for our children.

I have noticed a new phenomenon in my lifelong "people watching"obsession though - race watching. I have developed an avid interest in observing race as it occurs in group dynamics. It's fascinating and college towns are such a great place to see so many different hybrids of the basic variations on old themes. I am always extremely interested when I see Asian students come into the restaurants or stores where I am. I love to notice what they wearing, who they are with, and the kind of things they are saying. I am just a silly woman wondering what my son will look and talk like when he's all grown up. I know there is no particular reason why an Asian teenager would be more reflective of Button's future than any other race but still I eavesdrop on their conversations wondering if Button will share their feelings about parents, politics, race relations, girls.

It's interesting to me to observe how many times I see large groups of Asian kids with no other race represented. I think that's great! They are identifying with their own culture and race and enjoying that inimitable bond of similar experience. I hope that Button will be able to share in that many times throughout his life. I also find it very interesting to watch how often I see a solitary Asian kid in a large group of white students. I ask myself: What is their social experience in that moment? What is their cultural background? Are they lonely?

--Rosemary

The feedback

2009-09-28T05:49:00.000-04:00

When I wrote my blog last week about Adoption Dissolution I was certain it would receive some negative feedback. And it did. Oddly enough though the people who supported Ms. Tedaldi's decision to place her son for adoption a second time didn't leave comments on my post they sent me emails instead. Some of them were interesting to read and some of them were just plain ugly.

One woman said that in the years since their adoption took place they have had a lot of difficulties and she could really relate to Ms. Tedaldi's story and she felt grateful that someone was talking about it so honestly. She said that post adoption depression is very real. It was interesting to read that email because I agree with that sentiment completely!! I totally believe that post-partum and post adoptive depression is a natural and obvious condition that afflicts many families. I am reading a book now about post adoption depression so that in case it is something Brian and I face later we can know where to start dealing with it. I also wish more people would talk about their experiences honestly - I guess everyone is afraid of being called a "bad mom". However, all that being said, I don't think that has anything to do with adoption dissolution. Lots of great, fully committed families face post-adoption depression, special needs children and many other stressors (like spouses on active deployment) and don't dissolve their child's place in the family. Commitment does not mean doing something as long as it is easy.

I also got several incredibly SNARKY emails from adoptive mothers which basically all said the same thing "You haven't even brought your child home yet. You don't know how hard adoption is. Maybe your kid will be perfect but maybe the whole thing will be awful. I think Ms. Tedaldi had every right to do what she did."
Hmmmm.... How to respond to that?
It's true our son has not joined our family geographically yet but it doesn't affect our love for him. It's also true that I don't know if he will be an easy child to raise or a difficult one but that doesn't matter either. I am his mother and I am not expecting him to be perfect (nor would I even want that) I am committed to him no matter who he is. The same idea that these women all expressed to me was "You don't know how hard adoption is." Of course, that is 100% true! However, I feel that the better reality is that I don't yet know how hard parenting is. But I am expecting it to be hard, just like marriage can be very difficult but ultimately rewarding, and full of love. I am not going to give my husband away and I am not going to give my kids away either. They are my family and they are allowed to be difficult.

--Rosemary

Columbia University Children's Medical Guide

2009-09-23T21:53:00.002-04:00

Book review day! Since R is out of town, I am the designated blogger for this Wednesday. I have a great book that we picked up at B&N a few weeks ago. It's the Columbia University Children's Medical Guide from DK. As with most of their books, it's heavily illustrated and easy to flip through. It's very well organized for the non-medical person with simple non-technical vocabulary. They've got a nice little breakdown about many common childhood illnesses, from earache to hemophilia. There's also a nice couple pages on development and milestones, safety and health, and even a little section on "adolescent development" with the nice encyclopedia drawings of the maturing body.

Even for me as a doctor, knowing what to do with a sick baby is a little intimidating. That's why I love the "Symptom Charts" section of the book, with large flowcharts broken down into broad symptom categories like "fever" "diarrhea" and "painful joints". These make it easy to decide what your little one's rash looks like and whether you should insist on an immediate appointment with the pediatrician or not. This is huge, especially for the new parent.

We say in medicine all the time that the technical aspects are easy to learn, but that what we really learn in all those years of medical school and residency is judgment. I think that learning how to be a parent is the same thing - learning what's a big deal and what isn't. Hopefully a book like this will help those of us who are new to the game to freak out a little less and save a few copays along the way.

-Brian

What does this mean?

2009-09-22T10:00:00.001-04:00

What the heck does adoption dissolution mean? Well, I know what it means but I don't understand it. Technically the definition of adoption dissolution is: A reversal or voiding of an adoption after its legal finalization. This can occur for a variety of reasons, the most common of which are: 1) That there was not a good match of the needs of the child with the talents and capabilities of the adoptive family, and 2) That the circumstances of the child or the adoptive family have changed substantially since the finalization, which would make a continuation of the relationship impractical or impossible. However, my heart absolutely does not understand this. Just reading the definition is scary because it reminds me that a lot of people don't feel committed to their adopted children. I mean honestly, how many families formed through biology are in NO WAY a good match for one another or capable of meeting one another's needs? A lot. And yet they go slogging onward because they are simply committed to each other. Sometimes out of love, sometimes out of hate and sometimes out of inertia but they don't just dissolve all the bonds of family and disapear.

Some of you may be aware of this as it has made some small sensation in adoption-bloggy land but I, as always, am late to the party. Recently there was this terribly disturbing article about an adoption dissolution. A woman named Anita Tedaldi wrote an essay about why she chose to "unadopt" a toddler after keeping him for 18 months. If you haven't read the piece yet I would strongly encourage you to take the time. I found very little to agree with the author about. I thought her tone was self-indulgent and her vocabulary inappropriate.

Do I feel that the little boy this story tragically centers around is better off with his new family? I FERVENTLY HOPE SO. Do I think that the "adoption dissolution" and the time he spent with Anita Tidaldi did him irreparable harm? YES ABSOLUTELY. Do I think that Ms. Tidaldi is responsible for the additional developmental delays and emotional scarring of rejecting him and the lost years of bonding he could have had with his true adoptive family? YES ABSOLUTELY.

I think the thing that frustrates me most about this entire situation though is the very fact that we even have something called "adoption dissolution." When a biological parent places a child for adoption we call it by many names: relinquishment, abandonment, giving up for adoption, making a placement plan. All of those words and phrases though come with a harsh stigma for the original mother, including being referred to as a birth mom for the rest of her life. I really feel that in instances when adoptive parents make the choice to "dissolve" their child's place in the family, a child that has already been relinquished once before, we need not to lessen the weight of this act by giving it minimizing vocabulary. If first families have to face stark terminology then I think that adoptive families who make this choice need to as well.

Ms. Tedaldi should not be able to merely explain all this away to her social circle by saying that she is "dissolving her adoption" but rather she should have to tell everyone that she has made the choice to give her child up for adoption. After all, that's the truth.

--Rosemary

Tick-Tock

2009-09-17T14:39:00.004-04:00

This month is just crawling by. I think our scare in the early weeks of September absolutely slowed time to a death crawl for us. Thank God that is mostly over!

Now we are just anxiously waiting and waiting to find out who gets those precious referrals! I can't wait to see everyone's update pictures and all those adorable new babies who have been matched with their families! If you are a fellow adoptive, or pre-adoptive, family who reads this blog and you have one of your own then please share your link with us. I love following everyone's journey!

Happy Waiting,
--Rosemary

"Infant Massage"

2009-09-16T02:47:00.001-04:00

I've been reading "Infant Massage: A Handbook for Loving Parents" by Vimala McClure. I really enjoyed this book tremendously. I love the focus it places on respecting the power of affection and touch to show not just tell our children how much we love them. I became interested in infant massage as a way to aid bonding with Button a while back but I didn't know if it would be possible since he was a toddler. This book really encouraged me that it is never too late to begin showering our children with physical affection and having it received - eventually.

My favorite things about the book were that it has an entire section written directly to the adoptive and foster parent. I found this to be very helpful. It addressed a lot of the questions I had about our specific family needs. She also includes chapters about children with special and developmental needs and sibling bonding through massage that I think may be useful to many adoptive families. Another thing I really enjoyed about this book was that she dedicates an entire chapter to dads and how they can use massage to bond with their babies, which received the "Brian seal of approval". ;-)

Something I felt could have been done a bit better was that sometimes the author used rather over-the-top opinionated language in her supportive of massage. Even though I am also a strong proponate of the idea and intend to try it out in our family, sometimes I felt like she made too strong a case for the idea that loving touch i.e. massage was the only thing keeping children from growing up to be mass murderers. I just sort of skimmed those rather preachy paragraphs though and they were pretty rare.

All in all, I liked the book a lot and I felt like it was straight forward instruction with easy to follow pictures and sound advice. I am going to practice on a friend's baby this weekend!

--Rosemary

Shopping fun

2009-09-15T19:50:00.003-04:00

Guess what I found? Well, fine then, don't guess but at least look!

This cute little book just flew off the shelf at me and, of course, I had to have it for our Button. It's completely adorable! All the buttons are on brightly colored ribbons and toddlers can pop them in and out of the page's cute counting themed pictures. I'm thinking it will be a fun way to start learning his 1-10 in english.

--Rosemary

The Update

2009-09-14T08:32:00.000-04:00

I have struggled over whether or not to write this post but here I am. We decided to do this blog both as a record for Button and to actively join in the adoption community. In light of both of those goals we feel that this is important but I am going to work hard to maintain our son's privacy and not share too much.

You may have noticed that my regular blogging schedule has been interrupted in the past 2 weeks. That was partially due to a terrible work schedule but mostly due to a real emotional crisis that Brian and I were facing. In fact, I don't think I have ever been so frightened, so helpless, or so utterly without recourse.

Somehow we received Button's 9 month update extremely early. It came in long before expected and before most of our fellow PAP's updates arrived. At first we were thrilled to hear we had an update! We've been waiting months for new pictures of our son!! I couldn't wait to pass them around. But then several things were... of concern. Without reporting anything that could damage Button's complete privacy, we became VERY WORRIED that he was showing signs of a condition we knew he could easily have.

Everyone at Holt has really been amazing! We talked to Marissa several times and she has been nothing but kind and helpful. Working with our pediatrician, we sent a (short) list of simple, easily translatable questions to HSF to gain more information about our son's developmental status and they promptly responded with answers that have reassured us greatly. We are waiting for more info to come in soon, however, we feel much better now and we are expecting our God to continue to do great things for Button as He already has.

I want to say this though: Nothing could or would stop us from bringing our son home. Button is our child and that relationship is not contingent on his being in good health or being a genius or behaving well. It is simply a truth that cannot be erased. Button is our son whatever sort of little person he may be.

Thank you so much for your prayers, support, and all your positive thoughts. We are bringing our healthy, smart, brave little boy home by Christmas. We refuse to believe anything else.

--Rosemary

How we spent Button's Birthday

2009-09-01T19:20:00.008-04:00

So I'm sure that by now you're all sick of hearing about Button's birthday but your first child only has their first birthday once so cut us some slack! All our family is very far away and we still don't really know many people here so, unfortunately, a party wasn't really in the cards.

So how did the proudest parents in the world celebrate Button's birthday proper? Build-a-Bear, of course! We purchased a very cute stuffed owl. R was convinced that a stuffed owl was much cooler than a plain old bear, and she managed to convince me, as she usually does. R felt that the owl looked ridiculous in any of the available outfits so she just "accessorized" him for quite some time. I have to admit though, it did turn out pretty cute. We put the little voice chips in his paws (wings?) - one sings happy birthday, and the other is our recorded voices saying, "We love you, XXXXXXX". If any of you haven't been suckered into Build-A-Bear yet then allow me to explain that you create your bear (owls?) birth certificate when you are done. When we filled out the certificate for Button's owl we named him "Nok" which we believe to mean "bird" in Thai. Cute, huh? We'll save his Owl to give him after he gets home with us but we hope it will be a sweet memento of his first birthday for him to keep.

After Build-a-Bear(Owl), we tried a new Thai restaurant in town, since none of the other ones we've been to have really impressed us. In an auspicious turn this one was excellent! Great food and nice ambiance, with very friendly Thai staff (not all of the Thai restaurants in small-town Virginia have Thai waiters or even cooks) who we talked to for a long time.

All in all, it was a good day. We hope our baby boy had a good day, too. We were very grateful on that day for his foster family, who have given him a loving family home to spend so much of his first year in and to celebrate his first birthday with.

--Brian

Button's birthday package

2009-08-31T18:44:00.007-04:00

As you know from our recent posts, last week was our little boy's first birthday. While it was heartbreaking for us to be away from him on that special day, we were very excited to have sent him a birthday package, which he hopefully got sometime around his birthday. Our agency, Holt, has recently tightened their restrictions on packages that PAP's are allowed to send over to their waiting children. We're basically only allowed to send something every two months, and it must be flat, noiseless, and fit into a gallon Ziploc bag.

So, of course, my brilliant wife has found a way to stuff two gallon freezer bags in the past two months, packing them to the absolute breaking point while still leaving them relatively flat and noiseless. The birthday package we sent off about a month ago, which was less than two months after our initial package, but they were very generous to us because it was his birthday and we wanted him to have something from us. The way the mail works to Thailand, it hopefully got there around his birthday and he had some presents from Mom and Dad. We did manage to squeeze in a disposable camera, which hopefully will have some good pictures on it. Rosemary's favorite, though, were these little shoes which she said he NEEDED because he will be walking soon:

We can't wait to meet our son!

--Brian

Happy Birthday, Button!!

2009-08-27T09:01:00.004-04:00

Dear Button,

Today is your first birthday!! Congratulations on being such a big boy! We are so proud of you and we love you so much. We wish, more than anything we have ever wished for, that we had been able to be with you on this very special day but we celebrated your life and your other parent's lives and we sent all our thoughts and prayers to you. Since you can't be with us for this birthday we are glad that you are getting to spend it with your wonderful foster parents who love you so very very much. We are also happy to know that, since we are still apart, at least you were able to spend your first birthday in beautiful Thailand!

We want you to know that we think of you every day. Really every hour. But you have never been more in our thoughts and hearts than on your birthday. What a celebration!! The day that your beautiful mother brought you into the world. We are so grateful to have you as our son. Our first-born son. No parents have ever been luckier.

Happy birthday, Button!
Love,
Daddy and Mommy

"Home Game"

2009-08-26T08:00:00.001-04:00

A rare appearance from Brian, for all the husbands/dads out there:

This week's book review is of Michael Lewis's very funny book Home Game: An Accidental Guide to Fatherhood. Michael is a novelist, freelance writer, and father of three children. This book starts with his account of their move to France, when their oldest daughter was a baby, and moves through the phases of their lives with each section focusing on one of the three children. His unique voice makes each of the stories - most of which are well-worn fatherhood anecdotes - fresh and amusing. One of my favorite passages, from the France episode:
"Gymboree, I am told, is an American company. But it could not have found more fertile soil abroad in which to plant itself, importing, as it does, the love of order into a chaotic marketplace. ... it appears to be a carefully crafted, scientifically based institute for infant development. Just beneath the science, however, is an infant rendition of Lord of the Flies."

Through all of the humor, though - and this is definitely a humorous book - is evidence of his deep love for his children, and his contentment and happiness with the role of father. He describes growing into the position, learning to bond with his kids and how to do "fatherly" things. As a side note, it was nice to see someone from outside of the adoption world refer to the process of bonding and attachment. It's comforting, every once in a while, to dispel the notion that all biological families just instantly "click" while we have to work at it.

There is a section of the book where he discusses his son's being sick in the hospital as a very young infant and my wife may claim that I cried while reading this section. However, I will deny this like a Soviet press secretary. The fact remains, though, that it is a deeply affecting portrait of fatherhood. It gave me ammunition for the road ahead and lots to look forward to.

-- Brian

Always on Our Mind

2009-08-25T02:40:00.004-04:00

We spent a lovely day on Sunday with some old friends in Virginia Beach who have a gorgeous little 16-month-old daughter. Of course, we are hoping to pick Button up when he is exactly that age so we were watching her pretty closely to see what kind of stuff she was doing. Mostly she was being extremely cute and wrapping Brian around her little finger so thank goodness our first child is a son or it would just be a lost cause!

Image Courtesy of Flickr

As we drove home that night we were listening to some good music, watching the sun set and just enjoying the ride. Then Brian asked me what I was thinking about I said, "Button." Instantly Bri said, "He is waking up right now." and I knew that he had been thinking of our son too.

--Rosemary

This is going to hurt you more than it hurts me

2009-08-24T08:00:00.000-04:00

Sometimes when I think of everything a person looses and gains in adoption I am overloaded by the immensity of it all. It is such a huge amount of information to process. Any person who has to walk down the adoptive path to self is carrying a much heavier load than those of us from the typical biological family. How do they answer one question in light of the next? Because as some of us, who have tried to think our way through the tangle of broken family, know there is always a next question. Wouldn't it be great to get to the FINAL ANSWER? To find an ultimate exposition on original family dissolution and the creation of adoption!

I don't know why this has happened to Button. I don't know why some children are born with the great luck of having biological parents who are fully capable of parenting them and blessed with all the resources for the difficult journey ahead. I know that it is not because those children are more deserving or because those mothers are instinctively more maternal. I do know that my son was not able to stay with his first family and after 7 months in foster care he was assigned to our case.

I also know that at some point in his life this will cause him deep pain. It is not debatable. I refuse to even listen to the people who say things like, "Some kids aren't really bothered by the adoption thing." or "He'll know you're his REAL parents and that's all he needs to know." Hogwash! Perhaps Button will be the kind of kid who doesn't want to talk about his feelings a lot. Maybe he will even work through to a deep and abiding peace regarding his adoption at an early age but I refuse to deny the truth that I know. At some point in his life "being adopted" is going to hurt and confuse him terribly.

I wish I could save him from it but I can't. I can't even find his peace for him. He has to work through all of this on his own. But I will be there with whatever support he needs whether it's tissues, or screaming matches, or reunion research, or bail money (please God no) or engagement ring shopping. I honestly can't begin to imagine all the experiences or people that might help him as he surfs through this emotional reality that is his to own. But I'm not going to tell him that one thing or another can't be of value to him. He gets to decide what he needs in order to become whole and accept this complex legacy: two sets of parents, one genetic heritage one adoptive heritage.

--Rosemary

Weekend Whimsy

2009-08-20T17:09:00.004-04:00

Image courtesy of Flickr

"Every object, every being,
is a jar full of delight."

-- Rumi

"Your Family Health Organizer"

2009-08-20T15:48:00.003-04:00

Well, I have fallen down on the job this week with my blogging but we've been busy. Plus one of my old college roommates and her delightful husband were in town before heading out to their new post in Hawaii so we really wanted to enjoy our time with them!

That being said, I am (ever so slightly) overdue on a book review. I'm making it really easy on myself this week though. I didn't exactly have to read this one. But it is a book so it counts. Honest it does!! I bought this a couple of weeks ago and I still haven't stopped liking it. It has plenty of useful purposes for parents of every age but especially for the slightly freaked out new mom. Allow me to introduce you to Your Family Health Organizer by Jodie Pappas.

This trusty little binder is fantastic for adoptive parents since many of us are welcoming children with medical needs, or have medical needs ourselves, and cataloging all those documents can be a nightmare. The binder has different colored tabs and pocket folders for two parents and three children but you can order more sections and page refills. Each kid's section includes: medication records, medical appointment records, medication instruction forms for school/daycare/camp, growth charts, food allergy diary, and a child's identification profile for fingerprints, hair sample and photograph.

It's a great little size and will be easy to carry with us when we travel or leave on the counter for babysitters or grandma. It has a large section in each person's file for notes and it will be no problem for me to pop it in my diaper bag and take it along to all those pediatrician and early intervention visits in order to organize Button's medical files. So if you are facing a lot of health issues or are easily overwhelmed by the complicated but IMPORTANT process of organizing your family's medical paperwork please allow me to highly recommend this little book.

--Rosemary

Weekend Whimsy

2009-08-14T11:02:00.003-04:00

"Faith is a bluebird you see from afar. It's for real and as sure as the first evening star."

--Penny's feline friend Rufus
"The Rescuers"

The Connected Child

2009-08-12T11:13:00.003-04:00

I have really enjoyed reading The Connected Child by Karyn Purvis, David Cross, and Wendy Lyons Sunshine. One thing I especially liked is that this book gives actual scripts for dialogue with children of all ages. They even provide sample daily schedules for engendering "felt safety". The Connected Child has a direct conversational tone that focuses on parents developing empathy for the child so kids can develop trust. Here is an excerpt from page 5 that I found quite moving:
"We'd like you to visualize a scene: imagine you raised your healthy, biological child in a loving home until he was four. Then somebody kidnapped him and you didn't know if he was dead or alive for three long years. During those years your baby boy was starved and abused. When he is finally, mercifully, returned to you at the age of seven, he is more like a wild and frightened animal than the curious and playful little boy you knew. Grateful to have him back and sensitive to his suffering, you focus on doing whatever he needs to heal from his trauma. You don't take him to the amusement park on his first day home, or bundle him off to day care within a week. You know that he needs weeks and months of daily nurturing and retraining to comfort, guide, and heal him from the harmful experience."

Another thing that was extremely helpful to me was their section on discipline for the adopted child. This is such a complicated topic for any family but especially for the adoptive family and almost none of us AP's were raised experiencing discipline that truly works for the newly adopted child. So how are we supposed to figure it out? The Connected Child is very firm on their stance that unsafe and selfish behavior cannot be tolerated but they truly do give exact details about providing loving, empathetic discipline for the particular set of circumstances involving the adoptive family.

What I wish the book had done differently:
Like much adoption literature, it focused a lot on bringing home the older child. Of course, that info is much needed for many families but since we are adopting a toddler I wish the authors had more clearly identified what issues families were likely to face in adopting from various age groups. The book also spends a lot of time dealing with the effects of institutionalization. Again, with our specific case that is not as pertinent.

I would recommend this book to any adoptive family. The examples are clear and simple to relate to and it's a very easy and encouraging read. The most important thing I think this book has to offer though is a constant reminder to see things from your child's perspective. The book spends a lot of time outlining the emotional and mental processes adoptees go through and the fears they experience.

--Rosemary

Nervous Nelly

2009-08-11T08:00:00.001-04:00

So I am in an interesting place. It's sort of a panicky, angsty, overwrought place. Yea, I said interesting, not pleasant. We just moved to a new town where we don't know a single soul. I desperately miss our friends and families right now. I am so very much wishing I could share this time with them. And by "share" I mean send up a flare for some freakin' help!

We are hoping against hope that we will be picking Button up in 5 months so I have a ferocious need to prepare for the baby right now. I know you can all understand that what this has created is one crazy lady-friend. Brian keeps saying, in this very calm and patient voice, "But we have plenty of time to worry about baby stuff later." Total guy statement, right? I have no idea how long it takes to get a nursery ready but the room we plan on using is currently painted this hideous color of olive green, from the last tenant, and is basically acting as a storage closet. Plus, we need to toddler proof (which everyone says is much harder than baby proofing) and we can't toddler proof a house where we haven't even finished hanging pictures yet.

Then we have to get all the stuff for Button and, apparently, Button requires a huge amount of stuff. Just the amount of all new, semi-important choices we have to make is exhausting. What kind of car seat? What kind of formula? What kind of diapers? What if I buy the bad, evil, plastic bottles that leach toxins? Just walking into the Babies R' Us practically requires a graduate degree in consumer reporting!

Oh yea, I had a teeny-tiny break down at the Babies R' Us and we had to leave. Don't worry, I didn't attack any innocent employees, I just started to cry in the playpen aisle. It is my firm belief that the store is designed to overwhelm and I am sure that many dozens of women have had similar reactions. Well, that's what I'm telling myself so don't burst my bubble, ok? And all of that foolishness doesn't even begin to touch on the really important choices we need to make like finding a pediatrician and researching vaccines. How did the human race ever survive through the dark ages? Right, we almost didn't...

Aston Church Mother's Union circa 1953

I just feel like my head is about to explode with all the lists of everything that has to be done and I wish that someone would call in the cavalry. What? You mean to say that an army of 1950's housewives will not be coming to my aid? I have to do it myself! This is what parenting is all about?? Ummm yea, is there someone else I can speak to?

--Rosemary

The Compass

2009-08-10T11:23:00.008-04:00

I've been thinking about Button's other parents a lot lately. Knowing who our son is and knowing, at least a little bit, about his original family is a weighty thing. I now know the specific story of a woman and a child on the other side of the world. I know some of the details and some of them are lost to me. I roll the tale over and over again in my mind like a pebble in my mouth. A flat, smooth, truth that is completely indigestible.

Her son is also my son. She and I have more in common than any of my dearest friends. My heart keeps referring to their story like a compass. What direction is it pointing me in? How should I best serve my son to be true to the hopes his first mother had for him? I wish I could ask her. I wish I could tell her that I would honor her intentions. We have no way of knowing what she wants for Button. All I can assume is that, like any mother, she wants her son to be loved, encouraged, supported and given direction.

I can also safely assume that like any mom she wants to be recognized as his mother. Without her, humanity in general and, our family specifically would not have Button's precious face. She brought my son into this world and he is exactly who he is because of her DNA. What a blessed opportunity for me to be able to recognize her as my son's other mother!

Our hopes for an open adoption have not changed although we have been told not to expect that. However, should we be given the opportunity to have contact with her I think the most important thing I would want to say is: "You are always remembered in our home. You are honored and loved as a member of our family. Button knows he has two mothers: me and you."

--Rosemary

Weekend Whimsy

2009-08-07T08:00:00.005-04:00

"Super Cell" courtesy of the University of Missouri Storm Chasing Team

"Do you not think an angel rides in the whirlwind and directs this storm?"
-- John Page

Stage Fright

2009-08-06T08:00:00.000-04:00

I know that none of you will be surprised to learn that I did a fair amount of theater in high school and college. After all, it involved dressing up in costumes, talking and staying up late and those are three of my favorite things so I was absolutely thrilled to get involved. One problem. I get terrible stage fright. Fortunately, for my short lived acting career, it was the manageable kind of stomach-churning, palm-sweating stage fright that goes away after a few minutes. No, really, I swear, I was a pretty good little actress...

So the other day I was thinking about Button and finally getting to meet him and becoming a mom and I started to feel well--- odd. I couldn't quite put my finger on it but it wasn't exactly the most delightful feeling in the world. What could possibly be wrong with me? I am completely in love with this little boy. Nobody has ever been more excited about becoming a mother. And yet, the feeling persisted.

Then I recognized it. All the symptoms were the same. STAGE FRIGHT.

So after a week of crabby attitudes and high strung nerves, I decided I couldn't live with constant stage fright for 5 more months. I pushed all the noise out of my psychic space and focused on the problem. I finally found it and I was none too pleased with myself. "What if I'm not good at it? What if my kid always has jam stains around their mouth and mis-matched socks? What if I'm the mom who can't remember spirit day and is late for carpool?" Oh my goodness, was it possible that my parenting angst could be boiled down to high school, nerdy girl, not-good-enough issues? The horror!!

So I reminded my incredibly subdued ego that good parenting is really only contingent on loving and valuing Button for exactly who he is. Then I walked into the bathroom took a long look at myself in the mirror and said, "Grow up, Rosemary, you are about to be a mom." and I smiled because it was the best advice I'd ever given myself.

--Rosemary

Operating Instructions

2009-08-05T10:49:00.003-04:00

I've always a been a reader. When we move somewhere new I get a library card almost as quickly as I get our power turned on. When a new challenge or joy comes into our life I spend hours on the internet surfing from one article to another. I've always believed that if the problem can be researched we can find some way of making it better. Of course, this doctrine has been pretty beat up over the years, but I cling to my little hope with dogged determination.

With our simultaneous leap into both the adoption world and the parenting world it seems like there is just an overwhelming amount of material to study. We need to learn how to play attachment and bonding games and we need to learn how to mix formula and heat a bottle. Sometimes the most obvious stuff feels the most overwhelming because everyone expects you to know how to do it. The biography of the two women who wrote The Joy of Cooking is called Stand Facing The Stove, which I think is one of the greatest titles of all time. Sometimes when I think about actually being responsible for the care and feeding of a child I wish some kindly British nanny would come along and begin with instructions exactly that basic: "Rosemary, stand facing the baby."

Well, all my parenting books are in and the house is mostly unpacked so, I am doing a lot of reading these days. There are some really good books that I'm enjoying and I think I'm learning a lot. I know book reviews are considered kind of lame but I always really enjoy it when other people do them so, on Wednesdays, I'm going to start walking you guys through my giant stack of books. Maybe it will help you decide which ones you want to invest in and, hopefully, it will help keep me on my reading schedule.

I just finished reading Operating Instructions by Anne Lamott and found it to be a quirky, beautiful, little book that really inspired me. It is the record of the first year of her son's life. It's really a story of her intense love for a child she never expected to have. She is a single mother with a million struggles to face and in spite of it all her enjoyment of this little boy is really a beautiful thing to behold. Her motherhood story (and her fantastic writing) encouraged me and I hope you'll find some cheer in it too. It also provides a great parenting book break from instructional tombs like What to Expect The Toddler Years. Fair warning though: she uses rough language throughout the book and expresses political ideas that everyone may not appreciate. If you can't agree to disagree with people then this may not be the book for you.

--Rosemary

The Sleep Sheep

2009-08-04T08:00:00.002-04:00

This is my favorite thing that Button owns so far. His Gai Gai bought it for him and I think it is the most adorable (and practical) little guy ever. You can find them at Pottery Barn Kids and they're available in two sizes. Button received the travel sleep sheep, which we are hoping will help soothe him while we are in Thailand. They are suppossed to be wonder workers.

"This cuddly companion features four soothing sounds that will gently help your baby fall asleep. These include mother’s heartbeat, spring showers, ocean surf and whale songs. Comes with a removable sound box with automatic shut-off timer, plus volume and on/off controls. A hook and tab on the back let you securely attach it to the outside of your baby’s crib. 100% polyester fiberfill with plush polyester shell. Proven safe and effective, and winner of an iParenting Media Award." -PBK website

--Rosemary

The view from here

2009-08-03T08:00:00.005-04:00

From the day we started this adoption I kept telling myself we just have to get through to the referral. We just have to make it that far. I worried this was a bad strategy because I kept hearing people who had already completed their adoptions saying, "It gets so much harder once you have their picture and you know what and who you're missing." All the same though, I just tried to keep going through the seemingly endless wait for a referral by thinking once we get there it will all be so much better.

Well here we are.

It feels different than I thought it would feel. I've had a hard time blogging recently because I absolutely feel as if I've been struck dumb with the weight of emotions I've been carrying around. Like I said earlier, I didn't expect to feel like this. I knew I would love Button I just thought that this desperate, mind-sucking, all encompassing love would wait, at least, until I had met him. That only seems fair! Instead, here I am incapable of doing anything to care for him and it's pretty much all I want to do. Yes, it's fair to say I did not know the post-referral wait would feel like this.

However, for all of you who are starting to get depressed, there is good news!

Getting a referral has definitely made me feel like there is actually a light at the end of the never-ending adoption tunnel. I wake up every day and definitely experience that, "Hell yeah, we are almost out of here!" taste of victory. The referral has also given me a real sense of validation as a mother. I used to feel so awkward when people would ask us if we were starting a family. And they always ask, don't they? Because I knew that if I said, "Well, we're adopting..." then it was going to get some huge reaction, either positive or negative, and a bunch of questions that I couldn't answer. Now though when people ask if we have kids I just head it all off at the pass. "Why yes we do. We're adopting a beautiful, little 11-month-old boy from Thailand. His name is XXXXXXX. Would you like to see a picture?" I do not flounder. I am awesomely in control of the situation. I am a Mommy.

Having a referral has also brought me the ability to plan. Adoption is all about NOT being in control. Ever. Over anything. For me, it's been a very hard lesson in surrender but hopefully I'm a better person for it. However, I am so pleased to know the sex and age of my child. To have a basic idea of a "due date". To be able to think about nursery ideas and winter coats and wooden airplanes. I'm grateful to have the opportunity to finally plan for our baby and this stage of the adoption has gifted me that along with the crushing love and overwhelming worry.

If you are still waiting, then don't be afraid to count down until referral. It's a whole new world on this side. If you are on my time-line, then good Lord, call me up and tell me what you're packing because I seem to be losing my mind these days!

--Rosemary

Weekend Whimsy

2009-07-31T13:04:00.006-04:00

"Neglect Not The Gift That Is In Thee..."
1 Timothy 4:14